A
male
age
41-50,
*orbandallas
writes:So once again I'm in trouble with girlfriend.We made plans to go for dinner on Friday. She texted me at 545 when I wanted her to drop by. I texted 615. No response. I text her "???" At 605, still no response. Earlier I told her was hungry. So at 640 I still haven't heard from her so I leave to grab something to eat. She shows up at my apt at 650 very angry that I left.I try to convince her to stay and wait for me as I hadn't ate yet, that I was just with a friend walking around. She wouldn't have it. We got into an argument she said I should have called her, I said she never told me when she was coming. I yelled a little. She apologized for being late but refused to meet me for dinner and we say goodbye. I text her shortly after apologizing for yelling and I told her I should have called. No response.The next day I send her a few texts telling her I love her and how sorry I am, still no response. Monday comes around and I still haven't heard for her. She's korean, and korean friend of mine advised me to buy some flowers and wait her apt when she gets off work. She doesn't show so I walk by her work, a coffee shop, and she's there waiting for a friend. It's Korean thanks giving.She comes out obviously very angry, I apologize tell her I love her etc. She's still angry. I got mad at her a little over a week cause she was 2 hours late meeting me and had my keys to my apartment and wasn't answering my texts. She thinks I will just get angry again. Anyways there is quite a bit more detail but I think that should suffice. She said she would think about and call me.So I'm a jerk, but I think she's over reacting. She's really sensitive and holds a grudge for a while. Where as I like to talk things out, but she just shuts down. I'm wondering if she just wants to split.
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female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (15 September 2011):
 Good for you!
Even if you decide to forgive her and take her back, you are now aware of the patterns of abuse and will be able to nip them in the bud as they come up. Right now, you are teaching her that if she mistreats you, it is not as easy as it used to be to 'make it better'.
Good luck, whatever you decide. :-)
A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (15 September 2011):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo she texted me. She can't stop thinking about what happened it really bothers her.
I can't believe she's still whining and complaining about this shit. She's being such a child. I didn't respond, I'm sick of this. I don't even care about the money.
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (14 September 2011):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, that's good advice. Honestly, I don't think she used me for money. She has paid for her share of things. The day she was suppose to come over she picked up somethings from the grocery store for me and she has surprised me many times with new kinds of korean food.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (14 September 2011):
Don't lose face (or allow yourself to feel that you have). Walk away from it knowin gyou did all you could and the flowers were a gesture which demonstrate your honest attempts to try with this girl.
You have a backbone. You just ignored it for a while.
Don't let yourself feel badly about anything. Learn from it and be good to yourself. :-)
Don't even let yourself feel badly if you start to wonder about what she is doing. Just stop when you see you are doing it. Give yourself a break. Old habits are hard to break for everyone...
You are your own best friend. Be good and kind and FORGIVING to yourself. It's well-over due.
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (14 September 2011):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right, I have no backbone. I'm going to ignore whatever it is she is doing now. More melodramatic games obviously intended on getting my attention. I'm tired of it. I'm embarrassed for giving her the flowers. Feel like I lost face. If she wants to be with me she will have to put in the effort now. I have done all that I will do.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (14 September 2011):
Reading this is making me tired. If you could take a step back and separate yourself from your emotions, you would be tired, too.
You are over-thinking this.
You are in a relationship with someone with a temper and a habit of allowing you to take the blame for things. For example, she asked you a question and didn't bother to check her 'chat app', where she sent the question from, for your answer... she just came over and then blamed you for not being there. She then punished you by not agreeing to 'get over the misunderstanding/miscommunication' and meet you. And, as usual, you let her. You even went so far as to call yourself a jerk.
Normal people would have said, “Oh well, that’s what I get for not waiting for an answer.” She wanted you to sit there and wait and stay hungry so that you could be available whenever she wanted to be there. In her head, she shouldn’t have to give you the courtesies that people give to others, like letting you know when she is coming by. You are a sap who will wait. You’d better wait. Oh, you didn’t wait? Well, you are a jerk.
Who cares what she is trying to tell you? Stop worrying what she is telling you or what she wants. Start thinking about what you want.
You started (briefly) to have a healthy reaction to all of this. You got angry.
You spent this relationship on egg shells, constantly trying to do a dance to avoid her mood-swing-attacks. You lost self-esteem (something that we do when we allow people to dump THEIR garbage on us constantly and allowing ourselves to think it is actually OUR garbage). You have to constantly chase her, and of course she lets you. She knows she doesn't have to initiate contact after a fight, because you will trip over yourself to make things right with her.
