A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Jack is a guy on my course who I used to have a little crush on, basically at the start of the year we slept with each other a few times but then he stopped talking to me and left me a little upset. After this I met a guy called Tom who I really liked and he asked me out and I said yes. As soon as I start to go out with Tom, Jack is back in my life, messaging me and being quite flirty. I try to ignore him as much I can, and despite me and my friends knowing just how many girls he leads on, I just can't shake of a weird feeling, but I know I love and want to be with Tom. Anyway, at the end of the year we have a course party where Jack is (since we're on the same course) but Tom isn't (since he does a different course). Basically I get very very drunk and can't remember getting home. I wake up the next morning with Jack in my bed and I'm horrified - he leaves and I can't remember what happened at all, I'm not even sure if we did anything, and I really didn't want to! Now Jack has stopped talking to me (thank god) but I haven't told Tom about anything that's happened, since I love him and want to be with him. I don't want me and Tom to break up and I'm scared if I tell him what happened hell break up with me. I'm so scared and I don't know what to do - I don't know how Tom will react and I don't want to be a cheater - I feel so guilty. Please help me and tell me what I should do.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 June 2016):
 I agree with Eddie, you NEED to talk to Jack and figure out what happened.
Whether nothing happened or something happened, you NEED to tell your BF. And you NEED to stop drinking if you can't control yourself under the influence.
You have got to have been VERY drunk to not know that you went home with a guy and what happened. I'd say that is actually rare, unless you were drugged or had a black out. And if EITHER of those two scenarios happened, you were not able to consent. If Jack was equally drunk, neither was he.
Don't hide this from your BF. IT's shady and it will eat you up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2016): relationships are built on trust , what do you think you should do tell him the truth, or keep the truth from your boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2016): Am I the only one who lives in a country with sexually transmitted diseases?
I have this crazy idea that my partners have the right to know when I am taking risks with their health.
Maybe the rest of you all live someplace where there are no STDs. Or where condoms are reliable to stop everything. Or where everything can be tested for. Or maybe you can get reliable test results the day after you get infected (instead of needing to wait 3-6 months). It must be nice living there.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (2 June 2016):
 That's not to suggest you're a victim, because you aren't.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (2 June 2016):
Say nothing.
If Tom finds out on his own act like it's news to you, which isn't far from the truth.
I'm not overly sympathetic to problems that arise after too much drinking, it's just so low class and sloppy. However, in this case, it's possible nothing happened and if it did you were in no condition to give consent.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 June 2016):
 Sorry to hear you are going through this.
I think the first order of business is to figure out what transpired on the night you slept with Jack. Is it possible he date raped you? If you don't remember what happened you either drank WAY too much or he added something to help speed up the process. How much did Jack have to drink as well? If he was as plastered as you were, something probably didn't happen (guys have problems performing when drunk).
Secondly, do take care with your drinking. While you didn't ask this question, girls / women are particularly at risk when they drink at parties. It makes it easy for guys to swoop in and have something happen that you'll regret in the morning.
Before you tell Tom what happened, I think you need to figure out if you and Jack slept together. If you simply passed out and nothing happened (for sure), then I think you chalk this one up to bad judgement and a lesson learned (hopefully). In time, the emotional guilt will pass because nothing indeed happened.
However, if something did happen (more than kissing), then you definitely owe Tom a confession. Otherwise you'd be living a horrible lie with him, especially if you are currently dating and he thinks you are in a committed relationship. I know I'd want to know if my girl did that to me. While you do risk your relationship coming to an end with Tom, it is quite simply the "right" thing to do.
If you are unable to find out what happened, I'd still tell Tom. If I was sleeping with someone and having sex and found out that they potentially slept with someone else, I'd want to know -- and you would to. Explain to him it may or may not have happened. He can then sort out how he feels and whether he wants to pursue a relationship with you.
Your first order of business though is to start doing some detective work to find out what really happened. And secondly, it is time to take a look at your drinking habits and look at the damage it has caused you. Very rarely, does anything good come from partying -- only regret.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 June 2016):
 Firstly, severely drunk men and women can't consent - if anything happened, it was assault/negligence on his part, at best.Secondly, whilst I don't want to reprimand you or anything, getting drunk to the point of having no memory is ridiculously irresponsible and dangerous. You have *no* idea how you got home, how you ended up in bed with someone or what happened with them. If you were hearing this about a sister/cousin/friend/child, what would you say? Stay safe, when drinking - you never need to drink alcohol, let alone be drunk out of your mind, to have fun. It's important that you look after yourself because nobody else will and you'll be taken advantage of. I don't mean to sound patronising; I'm in your age bracket, but I see way too many people get hurt (sometimes traumatised) because they didn't keep their drinking under control and the consequences were damaging.Personally, I think you should have a word with Jack, ask if he remembers what happened, get STD checked (regardless of what he says happened) and don't have sexual contact with Tom until you get this mess straightened out. I think you should tell him what you know, but after you've got your STD results and tried to figure out what happened.
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