A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:If you are the wife...By reading so many questions /dramas caused by husbands' cheating (on wivies' side and the other women's side), it seems that most husbands cheat for 'sex'. If the sexual ife is not as good as it used to be (e.g., you both are at middle age, 50s), you are not into sex any more, will you accept your husband looking out for replace sex, as long as you are content with other things in your marriage? Does it bother you if you are aware that your husband is seeing another woman for sex, but he will stay in your marriage and take all other responsibilities? Will you still truly love your husband if you know there is or was extramarital relationship going on? We have been seeing a lot of heartbroken stories caused by extramarital relationship...just want to bring this topic and see what do you all think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo "A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011)":what do you think - " My wife, who does not like sex with me, has suggested this. She wants to be with me in all other ways." What are 'all other ways' mean to her? Children, Financial, Social Standing, and reputation of remaining 'happily married'? I would guess woman into 'sex' for sex, money, prorection/security, and love. When you developped unique 'love' between two, then you engage into a mature relationship. And marriage is the highest level of that 'love' because you both commit into each other's life and share everything together. However, 'sex' and intimate connection that sex brings into, its likely the 'foundation' of truly happy marriage. How would a wife stay in 'happy' marriage when she allows husband to share with intimate moments and connections with another woman? I mean truly 'happy marriage'. Otherwise, it must be some other reason to keep wivies in the maariage.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011):
My wife, who does not like sex with me, has suggested this. She wants to be with me in all other ways. However, I think it is still cheating. What if the other woman falls for me or I for her? After all, we'd be having lots of sex and sex creates powerful emotions in people like me. (Not in everyone, I admit.) What if she finds a guy she fancies? Will I have to allow her the luxury? (I am not okay with that.) In the end, I think it sounds good but once she knows I am screwing another women I think she will not be as okay with it as she says she is.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (6 July 2011):
 I suspect it is more than just negative feelings.
People do not generally give up more comfortable surroundings unless it comes at a high price.
I don't agree. I am the primary bread winner. My soon to be ex husband moved out even though it meant a huge downgrade in his lifestyle from living with me in our own home to living in his mommy's basement... he left because I was having a relationship with another man that he knew about.... he opted to live a downgraded style rather than feel negative feelings...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 July 2011):
 ah I see now... you think women stay because they HAVE to... that they have no choice...
that they look the other way to continue to live the life that they have become accustomed to.
I don't agree. I am the primary bread winner. My soon to be ex husband moved out even though it meant a huge downgrade in his lifestyle from living with me in our own home to living in his mommy's basement... he left because I was having a relationship with another man that he knew about.... he opted to live a downgraded style rather than feel negative feelings...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo So_Very_Confused, I am not asking the question if I should tell my friend.
But the story and many other similar stories posted on this website brought me the question, and I am just trying to understand 'cheating' and how people deal with cheating, particularly at wivies' position...The reason I didnt include husbands who were cheated on, likely most husbands would choose to end the marriage, because finacial, social standing concerns weight less to men in marriage.
Will women settle for cheating husbands if he would still fulfill other responsibilities in marriage? That's my question. Thanks.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 July 2011):
if you are asking if you should tell your friend.
my vote is NO... NOT your business.... she may know... she may not want to know... not your place to make that choice for her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, my question is actually related to a real case happened on my friend, also my own experices with ex. I chose to end the relationship with my ex, when I discovered that he was having an affair with an woman. In my case, none of sex drive, financial, nor social standing is the concern, I can not accept my partner having physical and emotional relationship with someone else. But I recently discovered a friend at church (she is at middle of 50s), her husband is seeing another woman (much younger, at his oldest child's age in fact). I was confused if I should stand out to tell my friend. But I am so hesitated that I probably would make huge mistake if I did so. What's about if the my friend always knows her husband is looking out fo replace sex, because lower/non-existent sex drive, financial, social standing and remaining the 'image' of happily married is her best interests? My husband and I know the husband too, he seems very decent person, has successful career, and kind to neighbors and friends and helps at church. Or, is it just a common story that is happening everyday in realy life, a middle age married man is hounting for sex and excitements behind his wife? If that's the case, surely it's wrong, and m friend, the wife should have been told. I am asking this question to understand something that I don't undertstand...for the wife, how would she be impacted if someone told her his husband is cheating; for that younger woman, how would she be impacted if my friend track her out, there is a chance that she may be unaware of the fact the man is still married; for the man, what's the reason to drive him risking to cheat?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 July 2011):
Every marriage will have it's own definition of open.
usually it means that each spouse can take other sexual partners without repercussions as long as the guidelines within the marriage are followed.
I have one couple I am friends with they do not require prior consent of the spouse just full disclosure after the fact, in my prior marriage we required prior approval and consent or else it was cheating.
oh and I did not "accept" open marriage I suggested it and he agreed for 7 years of him having outside relationships but not me. And our sex life was fine btw.
Then I met my current boyfriend and asked my then spouse to have him on the side for a FWB fun and games relationship he agreed until he could no longer agree and accept that I had another man in my life and he left because I could not/would not end the relationship.
it had nothing to so with social standing or finances or any of the other things you listed.
are you gathering info for a specific reason.. maybe more details could help us answer your concerns better....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 July 2011):
 It sounds like the question posed is "Would you open your marriage if you have a lower or nonexistant sex drive than your husband and it's just for sex?"