You have a history of rewarding her temper, habit of taking you for granted, disrespect and over-all bad behaviour with gifts and sweetness and forgiveness and apologies. You let her 'whip' you into thinking YOU are the bad one in this arrangement.
You started your original post off with “So once again I'm in trouble with girlfriend.” This happens a lot, doesn’t it?
This has been going on for a while. Don’t expect it to change. You are not going to be treated the way you deserve in this relationship. You are not going to get back the money she borrowed. She doesn’t think highly of you, and you allowed this perception of you to a) be created and b) flourish, so it isn’t entirely her fault.
So be angry. Here, it is a healthy reaction. Let that anger motivate you to decide where this relationship is. If this were me, the relationship would be over. I would return her overall disrespect by not needing to tell her it’s over. Let her wonder about YOUR thoughts and motivations for a change.
This is not always going to be easy. Remember what you want from an ideal relationship and that you deserve it when next you are tempted to chase her or bring her flowers (such bad advice from your friend, by the way)… in time (less than you think) you will be fine and you will be happy you took ownership of yourself again.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (14 September 2011):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell she took a picture of the flowers I gave her and put it as her profile pic on the chat app we use. On her status she put "between". Her english sucks, I don't what she means by that. So vague, but... Is she trying to tell me she's breaking up with me?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 September 2011):
 She will not pay you back your money. I hope from this you have learnt to NEVER lend out any substantial amount of money to anyone ever again, and certainly not to a girlfriend. Money and relationships don't mix, that's for marriage only. If she can not pay her way then you do not pay for her unless you are prepared to GIVE IT AWAY and be okay with never getting it back.
Never loan out money you wouldn't be fine giving away. Not even to a girlfriend. I do not think she will pay you back, she does not sound like the type of person you can depend on.
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (14 September 2011):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I tried to hard and was too apologetic. A korean friend of mine suggested to wait for her and give her flowers. Now I feel a bit of fool for having done so. I'm not doing anymore. We just came back from a trip to Mexico together last week. I'm pretty angry and hurt that she would ignore me for 3 days when I've gone completely out of my way to apologize. I'm not doing anything more. If she doesn't call me, good riddance.
By the way she owes me money for our trip and has made no attempt at telling me when she intends to pay me since we've been back. Instead she has decided to ignore me for 3 days.
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (13 September 2011):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I texted her what time to meet, on the chat app we use, it showed she didn't read it. It only showed as being read after she showed up and we got into an argument at 650. So I I left having known she didn't read the message. BUT, she asked me at 545 when I would like her to come and she never bothered to look at her phone as far as I can tell, she just showed up.
I find the whole scenario a bit ridiculous, it's not that big of a deal to me, but she's making it a huge deal.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 September 2011):
I don't see how you are a jerk when she is the one walking all over you.Stand up for yourself. You agreed to meet a certain time, showing up hours later doesn't cut it. And then to have the nerve of blaming you. She's the one who's late. If she's late, she misses out. You need to get a backbone and stand by this. This is not meant to hurt you, but I'm giving you tough love here. By the sounds of it she's got you whipped, and doesn't respect you one bit.She isn't looking to break up with you, but you sure should be looking at breaking up with a woman who treats you this way. And, stop texting her. She doesn't respond, so obviously that way of contact doesn't work. Call. Stop texting her, and start calling (which she should have done when she was over an hour late to meet you. That was HER responsibility, not yours, maybe she needs a watch?).
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A
female
reader, princessjasmine  +, writes (13 September 2011):
Why would you wana be with a girl whose driving u crazy? but dude u needa calm down with expecting a text back every minute, girls like me take our sweet time..i dont respond to texts for like an hour or 2 maybe even the next day, we're just being coy...esp asian chicks theye're always playing coy. If you are pushy shes gona not be interested so u needa push back too! let her come to u now, u put ur work and effort in....u seem super interested and a lovely person but dont waste ur time w/someone who doesnt deserve that kind of love and attention, I for one, would LOVE thatkind of attention from a guy im interested in so good luck
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (13 September 2011):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I left without telling her, but I didn't when she was going to show up. She said that I knew she was coming over and should have waited or at least called her. She was suppose to spend the night. The fact that she didn't tell me when she was leaving or when she would be arriving is why I left. Her argument is that I knew she was coming over and that we had plans.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (13 September 2011):
Umm... In order to help, I need to know if you omitted the details that indicate where you are a jerk, or are you just so accustomed to taking the blame when she over-reacts that you think you are a jerk, when you aren't?
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