A
female
age
30-35,
*zu486
writes:HiI am 29 yr old female in a relationship with a guy who is actually my junior and is 3 years younger than me. (Well he told me about his age once we get into relationship) I told him then to stop as I was always having this issue of age but he still wanted to continue.Talking about relationship it was not good but not bad too. there were on and off moments and Every time a tiny little thing happened it was always him to stop the talk...I always keep aside my ego and initiate the talk and once decided to end this because of his uncaring behaviour but suddenly 1 month back he lost his mother I forgot everything and always by his side.I was really hard for me too as I went into depression by seeing him so sad.He appreciates my behaviour regarding understanding his situation and all.As many times he won't be able to answer calls and texts but I understood that he is going through hell.But 3 days back he suddenly started avoiding me as he was out of station for some work.I kept on calling him because of anxiety about his well being.And in the evening after almost 2 days of on and off talk he retaliate back in a very rude way.I was deeply hurt I didn't say him bad word and that night I couldn't sleep I don't know where I went wrong... It's been 3 days there's no text and call from his side.I know he is tense but what should I do?I am so depressed and really don't know what to do.I wanted to bw with him but seems he doesn't want me.How to move on? It’s really hard.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2017): It doesn't seem you really have that healthy of a relationship to start with.
These are the circumstances under-which the durability/stability of our relationships are tested. Together, we must go through challenges and overcome obstacles during our relationships that tests us emotionally; and how we handle a crisis or a major tragedy as a team, and individually. If the foundation of the relationship is shaky; there isn't much to hold it up when something so heavy weighs on it.
If he isn't receptive of your contact, then back-off. Now is not the time to introduce your insecurities over the relationship. You had lots of time to do that prior to his mother's death. There couldn't be a more inappropriate time!
During bereavement, we undergo shock and an extreme since of loss. Nothing can compare to the loss of a loved-one. He lost his mother; so his behavior isn't going to make sense. He will behave erratically, he'll be temperamental, and he will push you away.
This is really no time to make it about you. He's the one who lost his mother, and your depression about it hardly makes any sense. I can see your empathy; but if he is elusive; it's typical of how men face highly emotional situations. We hide or go into isolation. Like a wounded beast. You have to wait to evaluate his feelings regarding your relationship; because for now, it's not at the top of the list.
People fussing around you only adds to the frustration, confusion, and irritation. He's dealing with his own grief. He is dealing the grief of his closest of relatives. We are talking about the loss of his mother here. The woman who gave him life. I've been through that loss, and I can't put into words how that felt. It was horrendous. It tore my heart out! Nothing anyone did, or said, made me feel any better at the time.
Later in life, I lost an older-sister. I did not need or want pity and comforting words; they irritated me more than soothed me. So I understand him to some degree. I didn't want fancy-worded condolences from friends or colleagues. My partner gave me plenty of space. He was patient, understanding, and had perfect-timing. I drew from his strength, but he never imposed. Only for me to lose him to cancer, and having to start the process of grief all over again!
I was emotionally-exhausted, my energy was zapped; while I was much too busy tending to other relatives and their pain. I had to put my own grief on-hold. I had to conjure reserve-strength to help others. So incoming-calls got voice-mail; and text messages just piled-up!
He will seek your comfort when he wants it; not when you decide he needs it.
Your dramatics are not of much priority or of any help at this time. From your description of the relationship in the first paragraph; it is at best, mediocre. So a little space between you is probably best. You have time to pause and introspect. You weren't happy before this tragic moment.
Now you have time to assess what it is and where it is going. This is but a detour. I think the off-time is needed for both of you to decide if your relationship is merely on life-support.
See your doctor if your depression is affecting your health.
If you yourself had experienced such a loss; you'd have a better perspective on things. This is not the best time for drama. He may not want you now; that doesn't mean he will not need you later. If you're more of a mess than he is; then how will you make things any better?
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (17 December 2017):
Love is difficult at the best of times,and there has to be give and take on both sides.However this relationship seems to have started on rocky ground and a lot of problems to deal with.The death of his mum would be a major sad issue in his life and he needs space and time to deal with this.The issue of just 3 years difference between should make no difference at all.However you might consider sending him a text.email....stating that you are there for him if he needs you[that is if you want to put your life on hold for him]But there is no point at all to continue ringing,texting when you get no answer from him.It takes 2 for a relationship so let him contact you First.If after some time you receive no contact from him.MOVE ON and start a fresh,it will feel much better then hurting and feeling rejected.Best wishes NORA B.
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