A
male
age
41-50,
*ustratedinVa
writes:I am having this issues with my wife that is destroying my marriage. We have been married 17 years with 2 kids. When we first were married our sex life was fantastic. After our kids and time went on, it went to nothing. I have talked to my wife about how important the affection and sex are to me. She has promised on numerous occassions to work on things, etc. She also tells me that things have to be better outside the bedroom before things get better in the bedroom.That being said I have tried everything. Helping around the house, with the kids, little love notes, flowers, etc. All the things I have read other people trying when they are in a similar situation. She never hugs nor kisses me. She constantly worries about everything under the sun and has very low self esteem. I have told her how much I am attracted to her but she cannot accept that I am. I want to feel needed, wanted and desired as well.She use to be alot of fun sexually. Trying new things, very into it, etc. Now its nothing. When I ask her about that, she tells me she only did that for me and she has never been that into sex and to go further said if it was up to her, she would never had sex. She has gone to the doctor and her hormones were fine.We have been to marriage counseling. No dice there as well.I love this woman with all my heart and want her to love me back. She says she loves me but with no affection and no sexual relationship, how do I tell? I have faults but I am always willing to work on anything that I can to make the marriage better.I just feel, that her statement that "Things have to be better outside the bedroom, before they get better inside" is a excuse at this point. She doesnt see it as a problem and doesnt understand the hurt it causes me. I have expectations and needs in my life. Nethier I think are over the top. I want to save my marriage but I cannot keep on waiting around for things to change in a emotionless, affectionless, and sexless marriage. Please help, what do I do?
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flowers, self esteem, sex life Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009): I think what she needs to realize is that she is the only person who can make her happy. It seems like she is relying on you to make her happy. I could be in the wrong with this, but that is what it seems like. I was depressed and on antidepressants. I have been off of them for a while now. I have PTSD and sometimes it seems to my husband like I am punishing him for what other men did. Does she have a troubled past? Because there are different parts to me now. Part of me never wants to have sex again for the rest of my life, and part of me still does.
A
male
reader, FustratedinVa +, writes (8 July 2009):
FustratedinVa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSomebody touched on something I did forget to include. My wife does suffer from depression. She has been on and off meds over a great many years. She is med-phobic and hates to take anything, even if it helps. When she is on her meds she seems happier to me.
I love this woman so much. Even through all of this I dont desire anyone else. I just want the woman I married back. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her, I guess thats why I am still here. It always a constant thought process of, what is she punishing me for, what did I do wrong, is she holding something I did in the past against me now, etc. Its almost like I am the outlet for her fustration in life.
I have tried to sit her down and tell her how much all this bothers me and hurts me. But it always goes back to "If things were better outside the bedroom, things would be better inside" But what I cant get her to understand is that fustration from inside the bedroom spills outside and that has alot to do with what the environment outside the bedroom.
I just dont think she realizes what this is doing to me as a person or our marriage. Nothings hurts so bad as when your wife has turned into your roommate and acts like one. I really want to try to fix this if I can as she is the love of my life.
Thank you all so much for the responses thus far. I am glad I found this place. I look forward to your responses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): My situation isn't as bad but is similar. My partner was very into sex and being intimate to begin with and I thought we were a good match in that and other ways. Now, years down the track, it turns out the sex and intimacy was only done back then to make me happy.
For me that hurts twofold. it hurts because I feel deceived and that I received dishonestly and secondly it hurts because if my hapiness was of concern back then, then why isn't it now? I feel like now I am just expected to be okay with no longer being able to act on my love and desires.
It leaves me feeling hollow, supressed, unhappy and quite stressed. I have no idea what to do (great advice, sorry!) but maybe the only real solution for either of us is to walk away. I guess some people are wired differently. My partner like yours just doesn't seem to fully see the damage that is being done.
I am in the same bind. I love my partner with all my heart, I just need to be able to express and receive love in a more physical intimate way.
For the record it isn't just a woman thing. I am gay so my partner is a man and the situation is just the same. it is all quite heartbreaking.
There is a Mismatched Libido board on iVillage (Google it if you like) but it may not be helpful as the advice there, if I am to sum it up hugely, is A) Live with it or B) Move on. Both seem like bad choices I know, tell me about it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): I dont advocate divorce except in extreme cases however, from what I am reading here, you have tried everything including counselling and nothing has worked.
Humans are sexual beings and I dont understand women that dont feel sexual as soon as the wedding ring is on the finger.
Perhaps you need to consider a separation pending a divorce as you are clearly not happy in your marriage. Sex is a very important part of a marriage and helps to bond a couple together.
I think you need to go to counselling by yourself to come to terms with what is happening, and you need to look at the options that are available to you. In all honesty can you actually say that you want to spend the rest of your life in a sexless marriage???
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A
male
reader, FustratedinVa +, writes (8 July 2009):
FustratedinVa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis has not been something that just started happening. It has been ongoing for 6 years or more. I have done everything she has asked of me. To the extent of she telling me do this, this and this and that MAY lay the groundwork for trying to make something happen. But nothing changes.And when I said affectionless, I mean just that no hugs, kisses, etc. No "How was your day?" nothing, nothing at all. I make it a point to ask her how her day was, or whats on her mind. I find in reading here, most woman dont see sex as a need, but most men do on here. I think it is a fundamental difference between women and men.She has promised over and over again to work on this. At this point, I feel like if I was important enough after six years, at least she would try. At what point, do you say " I have done all I can do and if it was worth it she would have at least tried?" I have been patient and didn't expect expect miracles overnight, all I asked for was effort and the same effort I put into fixing all the issues I was asked to fix and did.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (8 July 2009):
 This is a weird question. It's weird, because she probably says, "Oh now he does nice things for me, because he wants something from me, not just to be nice and loving to me."
I don't really see sex as a need. But I do wonder what you mean by affectionless. Doesn't she at least hug you?
When I think of your situation, these words come to mind: Words are nothing without actions.
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