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anonymous
writes: I have dated my ex-b/f for 8 years. I recently broke up with him 6 months ago for maybe the 10th time. I know that this man is not right for me yet I still think of him and have a hard time letting go. He is 61 and I am 48. He is a recovered alcoholic of 24 years. He gets irritated easily, tho he is working on that issue. He is not a spontaneous person. limited to his affections, and not a healthy man. I am very easy-going, love showing affection, healthy as can be for a 48 year old. My father was a drinker and he never showed much affection, let alone how to perceive what a man is. We never knew what condition he was going to be in. So we always went off to our rooms and veged out. My father was a hollerer. This man in the past has hollered for stupid things. I don't like it. The only thing with my relationship with this man is that everytime I have broken up, he always takes me back. We generally don't date in between breakups. He thinks I'm running from my feelings from him. I just know deep down that he is not the one (he does not know that). He always keeps in touch either by phone or internet e-mails. He never lets me go either. The sad thing is that I like talking to him about everything under the sun. How do I let go?
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female
reader, rosie8483  +, writes (9 February 2011):
It's tough. I was with an alcoholic for almost a year. No where as long as you so I can't imagine how hard it is. We were good friends before, which made it worse. It's been hard to get over since I wanted nothing more than to help him, but he was so far into his addiction I had no idea what to do anymore. He also is 11 years older than me. Im 23 he's 34. He has never been married or had children and I feel bad because I don't think he ever will with this problem. It has completely consumed his life. While we were dating I lived with him for a few months, we never EVER went out anywhere because beer was a priority. He was very irritable all the time and very quiet. His best friend said he has been drinking a lot since age 15 so I know it will probably be a part him until it kills him unfortunately.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (18 January 2005):
 Hi there,To let go of this relationship, which you intuitively already know is not benefitting you, you first need to examine what it is about this man that keeps you running back to him, time and again.Time to get down to basics, then! Sit down with a pen and paper and divide the paper into two columns. (Of course, you can do this mentally, but having a physical list in front of you can help you focus.) First, ask yourself, what is it that I find attractive about this man? It may be his intellect, or his life experience. Maybe he has a sly sense of humour. Whatever it is that you miss most when you break up with him. Think hard and try to include everything. Write it all down, in the order in which it comes to you, since that's going to tend to be from the Most Important to the Least Important reason.Second, ask yourself why you keep breaking it off. Why do you instinctively feel that he's not the one? You've listed quite a few things in your letter. He has trouble expressing his emotions, he gets irritated easily, he hollers.Once you've got your lists in front of you, you'll see things a lot more clearly. By reading through what you list on the page, you'll probably see that his annoying qualities pretty heavily outweigh the attractions. You can use this list of qualities to strengthen your resolve to walk away and not go back, if that's what you decide to do. I'd like to make another observation for you to consider too, though it's up to you what "column" of your page this insight goes into. Could it be that you're attracted to this man because he has so many of the qualities that your father had, and by seeking him out, you're unconsciously trying to gain the approval your dad never gave? There are several points in common between the two men that you've listed in your letter, such as the significant age difference, the alcoholism, the lack of emotion, the "hollering". There may be others as well, and I encourage you to explore that possibility. I only suggest this hypothesis as a way for you to understand why you might be spending so much time in pursuit of a relationship that you don't appear even to want.Above all else, to rid yourself of this flawed relationship and the desire to keep going back to it, you need to focus on the qualities that you want in a future boyfriend. If those qualities include, for example, no alcoholism, then make a decision that you won't date men who drink. Don't make an exception and hope it won't matter, because it *will* matter if you've already decided that No Drinking is high on your list of good qualities. If you want men who can be affectionate, don't allow yourself to get involved with men who can't express affection. In other words, don't settle for just anyone who'll take you. You've written that you're affectionate, easygoing and reasonably healthy. From your letter, you have good insight and good intelligence. Why wouldn't you deserve someone with all the same qualities? You deserve to have someone who treats you nicely and loves you for who you are, not just someone who'll "take you back", only to settle into the same, sad, unsatisfying routine.Good luck and be strong, and you'll do great!
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