A
female
age
41-50,
*ilkerin
writes:My story is a little complicated . I married very early and I am 26 and we separated now. I met a guy last year and became crazy for him in a short time , he is 35 and just broke up with his ex at that time. He said he likes me very much and we hung out for about two and half months , then he suddenly wanted to get back to his ex and I just letter him go. But after no contact with him about 1month , he started to email me and asked abut my life. I was going to disappear from his life but I can never refuse him , so we started to IM and text a lot and eventually met up. He said he still likes me and his relationship with his ex can't work out and he gave it up and wanted to have a try with us. So we started to date again , spent weekend together. But the weird part is I am still only his 'lady friend' and we never say sweet words to each other. He he called me 'sweetheart' last year and often said' I miss u' , but this year never happened. I asked about that once,he said he doesn't think we need those. One thing I am sure is he does care about me and is very caring. I can see the love from his eyes but he never says that. He said he likes spending time with me and doing things together. He also said he is so comfortable with me and so relaxed but always uncomfortable with his ex.Another part I can't understand is he seems to not like me do things for him. He has been sick recently. I went to grocery and got him his favourite food and took care of him at his house. I made chicken noodle soup for him. He is always grateful and looking at at me gentlely , hugs me kisses me when accepting them.but he also says 'you don't have to, please stop doing things', which makes very uncomfortable and disappointed. I am very confused, why doesn't he like me to care about him? Is it because he is afraid he can't do the same to me ?That would be a very heart-breaking answer.He admitted he loves his ex and said when he was trying to contact at the beginning of this year , he felt guilt for his ex, but after hugged me the guilty feeling was gone and he was sure he was right .And what is his attitude for me exactly ? He is not willing to talk about this topic with me , he admitted he cares about me. When I showed a little worry and unhappy , he always can see and ask ,I try to hide it though. But he only asked me not to worry about the futureFor now, I feel very insecure and am kinda waiting for him to leave me one day like last year. But sometimes he also makes me feel he will love me one day, but the fact is his ex , the woman he loves so much , is 38 but I am only 26, how can he love so different two women ?Btw I'm working my issue too , and he knows about thatHe also said the it affects him a lot that he has many relationships that didn't work out, is it true or only excuse?Or all my feelings are only misunderstanding ,he just uses me for company and sex( he loves my body). what is the way the guy think about?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aioli_green +, writes (10 April 2009):
Well, Erin, it's good that you have a life and are keeping up with that.
I think it's fine how you feel-- I don't think you're "stupid" or a "loser" for feeling the way you do. You're a grown woman, and you're making your own decisions now. People ought to respect that.
I strongly hope, however, that you keep in mind how risky this relationship sounds. It sounds like you realize you might end up very disappointed-- however, I'm assuming you also feel that you could end up very happy with him (or else, why would you put yourself through this?).
Be confident in that decision, but be careful about putting all your eggs in the basket. Don't give up on your personal goals and ambitions! Make sure you'll be ok (financially, career-wise, friend-wise, and family-wise)-- whether or not he's in the picture.
Also, if you decide to stay then enjoy it for what it's worth and don't assume it's going no where. You might create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know it's hard, but I think if you stay in this relationship you'll have to be willing to not think too much about where it's going. The problem with thinking it's going no where is that it's negative thinking-- which can only bring you down. I'm not saying to assume that the relationship will go somewhere... just suggesting you try to live in the moment (like he is).
A
female
reader, milkerin +, writes (8 April 2009):
milkerin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAioli
( I love that :)
I am very occupied, I have school , part-time job, art class ,gym plans. I was worried about how to handle my busy life when he was trying to get in. But since I love him so much, I always can make time for him.
so It seems no excuse to escape. I accept it if it is going to nowhere. I can't let myself hurt him( it may not be hurt? cuz he doen't love me?) or make him sad, I just can't speak it out. It is so difficult. I'd rather him to find somebody else or go back to to his ex and leave me firstly.
I know I am stupid. maybe I shouldn't post here.
And I still can't believe your guys saying about him are all true. I am such a loser :(
Erin
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A
female
reader, milkerin +, writes (8 April 2009):
milkerin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGina
I appreciate you are on my side.
He said he loves his ex in last year, this year, he told me that only when we met up at the first time. I haven't asked him after that.
About us, he likes to say 'let's see what will happen' most, does that mean anything? and he did say he cares about me. does it matter?
And why wouldn't he like me to be sweet. He even said' I sincerely appreciate your help and taking care of me'
It sounded so 'polite', I felt so sad when I heard that.
Also , since he loves his ex , who is a mature woman so much, so it is unlikely that he will also love a young me?
Best
Erin
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A
female
reader, aioli_green +, writes (8 April 2009):
Sorry to put it this way, but the situation reeks of rebound. He may be a wonderful, caring person but that doesn't automatically make him right for you.Some things to think about:- Sounds like things got tough between him and his ex. Is it the type of difficulty that could have been worked out (in your opinion)? If so, would you want to be with a guy who doesn't try to stick it out and make things work when the relationship gets difficult?- Some people instinctively (whether they realize it or not) keep options open. For example, classic job hunting advice says to stay in your current job until you get an offer somewhere else. It sounds to me like he kept you on the line and when things got too tough with his ex he came back. Although he broke things off with you during this time, he still tested the water and came back. Maybe he was on the border of breaking up with his ex when he emailed you to see if you were still an alternative? Would he have broken up with his ex if he had discovered you were taken or no longer interested? - Two and a half months is a bit long in my opinion, but still acceptable for not getting serious. Furthermore, he just left a serious relationship. Some women can handle this, others prefer not to. It sounds like you want more but he's not willing to talk to you about it. In a healthy relationship, the guy should be willing to communicate. You can give it another go (who knows if your approach/timing is off?), but if he objects again than you have two issues: 1. you two want different things out of the relationship2. he's not willing to communicate- Have you asked yourself what your needs/wants are in a relationship? It sounds like you're very caring, dedicated, and affectionate. It also seems that you (like many women, including myself) want some sense of security in a relationship. Consider whether you'd be happy if the current situation never changed and simply continued. Would you be ok with that, never knowing where the relationship is going? - If you don't want to break it off with him yet, maybe you should see other people? He hasn't committed, so he hasn't earned the right to object. Don't be sneaky about it either-- casually mention it to him, even. If this doesn't get his butt moving in the direction you want, then you'll find the answer to your original question. If you don't want to date other men, then you could just start filling up your life with things not involving him. A new hobby, volunteering, a pet... Basically, make yourself less available. If he's not committed than why should you treat him like a top priority? As a bonus, doing other activities may introduce you to new men. Perhaps you'll find someone who's ready to give you want you want.
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A
female
reader, milkerin +, writes (8 April 2009):
milkerin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGina:
thank you. I can't belive he is completely using me, is there any other parts? If he is using me, why does he show concerns about me? why does he like to listen to me? talk with me? is it too unfair to judge him in this way?
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