A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of nearly two years, *Tom, is a creative personally that functions within logic. He is friendly to everyone. He has manners, is attentive to my needs in his presence, and strives to please me in bed. We treat each with respect and trust, and to outside eyes, we seem like a good couple. Tom, however, rarely inquires of the things and activities that are heart-felt to me, nor does he compliment inner beauty in myself or others. He expresses his vulnerability with friends, particularly women, and leaves me out of the loop. I have grown jealous of these women who seem closer to him (and more of a priority to him) than me. Feeling held at arms length, I am beginning to doubt the relationship. I express my vulnerabilities, remember special dates, praise his kindness and intelligence, and inquire of his interests. When I try to steer topic into revealing waters, and he pushes me away with a humorous answer, or he’ll change the subject. On one hand, Tom is happy to know about the things that are important to me, but he won’t actively seek out who I am. I’m usually always asking the questions, always getting the “safe”, factual, non-biased answer. It strikes me as unnatural. By all appearances, there is nothing wrong with Tom. I find him attractive, friendly, and intellectual. I just feel like I’m standing still. I’m usually very good at reading people, discovering who they are by what they say or don’t say, their body language, style, and activities. Tom, however, has me stumped because he shows he cares with his actions and yet doesn’t show he is interested in learning about me. So is it love, or is he just being polite to hold onto me until he’s ready to move on to another woman?We currently see each other on weekends, and when we’re together, I’m not worried about the relationship. It’s only when we’re apart do I really fret about the lack of emotional connection. I’m usually the one to call or email to say hello, but I’ve grown tired of being the prime mover in our communication. How do I express my concerns to him in the gentlest manner possible? I love him, but it’s being clouded by frustration. Please help, thank you all.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 November 2010):
 This one is actually a lot easier than you think. Pull back emotionally from him. Don't be the mover. Don't be the "chaser". Relationships have ebbs and flows. You say you've been seeing each other for two years? Has he been distant in the physical department?
Has he always been this way, or is this a recent development? If he's always been emotionally distant, that's one thing. However, if he's been emotionally open to you in the past, and this is a recent development, that's another.
Many guys aren't hard-wired to seek emotional connection, and there might be a small bit of your insecurity that is seeing this vulnerability in him towards other women. How personal and vulnerable can he get with other women in your presence?
If after pulling back emotionally from him for a bit doesn't have him moving emotionally towards you, and indeed he seems oblivious to anything you do, you might want to talk to him about how you feel. Be honest and tell him that you're feeling like his humorous resistance to you opening up to him and that it feels like rejection of who you are. I have this feeling that he's oblivious to it, and is feeling like the relationship has reached a comfortable level while you want to bring it to a higher one.
If after talking to him and he dismisses the problem and/or remains emotionally distant to you, it's time to re-evaluate your compatibility as a couple.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): Some people are simply not "phone people". In a way, they are more "passive" as they could be considered more listeners than question- askers.
When he listen to you relating personal things about yourself and your past, does he seem attentive? Does he make little comments here and there that prove interest and care? Does he seem always eager to cut you off, or does he seem to have a knack for lengthening your speech, in a way that makes it feel less a one- sided oratory than a real conversation? If so, he qualifies as a natural listener, perhaps the "silent type", but also perhaps not. I feel he comes off as either quite masculine or quite sensitive, or both, as these two should not be considered so separate of each other.
If he shows he cares in other ways than having a constant need to explore your inner world (all that brain/soul- picking Could get a tad exhausting after a time..), I don't think there is so much a need to worry. If you enjoy being with him, you must accept his natural personality in full! I would guess, as you've been with him for a time, you do enjoy his company and conversation and have come to care for him. I would suggest putting your fears aside and having a bit more confidence in yourself as a great girlfriend. He wouldn't want to be with you if he weren't interested in you.
As for his tothepoint answers, it shows he has simple wisdom. Sensible folk are always handy to have about.
And, as for his emotional closeness with friends, he likely does not confide his own inner world in you because most guys want their girl to think of them as, well, supermen, with nary a shortcoming or weakness. Perhaps this is similar to how a lady might not want her guy to see the steps she goes through to make herself fresh and pretty every morning!
Every relationship is different. If you wish yours to last, you must be able to appreciate its uniqueness.
-Tante Victoire
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