A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met this wonderful man, fell in love, everything was going great until he told me that he would not marry me until I earned my bachelor's degree. At first I didn't care because I was in college when he met me and I intend to finish with or without him. Now though, he puts pressure on me to hurry up and finish. I loaded up on classes and ended up failing one class and he is furious.I've been lectured about failing this class like he is my father.Now my GPA is a big deal to him too.The pressure is overwhelming me. My friend says that he is just shallow and if he really loved me that my college degree wouldn't matter. He is working on his Ph.D,so he expects his future wife to be educated and be able to take care of his children if something were to happen to him. MY question is - Is it the norm in society for the educated to only marry the educated? And any advice on dealing with the pressure?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. It makes sense and its funny because I'm constantly having to explain things to him, lol. I guess I need to make him understand that I'm going to buckle under the pressure he is putting on me.
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (6 August 2009):
 The research evidence suggests that educated people tend to marry educated people (more or less), but that is one of very many factors in relationship happiness and long-term compatibility. I have a PhD, but my husband had just a high school education when I met him. I did encourage him to do a degree (as he is now) because I thought he would enjoy the challenge. However, it was never a condition of our marriage or anything drastic like that. I would be seriously questioning the basis of any relationship where he was imposing such drastic conditions to his love and affection. There are lots of ways of expressing intellectual ability, skills and talent in the world...a PhD is one of them (possibly). A PhD is not a measure of his intellectual superiority over you, however. In fact it is more about being able to stick with a project and see it through to the end without cracking up or deciding there is more to life - stamina, not IQ. By all means finish your education as it will give you job security and self confidence - but don't do it for him. Everyone fails at something sooner or later...you have a bad day for an exam, you are not interested in the subject etc...failure is character building. If you can stand right back up after that punch of defeat and try again, you are a better person. In my experience, people who have it easy academically for years on end lack coping and problem-solving skills. When something crops up that isn't going their way, they fall apart - I draw on my experience as a postdoc at Oxford Uni. (I could write a book on the neurosis that was brewing in that ivory tower!). Anyway, back to your problem...don't let him bully you, it is a really bad sign - he sounds like a power hungry narcissist and you don't want to sign up to a life of misery by being reminded how wonderful he is, and how you are not (in his eyes).
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): I have spoken to a great deal of people, on and off this site, who do epect their spouses to be educated. I was just talking to someone about it alst night. He said "if I'm going to work this hard to get me (can't remember what degree) then she could at least have been through college."
It does make sense. Can you imagine marrying someone who didn't seem to have the same basic knowledge that you do.. someone you felt you had to explain everything to? I get the feeling that a lot of educated people look down on those who are not, because they see themselves as "more worthy" of great things.. and they worked hard so why can't everyone else work hard.. do you see what i'm saying?
It makes sense, but there is a certain way to go about acheiving that sort of relationship and he is going about it the wrong way. I don't agree with the pressure he's putting on you. If you don't like it, then you need to MAKE him understand how much it bothers you and that it is jeapordizing your rekationship! He may not believe that he will ever lose you because he sees himself as King of the Smart World and god's gift to educated women, but you need to instill the possiblity of it into him, that you won't tolerate all his insane and abnormally high expectations.
Whatever you decide to do, dont' let yourself be treated like a child but someone who is no less a child than you are.
goodluck.. take care.
~Sy.
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