A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid, I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months and we were friends/talking for 2 months before we got together. When him and I first met and were in the friends/talking kind of stage, he still had feelings for his ex and they talked often. They had been broken up for about 8 months at the time (it's been a year since they broke up now).They were together for 3 years.Anyways, when my boyfriend and I got more into each other him and I had a talk about this particular ex. He has told me that she cheated on him and broke his trust and started treating him terribly and that he had no other choice but to break up with her. He said he was still hurt about their break up and still can't believe she hurt him like she did. But he did also say that he was over her and does not want her back because he can't trust her anymore, but that him and her still like to talk sometimes to catch up and stuff, and that he still thinks she's a good person, which that did kind of made me suspicious.We left it at that and haven't spoken about it since.I know he really really loved this girl. I guess what I'm trying to get at is lately I've been thinking a lot about this situation and I wonder things like does he still miss her?, how often do they talk and catch up?, was their relationship better than ours?, am I a rebound to him? is it disrespectful for him to still be friends with her since he's with me?This is something I'd like to talk about with my boyfriend but I don't really know how to bring it up without sounding pathetic or sounding like I'm some insane jealous girlfriend, anyone have advice on this?***Just to add something to this; even though I've only been with my boyfriend for a short period of time, I do really care about him and I don't want to break up with him. He's really sweet to me and does treat me nice. He doesn't seem like the cheating or dishonest type, but then again you never know. Him and I seem to be a really great match and have had a great relationship so far. It's just this ex thing kind of worries me because I don't want to get hurt.
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 Does he still miss her? There’s really no telling for sure about that. I know for me, I’ve remained friends with a lot of my exes. Many people disagree with this as they say it can cause problems in relationships. But I legitimately am only friends with these exes and in no way does it mean anything more than that. And the people I date know this and are okay with this. So it IS possible that he’s just her friend, and doesn’t miss her in that particular way. They could just be legitimate friends.
How often do they talk and catch up? Well, once again, there’s really no telling. But to be honest, it’s unfortunately not really anything you can ask. It’s really only his business how much they talk and catch up. Perhaps it’s best not to know anyway, as it will only make your worry.
Was their relationship better than yours? I don’t think you should look at it like that. Every person you develop a significant relationship with will hold a place in your heart one way or another. She was a person who was very important to him then. But she is his past. You are his future. They aren’t together anymore, are they? Clearly they were not right for each other, as she cheated and the relationship ended. They were together for a long time, yes. So that does make her someone who was significant in his life. But that doesn’t devalue what you two have. Be confident that what you have with him is special and meaningful. Don’t try to compare what you have with him to anyone else.
Are you a rebound? I don’t know. It’s possible. However, they have been broken up for a year and you say that he treats you really well. So it doesn’t sound too much like a rebound. Typically, you don’t treat a rebound like that. He sounds like he cares about you and is trying to develop a good, stable relationship with you.
Is it disrespectful for him to still be friends with her? I don’t think so. I think everyone is entitled to be friends with whoever they choose. The only exception would be if she was disrespectful of your relationship and flirted with him and tried to get him back, etc. That’s when it becomes disrespectful.
I wish you the best of luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): When you make a conscious choice to date someone within months of a breakup, you are taking a risk of being on the rebound. That isn't always the case; but it happens a good percentage of the time.Usually within six-months, they are fairly comfortable with dating other people. That does not necessarily mean they have completely detached from their ex. As SoVeryConfused pointed out, it may take some people years to complete the process of getting over an ex.There are emotional phases from the time of the breakup, to total mental-detachment. With emotional fluctuations and flareups in-between. You can sometimes relapse after thinking you're totally over someone. Sometimes there are unexpected triggers. You just don't turn your feelings off like a flashlight. Loneliness and cravings will make you miss intimacy and affection. Too often people start dating too soon. They are essentially accepting that their old relationship is over; but their residual feelings for their ex could take years to get over. That is just the chance you take; if you decide to begin a committed relationship, with the knowledge they still communicate with their ex. Being emotionally involved with another person, is risk in itself. However; there are calculated risks, and there are risks we take without reasonable consideration. That is a matter of choice; and you have to be willing and able to deal with the consequences.Your boyfriend is loving and good to you. He no longer has trust in his ex, that doesn't mean he doesn't care about her. They catch up on events, and things going on. That in itself is fairly innocent. So only time will tell.Now this is the sticky part of situations like yours. How much is too much; when he maintains contact with his ex?That all depends on your level of trust and tolerance.How much of it can you stand, before you lose it; and can't take it anymore? You made the choice to commit to a guy who broke up with his ex 8 months ago. He still contacts her regularly.You didn't see reason to wait three months ago; but you are questioning where you stand with him now. Standby your decision. You took the risk, now you must see it through.You want to ask him to stop contacting her. You feel that would be proof that he is over her. You are afraid to ask him to; because it would make you look jealous. Your greatest fear is that he won't stop contacting her. That he will not want to, and that would make you feel you are a rebound girlfriend. You are afraid that if you pressure him about it, it will force him to chose between staying in contact with her, and breaking up with you. First off, it is very early in your relationship. You committed while his recovery from his breakup is still in progress. What he isn't realizing is, he is delaying getting over her by continued contact. The problem with you telling him that, is it will become a stressful point between the two of you. Thus, the problem with being with someone so soon after they breakup with another person.At this point it is unpredictable of how long it will take for him to reach the point that he no longer needs to reach out to her "to keep up" with her life. When will he realizes that he should focus on what he has now, and let go of what he has supposedly given up? You can only wait and see.The questions you are asking are an indication that you can't handle it. You thought you could help him to forget her. The truth is, you weren't ready for this. It isn't what you expected. You ignored the risks. It was your choice to get in. Now it's your choice to stay.Have the courage to tell your boyfriend that you don't think you can stay; as long as he is regularly in contact with his ex-girlfriend. Get it off your chest. That is what this post is really about.Base your decision to remain with him, on what he is willing to do for you. Don't sit quietly accepting it; because it will turn into resentment, and you will act-out on it badly. It's killing you inside, and you aren't brave enough to admit it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2013):
 they had a three year relationship and are apart 8 months.. it's hard to let go of things.
I have found with my ex partners if we ended because it was just not a good fit we would stay in touch more at first and as time went on less and less.
If it bothers you that he's still friends with her (is he friends with her or are they just friendly there is a big difference) then you should let him know it bothers you. HIS reaction will tell you what to do. IF he blows up and says "you can't tell me who to be friends with" and insists that he's NOT giving her up... he's not done with her... if he is OK with letting her go... all is well.
sounds to me like he's done and she's the one initiating contact and he's just responding to be polite in which case I see no reason for concern on your part.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): He may still miss her sometimes, and he may still hurt over the ending of the relationship. Over time, it will pass, and eventually he will feel nothing. If he still keeps in touch, eventually that may end too. I don't think you have anything to worry about. He does not trust her, and he does not want to get back with her.Just be the wonderful gf that you are, and he will fall in love with you, and sooner or later, totally forget about her. You can not 'tell' him to stop missing her or hurting, it is just part of the process. It takes me more than two years to totally get someone out of my head and heart, but then, after some time, they are just gone - forever.
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