A
female
age
36-40,
sdwwcc11
writes:My now-fiancée and I have been together for 4 1/2 years (We broke up one time for 6 months – back in 05) So actually only 4 years together. We had taken a couple small breaks in the past, but within the past year, we have stayed together and things have been great for the most part. He asked me to marry him in May, and I accepted, and I would say around July is when things started going downhill. He started working a job last year, that he really enjoys, but the shift he has recently been changed to, are terrible. 1045p-645a. He works all night long, and he comes home and usually sleeps until 3-4p which is around the time I go to class/3 days during the week. I am in class until 9p He leaves to go to work at 10p, so that leaves no “us” time during the week, besides my 2 off-days. But, we don’t always get both of those days d/t before scheduled appointments, tests, etc. So really, all that leaves us is weekends.Late July- early August, he told me he didn’t feel the same way about me, but he loves me and wants to try really hard to change back to how he used to be, and he feels it’s just a phase he’s going through, and he knows I am the one. We had a few spats over that for about a month or so, because nothing had seemed to change AT all. I didn’t expect a miracle or anything, but I expected to see a little effort put forth. By the time September came, things kind of seemed like they had calmed down, even though he was still not his old self…then about 4 weekends ago while he was at my house, he fell asleep on the couch, and I went into another room to watch tv, and for some odd reason he was pissed at me when he woke up like 20 minutes later. And he just like...angrily said he was leaving, and bye, so I followed him outside to find out what was wrong, after numerous times of asking and getting no answer, I ended up breaking down and telling him that I couldn’t take the way he was treating me anymore. It was beginning to get bad. He was constantly being rude, and disagreeing with everything I said, even if he knew it was right. It all seemed like he just wanted to start fights with me over stupid childish things, just to argue. It was to the point where he got annoyed every time we talked on the phone, just for the simple fact that he didn’t want to be on the phone, and he didn’t really seem like he wanted to see me other than on the weekends. That night, he cried and told me how much he loved me and couldn’t stand to lose me, and that he was scared about the future, and he wanted to do all he could to make things better. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, even though I’ve heard this all before. So, I comforted him and we cried together and talked about what we were going to do about this, and we decided to try and take a little bit of a “break” for a couple weeks and only see each other a couple times and limit our phone calls down to him calling me - because we have this issue of him always forgetting to turn his phone off silent when he gets out of work (lol) He said he wanted to MISS me, and that he thinks that this would definitely make it better. Well, I tried this for a couple days and it seemed to me like he was really beginning to get his feelings back, telling me he loved me more often, and just being more affectionate. He would tell me to call him, and sometimes I would just voluntarily call him. He came over like 4 times within the week. Things were going pretty good up until 3 days ago, he started seeming very irritable. There were a few times he got so angry with me, over various things that I thought weren’t that big of a deal, he would tell me he loved me, hang up and refuse to talk to me again, until he had calmed down. Which I guess would be a good technique for dealing with problems, that is, if his fiancée wasn’t on the other end absolutely clueless, and hurt. We eventually (calmly) talked about what had been bothering him, and he told me that he wished I would just hold back a little on us talking and spending time together….which, I really felt like I had been holding back, but I don’t know. He said he wishes I would quit nagging him about things, and that he would like to arrange the whole calling/visiting thing on his own for a week or so, because he doesn’t want to hurt me by me catching him in a bad mood. Okay, I understand that but he had totally been sending me mixed signals by asking me to call, inviting himself over, and allowing me to feel that he wanted all that. So we have decided again to give each other some space, except this time I am really dedicated to it, I want him to get to the point where he also feels he NEEDS me…and feels like he can’t go another minute without me. I want him to be affectionate, and do the sweet things he used to do. I feel like I can get him there, but I need to know exactly HOW?! I want to make him happy.I am constantly thinking about our situation, I am stressed to the max, and have even made myself sick quite a few times. I was 2 weeks late this month, and am constantly biting my nails (nerves) I have tried to forget about it, and just go on with my day. And, I have prayed about it more than you can imagine. I hate being the pitiful girl who desperately needs attention, and sits around and cries and begs for it. That’s just not me…I hate being that way.I guess it’s my persistency that bugs him. I understand that he has a full-time job and he is very tired, but he also needs to understand that when he asked me to marry him, he made a commitment to me. I also attend school 18 hours a week, and there are times I am tired, but never too tired to pass up time with him. He was always the one who was clingy and needy before when we had problems but now it seems that’s me now. I know he truly loves me, and I also know some of this is my fault d/the way I acted at times when this all began to get bad in the summer. I believe he is going through something that he needs to be brought out of, and I’m the only one who can do it.I want to do this for him, and I want to do it for myself as well. I want to become more independent, but it is so hard. We have had trust issues in the past, and although I’d love to: I forgive, but….I NEVER forget. So even though I try my hardest to not let it show, that feeling is always in the back of my heart and soul…what if? What if he changes his mind and just stops caring. I can’t lose him. He has been a part of my life for so long, and I would be lost. I love him more than anything. How do I cope?!
