A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm 25, female and, like so many others, want to know if my crush feels the same way about me as I do him. It is a rather complicated situation as he is one of my lecturers at university. It sounds instantly like a 'no go' and at the moment, it certainly is but as of three weeks, he will no longer teach me. We are already friends. We meet socially and email frequently, the content rarely being anything other than chit chat. We seem to have a lot in common and always have a great time when we are together (he has actually said this to me). I am in no doubt that he likes me very much, but I do not know if this is purely platonic or if he finds me attractive as there seem to be signs that point either way. He certainly does not treat me as he does other students. In fact, he hasn't formed friendships with other students. When we meet, we usually end up losing track of time and being late for where ever we are meant to be. When we see each other around campus, he always stops to talk to me and always seems to notice me. He claims to have a terrible memory but remembers ridiculous details about me for example, my timetable, nicknames I give to people, conversations we had over a year ago (including the first time we met), things about my childhood and family; the kind of things that you would not expect people to remember about you . He also notices really small things about me and seems to make a point of telling me that he has noticed, usually just after reiterating that he is inherently unobservant. For example, he made a dig in a lecture about 'the people at the back' and when I pulled him up on it (in a light-hearted way obviously) he told me that he knew I was at the back and then went on to point out exactly where I had been sitting and more to the point, where I usually sit in lectures; there were about 150 people on this module. When we are talking around campus, we will talk for ages, that is, unless someone else joins us when he quickly makes an excuse to leave. We always make, and sustain eye contact even when we are engaged in talking with others. I have even noticed him looking at me when we are talking in two separate groups, although we both quickly look away again. If I do not email him for a couple of days, he will ask me to and has said he 'loves reading my emails'. He has even mentioned meeting up in the summer break, although this is not set in stone at the moment. The thing is, there are times when it feels like he doesn't want to talk to me at all. Like sometimes, the emails abruptly stop, usually following a very cold, straight to the point response from him. I will then stop emailing him until he asks me to resume, which he always does. In seminar situations, he sometimes seems to be avoiding looking at me altogether, while other times, things seem perfectly normal. There have been a couple of instances where he is obviously avoiding my gaze (even when I am talking) and others when he sustains eye contact long after I have finished talking and even when others are talking. He has never tried to make physical contact (other than a 'high five') and sometimes I am sure he knows how I feel about him and his moments of being 'stand-off-ish' are a way of letting me down gently. But if this is the case, why would he continue to be so personal with me? There are also times when the atmosphere between us feels so intense that there doesn’t seem to be any other explanation but as this is only a feeling, I have no idea if he is thinking the same thing, or if it is just me that gets this vibe. I don't want to ask him as I really do enjoy spending time with him, even if it never goes any further and I would not want to do anything that may jeopardise what we already have. What do people think? Does he feel the same as me, or are these signs just wishful thinking on my part?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (14 May 2011):
 Just to add to my earlier post (and please don't take this the wrong way)...
as you are older than the majority of the 2nd year undergrad students it could be that your lecturers find it easier to communicate with you on a certain level. You are older, wiser and more inclined to listen with maturity. Generally most undergrads are still very much babies, they are teenagers, away from home for the first time and they act like it. Silly, immature and childlike (I work at a university). As tutors you do find yourself being drawn to those students who actually tackle their studies in a grown up way, care about what they are doing and who are interested in their work. Undergrads who go out drinking and come into lectures hungover are two a penny, it wastes my time and I wonder why they are even bothering to turn up.
My point being, is that it is much easier to form a relationship of any kind with someone who is receptive to learning and listening... and often these are the more mature students. 18 yr olds go to uni for the social life, those who have taken time out or gone later make the active decision to go to learn - that is the difference, and as tutors it is a big one!
Good luck with your studies!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are off the mark on a couple of points; I am a second year undergraduate and my university is near my home town (my choice was one of convenience)but I must admit you have confirmed some of my own feelings on this matter. Thank you for an honest answer!
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (14 May 2011):
ok.... personally I would say walk away from this, he is just being friendly.
You do not know how he acts with ALL his other students. There may be 150 in your year, but what about all the others. You do not know how he behaves with them when you are not around to see. It is perhaps that because you fancy him, you pick up on his behaviour towards you, yet do not see it when he does similar things with other people. He may email other people. You do not know.
Apart from that it is very unethical to date a student, however old you are. It is frowned upon.
University tutors, especially younger ones do try and make friends with thier students. Many I know get very pally with them, but that is as far as it goes. Friendly banter.
My question to you is, what are you going to do once you graduate? Are you going to stay in your university town? Do you have a job yet? Are you applying for jobs? What are your plans for the next year?
Can you afford to live in the University town or will you have to move back home? How far away is this from the University?
THESE are the questions you need to be thinking about. There is no point even considering if he feels the same if you have to move away as soon as you graduate for a job.
As a teacher, there are always students that you get on better with than others. You click as people and in any other situation you probably would be great friends. But this cannot happen. Students move on, grow up, forge their own lives and careers. They MOVE ON. Lecturers stay where they are and every year a new batch of students arrives, new faces, new personalities.
You are just a nice woman who he sees as a friend. If you are a postgraduate student (as suggested by your age) then you have been seen as more on a level with the lecturers. They will treat you as more of a friend than a student. That is how they work! When I did my Masters degree, I used to go hang out with my tutor, he would buy me lunch, send me silly emails, even on the weekend and do all sorts of 'non-teacher' type stuff. As MA students we used to regularly go out with the younger members of the dept staff for drinks, pub, dinner, trips, BBQ's... because it was fun, and we are a group of friends. This is how it works - nothing to do with fancying or wanting to date us. There were a couple of lecturers who used to email, ask did I want to go for coffee, then we would go and have a gossip somewhere, to escape from work, or to hide from first years...it was about being friends.
Think about this from a logical point of view, once you graduate you no longer have any need to be around the university. You will move on, and that is the right thing to do.
Do not tie yourself to someone who apart from longer eye contact and a friendly nature has shown you no romantic feelings at all.
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