A
male
age
51-59,
*ichard123
writes:Well im 41 and i've been dating this Irish girl who is 30 for over 6 months, now she was unbelievably shy at first it took her weeks to open up to me and once she did i could see she was crazy I have a succesful business on my hands but it didnt seem to attract her to me at all when i said it. i began to fall in love with her and when i want something i will keep going till i get it so i asked her to come to a party it was nothing special but it was there i asked her how would she feel if i and her were a couple she said she likes the sound of it..My great grand father is irish and when my dad met her he was mad about her because his grandfather was irish she fitted so well into my family and life and it was the best feeling i ever got because she was so different to other women in my life . One thing i was attracted to was her accent it was like a turn on and i dont think she realised it.The first week we dated i invited her to my place , and things got so ackward after dinner because when i kissed her at the sofa i basically was going to move in for more when i began to move my hand up her leg she shoved me away and all of a sudden she had to go i felt like i dont know i felt horrible. The next day when i saw her she said she didnt want to rush into anything .We have been dating six months now and at christmas i had to beg her not to go to ireland for christmas to spend it with my family she wasnt very keen but when she did it was like YES! We had a wonderful dinner at my parents because my two brothers and my sisters family were there too it felt like a magic christmas and when we got to my place she got tipsy not drunk just tipsy and when she began to get hyper she then just sat on my lap and began to laugh just started laughing and could not stop . She then kissed me and we just had really passionate sex and she did enjoy it and she isnt a virgin either because she told me she wasnt but i am the first Amercan she dated she was just tipsy so she knew what she was doing. When i saw her yesterday the first time since st stephens day it was as if she was talking to the floor it was like she lost interest in me since we had sex i havent had sex in 6 months because i waited so long for her and now she is acting all strange since it what have i done ? I told her yesterday that we really need to talk i could'nt say much yesterday other that that as my friend was with me. She told me to call to her place but i insisted she to come to mine and she is this evening ,don't tell me to move on i'm DEEPLY in love with her and i don't think she realises i am she has been the most well mannered woman i ever met and im crazy about her and cant stop thinking about her , but it is like since we had sex she is acting weird.What do i actually say because i'm afraid if i mention christmas night she will think i want to have sex again i just want to ask her whats up with her please help and thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): I think it's too soon to be jumping to conclusions that (a) she's ignoring you , or (b) that her behavior which you classify as "ignoring" has anything to do with you.
maybe she was feeling not too good, or had other things on her mind.
My suggestion is to not freak out about this. Don't treat her any different from how you were before - meaning, don't be confrontational with her, don't be nervous or upset around her, don't be pleading with her, don't do anything that you wouldn't normally be doing. Just behave as if things were going the same way they were before xmas. And then give it some time - say a few weeks - and then re-evaluate if she really is ignoring you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2011): I'm not going to make any presumptions here. I can literally think of a million things here but the best thing you can do is to stop thinking about all the possibilities and wait and see what she says. Don't go into this conversation with any preconceived notions.
Don't take the approach of confrontation, don't approach this as a what's up with you girl? Okay? Also don't mention xmas night, just ask her if you've done something wrong. That's it, let her explain. Just tell her how much you like her and that you want to take the relationship to the next level and let her tell you what she knows you want to know from her because she does know what this is about and perhaps she's had to have this conversation with other guys too.
OP try not to be American about this. You Americans have a really weird thing with your emotions where you feel the need to verbally express every single one of them and say how you feel emotionally about every single little thing ever. It's like eating an apple has to be a profound and utterly moving experience that you just have to share with the world by saying how eating that apple made you feel. You also have this rather annoying tendency then to try and get others to be just as expressive, maybe you personally don't, but so many Americans I have met do, it's like they feel incomplete unless they have an emotional opinion on everything and just have to know every second how you feel about everything.