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female
reader, sdwwcc11 +, writes (24 October 2008):
sdwwcc11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the advice. I got really emotional with him the day after writing this and the next couple days were really emotional for me but yesterday when I talked to him he was a little grumpy because he had just woken up, and I flat out told him that he could leave me if he wanted because if he didn't want me, then I didn't wanna be some unwanted "item" hanging around and I was sure I could find someone who would love me and treat me with respect. But we got off the phone for awhile and he called me back like 2 hours later, and he acted better.Today we didn't talk until I got out of class until 5, and he asked me to come to his house and he hugged me and told me how much he loves me, and he really still wants to marry me. Which made me feel really good because he hasn't said anything like that in awhile. So...i'm trying not to get too confident, and I will try and follow you guys' advice if I get into anymore sticky situations. I'm going to try to not seem so needy and clingy all the time, and keep praying that we get things back to the way they used to be. It really means a lot that you guys replied...with such GREAT feedback, and opinions! Thanks!
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reader, Rima Says  +, writes (22 October 2008):
Wow. this is complicated. Love is so complicated man, that sometimes you bless God you are single. Then you want that person who you can love with all your heart. We are just social creatures I guess.
OK to your question. This man is confused. Yes, you have the sticky kind--the confused man. Most of them are like this, so you are actually sticking iwth the majority. The confused man, loves you, hates, doens' twant you, can't live without you---in short can't make up his mind, and in short--makes your life hell.
So, what do you do? Go back to what works with most men. IGNORE. Get the upper edge over this guy. Too clingy--you are devaluing yourself, this man sees you as a carpet he can tread all over. You dont' want to be that rug, you want to be his umbrella, way up and way needed on all days of his life. So, you need to stop clinging, and start cooling off a bit. Not too much, still be normal, but GET BUSY as Sean Paul would say..hehe. Hey, a little humor is important in dealing with all this.
You have to be positive. Never let a challenge get to you, have fun with it. I know sounds crazy, well get crazy. If you can't handle a tough situation, then marriage or any step further down the line will drive you crazy. Enjoy each experience for the challenge it throws at you, nad remember babe--YOU WILL SUCCEED, CUZ YOU ARE THE CHAMPION and you dont' give up. You just get smarter with your ways.
So bottom line:
1. Keep your cool
2. Don't be too cool or rude. Remember he might be wanting you to break up with him. So, sometimes guy act all rude and mean so you break up with them. So, dont' give him an excuse to say that.
3. Try to avoid fights with him. If he tries to bring up a fight, just leave. Don't even go down the road, cuz that's maybe what he wants, and then he can just terminate things and go "things aren't working" nad you are like--huh? Yep, it's typically the way things work.
4. FORGIVE and try to forget. If you love this man and WANT him, you just have to let go. He might be doing things behind your back, and what can you do, you dont' want to berak up with him--which is hte only option and you don't want to do the same to him (cuz that makes' you just like him and a cheat!)
5. If you can do this, and if you could that would be great, start liking someone else and start lessening your feelings for this guy. If you can do that (i.e. overpower your emotions) then you could move on with life and not have to deal with this mess. Sometimes a messy relationshiop gets so so complicated, that dealing with it is like entangling mixed wires thrown together.
In the meantime, be positive, hang out with friends, ignore the negativity, and be happy!
Take care,
Rima Says...smile, you have so much good stuff coming your way, believe me-:)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): I have gone through the same thing myself. I recently broke up with my bf because of some of the same things you listed. It sounds like you and your bf need some time a part from each other. I moved out myself and really appreciate him more than I did when we were together. It sounds like he still loves you since he still wants to hangout with you, but he shouldn't be taking things out on your. That's not right! If he changes his mind about you then you know that it wasn't meant for you and him to be together. Why would you want to be with someone that stopped caring about you? I suggest continuing to take time a part -- meaning no hanging out all the time. Try to hangout with your friends. Maybe he'll appreciate you more when you're not so readily available to him. I hope that things work out between you two! Good luck!
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