A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts and Uncles, thanks for taking time to consider my question. *Tom and I have been dating for 2.5 years. Things are going smoothly, and we love each other deeply. There is a great possibility that our relationship will turn into a long-term commitment, but we aren’t going to rush anything. I’m the younger of the half, mature, still financially dependent (but working on it), and live at home. He’s about to turn 30, mature, scraping by financially, but has a little apartment. We have a mature love for each other, although something concerns me. When I first started dating him, he was far more open about how he felt about things. He would allude to past girlfriends from time to time giving me valuable insight into his dating past. I didn’t press for details, but I made mental notes to see if he would make a good boyfriend based on his reactions to certain experiences with them. As we became more serious, all ex-girlfriend talk evaporated. That’s okay with me. But he was just more “honest” about his feelings then in every area. He had stronger opinions. He talked to me like a friend with nothing to lose. Details soon emerged regarding his last girlfriend. I assumed he loved her deeply, as they lived together for 2.5 years. She apparently fell in love with someone else and told him out of the blue that it was high time to break up. He didn’t even see it coming. He simply left their apartment without taking a single thing that day. She wouldn’t even let him take his property later when he calmed down. Tom has a deep heart, and loves with all of his being. He’s always there to help friends, loves to play with kids, and is exceedingly gentle. I’m sure he poured his whole being into that relationship, and he was devastated. If there’s any allusion to this past relationship and he bristles with anger. His body tenses up, he furrows his brow; it’s like he changes instantly. Still, he avoids saying anything out right negative about her. I feel like Tom avoids getting into “feelings” with me altogether. Tom is great, I just wish he would talk with me like he does with his friends, like when we first started dating. I want to hear his strong opinions! I want him to complain about me (he seriously have never complained about me once that I know of)! I’d love him to tell me about the people in his life that piss him off just as much as the ones he loves! I initiate conversations about things “feelings” based things often, but he gets uncomfortable and changes the topic. Do you think Tom is keeping an emotional gap in our communication to protect himself in the event that I break it off with him like his ex? How badly scarred to you think he could be from his past break-up? I’ve already talked with him about engaging in intimate talk, but he claims he wasn’t raised with it, so he doesn’t know how to. I’m feeling guilty Aunts and Uncles because I am starting to question whether or not our relationship can make it out of the “honeymoon” phase and thrive if I feel so put out about his avoidance of emotional subjects. I love him dearly, and will continue to try to pry his shell just a little more to see what’s in there. I’m just wondering if his painful breakup has anything to do with our lack of intimate communication.
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, fell in love, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): Dear Lady. It is a really depressing picture you have painted concerning your courtship because that is how I see it. Now before I respond, I want you to understand two important things. (1) The response you'll be getting from me is from a mans' point of view (2) The responses are based on what I believe makes a male truly a man.NO matter what part of the world we come from, the people who will have the final say as to how manly or unmanly we are WOMEN. Sure, we may be great hunters,mighty worriors, and supreme conquorers but if women cannot find emotional security with us, then all this is useless. Why, because insecurity breeds fear and fear destroys a womans', trust and confidence in a man.From the things you said it is clear that you already know why there is lack of emotional intimacy in your courtship. I commend you for being insightful. Now this is the part where I will have to bring the hammer down on both of you, especially your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is not treating you like his love. If I'm right, you are his girlfriend because he is special to YOU. He is not just another guy down the street but a person who you are deeply attached to with your whole heart. He is your MAN. If he's affraid to be close to you because of what his previous girlfriend did to him, that should be insulting to you because he is equating you with her. YOU ARE NOT HER. You are suppose to be special. Not another player in the field that he must try his best to defeat.I understand that you love him very much and want to think the best of him but as a guy, your boyfriend needs to grow a spine because his own insecurity will eventually fail this relationship. You are prepared to be open to him but he has failed to respond correspondingly. You have to draw the line honey. You have to TELL him that it is unfair and hurtful that he is equating you with women in his previous failed relationships.Tell him that if he doesn't REALLY BELIEVE that you can truly love him like a REAL WOMAN who will stand by him through the good times and bad times then tell him to let you go and find someone who truly believes that you are special and is willing to share his WHOLE life with you.You shouldn't be paying the price for his insecurity. If he fails to connect with you emotionally in courtship, what hope is there for marriage because in marriage we connect everything. OUR HEARTS, MINDS and BODIES. I also presume this is where you see this relationship going.The important thing to know concerning such a situation in courtship is where you STAND. You know where he stands in relation to you. You have made it clear in your post. He is special. You now know where you stand in relation to him. A potential heart breaker. If you honestly believe that he is special to you and that you want nothing more than to be the best girlfriend AND perhaps the best wife in your future, remain standing where you are by telling him how you feel.If he listens AND tries to become better, then you have hope for the relationship because he's being a MAN. By not being a man for a while he might be struggling. Be a great girlfriend by doing AND saying things to him that will boost his sense of manliness. If he still treating you as a pontential threat then might as well jump ship. IT IS SINKING.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2011): This is very likely the case. Some people put up huge walls with spikes and nails and hide inside them after they have been hurt. Sometimes they never heal, but I think the ones who never heal are the ones who do not care to work on themselves.
I think the only thing you can do is to not be forceful or nagging of the issue. If you show him you are loyal and trustworthy then it is likely over time he will start to open up. If he doesn't and withdraws further, then you know he may never come out of that shell.
...............................
|
