A
female
age
41-50,
*immy_M
writes:My boyfriend finished with me a month and a half ago. I was desolate, and did the whole begging him to get back with me thing, which I now regret, but I was in a very bad way. He was reasonable and gave me a straight answer about why he was finishing things, saying 'You are a lovely person, but you just don't spark my interest and we don't have alot in common'. We DO have plenty in common, and I loved him and thought there was plenty of spark as well as us being best friends. He wanted to remain friends, and we have spoken pretty much every day since the split. He has come over a few times for pizza and dvds, and always ends up trying to snuggle up to me, falling asleep, and waking up with his arms around me. A few weeks ago he was encouraging me to look for another boyfriend, which really hurt me. But recently he hasn't been doing this. He still always tells me I'm lovely etc etc. I'm so confused. I'm still very much in love with him, although he doesn't know this. I told him I have come to terms with the split and am happy being friends. Is he using me to make himself feel secure, or is there a little niggle in his mind that he wants me back? It's driving me insane...I'm happy to give more details if need be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2008): It's hard to say what another person's thinking. We can only guess at his intentions. But it sounds to me that he enjoys the whole dating, or friendship thing better than the romance.
I would play it cool, accept his friendship. Keep you feelings of love to yourself for now and see what happens.
If you could do that without setting yourself up for more pain, then go for the friendship. However if you feel he is using you, then walk away now while you still have your dignity!
Twenty years ago I had a similar situation. The guy and I started out as friends, but there was always a flirtiness between us. There were extenuating circumstances that made it obvious we couldn't be a regular couple (No he wasn't married) I was so sexually attracted to him, and I was willing to settle for his friendship (he was a really nice guy) if that was all he could give me. We did have a sexual relationship too, but it was always understood that It couldn't be any more than "a sexual friendship" I told myself that was better than nothing! But, and here's the point I'm getting at...when it came time to leave him (I moved out of state) It tore my heart out to say goodbye. We both cried and admitted we wished things could be different. So...was it worth it? Probably not, it took me a year to fully get over him! Did it destroy my life? No, infact when I think of him on occasion, I still smile. Would I get myself into a situation like that again? No! But it was a life-lesson. Everything you go through in the present (even the painful stuff) is making you who you will be 10,20, and 30 years from now.
I haven't had the easiest life, mostly because of poor choices, but I've tried to learn from my mistakes and grown from my successes. And today...I like who I am! I have a wonderful man! A good career! And friends that really care about me. Everything I have gone through has made me who I am today!
Do some soul-searching and ask yourself is this relationship worth it even if it's not all I want out of it? Can I settle for friendship? They're not easy questions and your answers may change a million times before you make a final decision...but it's all part of life experience! Good Luck and God Bless! I wish you much happiness!
A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (24 November 2008):
 Hi honey, I dont think its agood idea to see so much of your boy if hes finished with you and you're still in love with him. How can you be friends with someone you're still in love with? Its like you're torturing yourself. If you want to know where you stand,stop seeing him and see what he does. Give him a chance to miss you and he might realise he's made a mistake. It sounds like at the moment all his needs are being catered for by you and you're in turmoil. Not a good position for you to be in. Make a tactical withdrawel and see what happens, Good luck x
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