Now you've spent 6 months getting to know this Irish girl so you may well have picked up on the fact that we Irish feel far less of a need to express those things, to the same level of emotional detail. Eating an apple to us, is just eating an apple, it might taste good but unless it tastes like nature herself selected that exact apple to be the most divine tasting and juiciest apple she has ever created, then we're not going to comment on it.
My point is OP, she'll respond better if you don't put her on the spot, you do need to talk to her but it can't be an interrogation. You have to gently let her talk for herself and try not to probe for every single little detail.
Don't presume the worst here OP but do be prepared for it.
No one but she can tell you what she's thinking so try and be understanding and for god's sake let her speak. Don't put words in her mouth, just listen.
Now I wasn't going to say this but I will so long as you don't presume it's this and for fucks sake do not ask her this, okay? But she could very well be a victim of some kind of sexual assault or abuse in the past. It's a possibility here and as long as it's a possibility then you have to treat the subject of sex with caution and let her be the one to open up to you about whatever's bothering her. You do need to know if this is going to be an issue but you have to be calm and relaxed too.
Good luck with this. I hope it's a simple explanation and something you can both work past and have an enjoyable relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2011): 'Well im 41 and i've been dating this Irish girl who is 30 for over 6 months, now she was unbelievably shy at first it took her weeks to open up to me and once she did i could see she was crazy I have a succesful business on my hands but it didnt seem to attract her to me at all when i said it.'
The above paragraph alone is significant alone. You deemed the Woman you dated for 6 months as Crazy because she wants to date you based on your qualities and traits and NOT your MONETARY value. A genuine, loving woman that knows and is aware that a man that makes money AND can be a man of integrity and does not measure his worth by money alone- is actually a very healthy genuine man himself.
;)
Also, that above statement already may indicate mismatch as your value systems are different. One shallow and self absorbed and indicates where derive identity from as well as worth (and lets face it, you just pegged yourself not really worthy because its only the money in your mind that makes you someone- seen like that, you can be a total jerk but as long as you have money hey women should be throwing themselves at you. You don't have to really do any work or effort in a relationship and offer a woman support, friendship, validation, kindess because you can just toss your money around-yah?), one practical but also based on where one derives happiness from. True, lasting happiness comes from within and with the knowledge you have worth that the world itself is incapable of measuring by dollars.
Narcissists tend to view themselves in such a manner. But I'll continue on reading and see what is going on. Just a heads up.
Yah finished reading the rest of your post.
Are you capable of compromise? Where you and GF can have a win/win outcome?
Because you HAVE TO HAVE HER is not a loving statement. It says you see her as an object to acquire, a possession, and not a person, woman. Objectifying her is unhealthy.
You have to have her, You felt horrible when she moved your hand because of her boundaries but you don't see that is acceptable, healthy- you see it as it made YOU feel horrible, rejection because you didn't get sex? Hmm.
Begged her to stay for Christmas and not see her family. This woman seems to always have to comply to your wishes and demands- how long do you think this relationship will last if you cannot meet her needs and support her doing things she wants to do as well? Family is important at Christmas, so I hope she is seeing them for New Years.
'We have been dating six months now and at christmas i had to beg her not to go to ireland for christmas to spend it with my family she wasnt very keen but when she did it was like YES'
The above paragraph has me concerned because you see it as a victory or win, yet again you get your way, what you want and fail to see or recognize that when you WIN, she LOSES. Not fair, not healthy.
So do you think maybe these may be the reasons that she may not seem too happy at the moment?
I also dont like you go overly out of your way to create that she was tipsy and NOT drunk and you did NOT take advantage of the situation and press for sex. This in itself signals what you account is as not truthful. A half lie is still a lie and that is what I gather by it so again; what do you think is going on?
She wanted you to stop by her place and yet, you INSISTED she go to yours. Control. Emotionally abusive.
Mr Narcissist, I hope she clues in soon and sees you as I do. Because that may be the reason why she is now stand offish and catching on and becoming distant.
If you want a healthy, loving, adult relationship, recoginze you have a personality disorder and seek ongoing therapy so you can have and BE THAT For Another.
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