There are two things I want to address on here. One, you know the saying "Stolen apples taste sweeter"? Many people who cheat derive their payoff not only from the sexual gratification and ego boost, but also in the illicitness of the affair. It's the reason why there are serial shoplifters - it's not just the stuff, it's the thrill.
I used to say that I would never under any circumstances open my marriage, and 99% of the time, that's true. However, if I were physically incapacitated, meaning if I were in some sort of accident and became a quadriplegic or mentally incapacitated (like a vegetable), I would open it because I love my husband and don't want him to be deprived because I was unable.
However, simply having a lowered sex drive isn't a reason, not in this day and age where most physical reasons for a low sex drive can be corrected, and emotional reasons for one can be overcome together.
The simple truth is, absent a medical reason for a lowered sex drive, a relationship dies if not cultivated. Before just defaulting to looking outside a marriage (and using the third party), there would be a much greater payoff to strengthening thing things from INSIDE, and if the rift is just too great between man and wife, maybe setting each other free and finding a new relationship is the ticket.
So, my answer is no, I wouldn't open my relationship, and I would not be okay with my husband cheating behind my back, with the exception of if I were rendered physically incapable of pleasing him sexually. Then I would open it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): ''I would not be content with the man in my life living at home and meeting his other responsibilities. That is not a marriage, that is a business arrangement''I think marriage is business arrangement too, you cant deny that.There is paying bills, functions, raising children etc.extended family, mortgages same residence, medical billsI think there is a lots of finical and business like part of the marriage.That is why sometimes people feel stuck together, and that is why the ''other woman, feels so much lighter in the bed, because you dont have this wit her...But if you make a new life with this new woman of sex, she will be the old woman eventually. I guess, I couldn't let my husband go around, but if you can ,I think it is a solution. But its only works ,until he does not fall in love... I don't why man, stops having sexual desire ,right on 50, with their wife's, but they do,.. It is all too complicated, many people would put up with hell, just not change the whole picture. I dont know if there is a good solution.,. But I wouldn't say she is not right ,to think about this....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThen,how does people identify 'OPEN Marriage'? Why will a man and woman stay in marriage but do 'OPEN' marriage?
If you were the wife, what are those reasons to accept 'Open' marriage on your husband side? If no children involved, are financial, social standing, and remaining the appearence of being 'happily married' to your family main reasons?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 July 2011):
 Hell yes it would bother me. It would also bother me if he liked some other woman's meatloaf better than mine. Recipes for both need to be adjusted from time to time. Marriage is marriage whether you are 25 or 75.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (4 July 2011):
The key word is KNOWING, ie the wife gives permission for her husband to get his sexual needs met elsewhere.
I would not be content with the man in my life living at home and meeting his other responsibilities. That is not a marriage, that is a business arrangment.
Unless you are in an OPEN relationship, I believe a couple gives mutual consent to give their sexuality only to eachother.
I did have a man who was "seperated" from his wife, because there was no sexual intimacy any more. He wanted to ask ME out and if I was open to being his sexual partner.
I flatly said no, as much as I enjoyed his company and amazing chemistry, I am a RELATIONSHIP person.
Any experience with him would be one of two things.
1-I would only be a sexual vending machine to meet his desires of what was not being served at home.
2-Real feelings WOULD develop between us, but then we would have to deal with all the social and emotional consequences of an affair and shocking our families.
I know he found someone else and I stopped talking to him entirely. He became a very dark, very unhappy person.
He cut off his friends, stopped doing some things that mean the world to him, etc. I suspected he sank into a terrible depression.
The ONLY way having a sex partner outside of marriage works is if you are in an OPEN relationship with total agreement, trust and guidelines you ALL agree on.
Otherwise, you are doomed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): for me it is a non negotiable......marital infedility is a NO NO.
I will NOT tolerate cheating - be it sexual or emotioanl.
I am selfish - i want it all .
WHY? because I deserve it!!!!!!!
i want the faithful hb.
i want the good (bloody) sex with MY hb
And i will NOT settle for anything less.
I work hard in my marriage.
i refuse to share!!!!!!!
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 July 2011):
Well at 51 I take exception to the notion that sex is not important to me... It's very important to me... i have a higher drive than my partner who is only 38 and want sex more than he does..
I come from an open marriage where I did not care who my husband slept with as long as I knew in advance... and truly it did not bother me... but now... I do not wish to share my partner... and he does not wish to share me.
If in any relationship both partners are open and honest and above board FROM THE BEGINNING then I personally can see how it can work.. but it's going to be insanely different for each couple.
The problem is that folks that are truly emotionally connected to their partners will not limit the interaction to just sex IMO.
MOST people need some sort of emotional bond with a sex partner...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): Even though I'm an unmarried teenager, I would like to comment. I would definitely not be okay with my husband having sex with someone else even though he's taking care of everything else. When a guy gets married, he promises to honor his wife and not be sexual with anyone else. This would definitely be a problem. If I found out he was having sex with another woman even if its meaningless sex, I would divorce him because it would show that sex is more important to him than a woman's inner qualities, which to me is the most important. Sex is important but if you truly love each other, you could live without it and still be truly happy.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 July 2011):
 Personally I wouldn't be happy if I had a husband who was seeing other woman for sex. Yes he may still love me and I have no sex drive. But at the end of the day I don't think I would put up with this even if I had no sex drive at all. I would feel like I wasn't good enough and also there is a risk of him falling for another woman and leaving, there is also a risk of catching an STI.
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