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female
age
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anonymous
writes:Hi, I am a 48 yr old single (married 20 yrs divorced 6.5 yrs) mother ( 3 grown kids one lives at home,disabled) and i am not sure how to do what i need to do...My bf (10yrs younger than I) and i met about 10 mos ago and it was like we were made for each other, wow. Among the things we talked about was the way he was treated by his ex's ( bad ) and i by mine (very bad) and we both spoke in terms of what we want how we want it and how scary it may be we were gonna give it a shot :-) He is a very gentle funloving Loads of friends kinda guy and yet in social situations very shy (but pour a couple drinks in him and watch him let lose FUNNY STUFF!)Me I am fairly outgoing in your face kinda gal from the start. He moved in and we were (i would say) blissfully happy! Both have a job ( i work at home) and weekends its pretty much always some iron in the fire .He was (from the start) a "I can give you emotional support and i love to talk n cuddle kinda guy. And that is what i wanted. So what went wrong???His most recent ex (they also work in the same place a few days a week) and him , they text frequently (as he also does with other friends, and we all do that here n there) and when i noticed this, (he was becoming standoffish calling me needy cuz i wanted some "extra attention" here and there, telling me things like I should have a more fullfilling life or that he wouldn't care if i was texting /going out with other people etc)I talked to him about it. All I wanted was for him to agree to either keep THAT at work or now n then, and that turned into a constant bone of contention between us. IDK what else to do other than to think he is having something else going on and doesn't wanna risk what he has with me, so he stirs everything away from it except the fact that i see, when he closes his phone when i enter the room or he holds it way below the bedframe after he turns away from me, and i have told him it hurts to hear you are my number one for the most part.And i have asked him... NOT to give up his friend but to treat her as he does his others, texting/calling etc with her/others when he is with me should have its limits and he says THAT'S not gonna happen. My last resort to confronting him about it ( and i am NOT proud of this) is to check his phone, and there it was talking like they have the hots for each other and "she will find out, whatcha gonna do then kinda stuff", heck i even texted HER and she acted all like she totally understood but didn't know what else to do to discourage him (yeah right) and then i saw she took no notice of it all cuz she continues on. I LOVE HIM with my whole being and have done nothing but good things for him ( well except the phone ) should i really just act like i am happy with the situation? I doubt it and i am pretty sure anyone else (including him if the tables were turned) would agree with me. Please help me get through this. Thx
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies and advice :-) I knew that was gonna be correct as i always say, by the time you ask a question you already know the answer and are looking for confirmation.
As for the texting thing, I am not sure if i mentioned it but technically i never had a problem with it as long as that was all it was AND i didn't have to ride in the backseat (figure of speech here ) and when i told him that is how i felt he basically said i am just being insecure and jealous...as a 48 yr old woman allow me to resort to childishness and say this... WELL,'DUH', thank you Captain Obvious.
Also as i got TURNED AWAY AGAIN last night i told him this morning he can forget about playing further games with me! And yes that does hurt but i am to the point where it does feel like he is just waiting for something and I'M NOT IT! which is really sad cuz i know he knows i know something is amiss but he hasn't got the nerv to stand up and talk to me so i guess silent death it is.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): You are too nice to him. He's taking advantage of you because he KNOWS you love him. And that's why you are writing on this page, instead of taking action.You feel vulnerable because he's everything you ever wanted, EXCEPT for this deal with his EX. If you could somehow hang in there, and convince him what he's doing is wrong. Everything would be perfect.Well, the ONLY way that is going to happen is if you stand up for yourself. Do NOT be a doormat for this guy.He's not doing it COMPLETELY on purpose but he's hurting you. And if he's REALLY all you say he is jacked up to be, wouldn't he value YOUR feelings MORE than keeping in touch his his ex?It's hard, but you gotta set what's acceptable and what's not. This clearly isn't. It will keep bugging you forever. and that's no way to live your life.Make it CLEAR you don't want him talking to his EX. Period. You respect him, and don't do it, he should have the same respect for you. It doesn't MATTER if he would be ok with it. If he asked you to stop, you would because you love him wouldn't you? Shouldn't he?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Okay, Hun. There is definitely a lot going on. First of all Sweetie, you are a grown up woman and shouldn't have to resort to checking his phone. He may feel like you're watching over him and he reacts immaturely by hiding his phone as though you're his mum when he was a teen. This is where the 10 year age gap probably doesn't help things. However, I'm not saying it can't work.
You sound like you love him dearly, but that his appreciation of you may be running out. As sad as it is, it sounds like he's losing interest in you, for an unclear reason. I think that if he is giving you a lot of attention, you shouldn't really ask for more or it can seem like nagging. Some men just aren't demonstrative. They don't show as much attention to their loved ones anymore.
All anyone can say is, take what I have said on board and listen to your heart and what it is telling you about him and if you want to live your life with him like this. It does sound fairly suspicious about the whole "she's onto us" thing:S but like I said, pay attention to this and yourself. Sit down on your own for a while and consider it all but not in depressive detail and let your feelings and emotions guide you to YOUR decision! Good Luck:)x
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reader, daydreamer247  +, writes (18 December 2010):
I feel your pain. With all the texting and calling other women you can't help but feel second best. If it were me, I would definately let him know that his constant texting and phone conversations with other women make me feel second best and that's not what I need or deserve.
You've been married before and know that if a relationship is going to succeed you need trust. His suspicious behavior is affecting that trust. I would let him know how I felt and ask him to stop or it'll be over.
Hope this helps. Best wishes.
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