A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I can't believe it has come to this again. Last week a met this guy through Uni and instantly started messaging me on Facebook once he tracked me down. And has not stopped since. He was shaping into such a nice guy, even invited me out for drinks, introduced me to his friends and I could not believe my luck at stumbling across such a genuine guy. We only went out for drinks a few days ago after only knowing him for a few days too... and he kindly dropped me off to save me a walk home. That night he messaged me saying, as soon as I got out of the car he felt like he had let me down. Confused, I questioned why he would feel like that and he replied because he thought he should have made more of an effort! As if he wasn't nice enough already he thought he needed to make more of an effort?! Never met a guy like him!We do exchange flirty messages so I may have 'asked for' what was coming next by fuelling the conversation but it all turned sexual recently. Asking for pictures. Now I have played the whole picture game before, I have always been sensible about it and luckily nothing bad has ever come of it but I know how wrong these things can go! Especially in the wrong hands. It's not really my body or anything I'm worried about it's the meaning of the picture, now I'm a little older I haven't done anything like that in years but I just don't want to be perceived as 'that girl'. I suppose. Anyway at the time I sent him a holiday snap which is a little revealing to say the least but it was already online amongst my holiday albums so I wasn't really bothered about it.Getting to the point... I'm now questioning what kind of guy this guy is. Does asking for pictures mean he's only after one thing... a quick fix? I would never have had him down as someone who played girls especially with all his gentleman nature at the start.Is he a good guy with a bit of lad banter? (What I hope is true) Or another wrong one that's lured me in?!Is sex talk and asking for pictures just harmless fun? He did specify how obviously I didn't have to comply, but it was the sheer shock of him suddenly asking, I suppose guys are guys at the end of the day!Please let me know your thoughts!
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 February 2014):
 I forgot to answer your initial question.
Does it make him a bad guy?
No. But like FA so brilliantly pointed out - IT IS a symptom of how people communicate today and how they see others. Instant gratification Generation. That is your generation.
This is WHY YOU need to stick to what you KNOW and FEEL is right for you. Setting your boundaries early is a smart thing. You kind of blurred the lines by giving in and sending him one from summertime, because it SHOWS you are willing to try and please him even if you don't really FEEL it's something you want to do. But it doesn't mean you OWE him anything.
Would a TRUE gentleman ask for pictures like that? Think on it.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 February 2014):
 This is a pretty serious question and it leads to all sorts of issues that deserve our attention here. Honey has already covered objectifying and pacing the relationship. What I have to say today is related but different enough to warrant taking up space here.
I would say that this is a symptom of the digital age, and it certainly is becoming more of a problem now, but back in the 80's I had a coworker who had all the symptoms. It does seem to be a guy thing but I am sure that there are women with the same problem. I don't know the name for it but I think of it as "thinking the world is a video game". In other words you are the only real person and everyone else is just there to keep you entertained. When a person slips into this mindset it is very easy for them to think of all other people (not just girls) as objects. They go about trying to find a magical combination of words and actions that will allow them to "score" more. Whether the score is a picture, or a sale, or a promotion, they seem to think that all they need to do is find the "cheat code" and they can have it. When their cheat code fails to work they can get very mean in exacting revenge against the system that has denied them what they "earned".
Now, I'm not saying that your gentleman has this mistaken world view. What I am saying is that him asking for a picture so early looks like a person trying to get a quick score.
Having brought up this idea I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I don't have much advice for curing the malady. Mostly you need to realize what is going on, and be cautious.
Also be cautious with the "guys are guys at the end of the day" thinking. It is helpful to understand guys motivations but don't think we are so one dimensional.
FA
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2014):
 Well the only way to find out if he's genuine and true is to NOT send dirty pics (wise girl) and not have sexual talk with him this early on in a relationship....
the truth is boys ask because they are testing... and because they want pics and some girls will send them.
the only way to know if he's a good guy is to give him time and behave the way you want a good guy to be treated.
no sexting.
no dirty pictures
no conversations about sexual activities...
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (19 February 2014):
 I'd class it as an amber flag rather than red, because of the preceding sexy text messaging. He might equally be wondering about you and what kind or woman you are (sorry but it's true, let's not have double standards) given the mutual sexual/ flirty messages, though yes he went further in asking for a photo.
Sex talk and exchanging photos is absolutely fine once you're already in a trusting relationship IMO. Before then, I think it can give the wrong impression (unless the people involved are just looking for casual).
I agree with Honeypie, ease up on the texts and get to know him by going on more dates. Texting too much can cause exactly this sort of dilemma. Oh and never, ever try to discuss anything serious via text - that's disastrous.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 February 2014):
I don't think it guarantees anything, but it's something to be aware of. Wait a little to sleep with him and see if he's still interested.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (19 February 2014):
 You don't have to give you away like a porn stars. You're not one, and don't aim to be one, so I bet you would mind anyone thinks about you like a trashy public woman, right ? Are you just a "flesh for fantasy" as sang Billy Idol ? I feel you're not that kind of girl.Anyway, a good guideline is: would you like your parents to learn you're giving to almost total strangers pictures of your genitals ? Still, would you like your daughter giving pictures of her genitals to boys she just met ?Are you that low in the human scale that you have to advertise you by letting unknown people have a good glance of your clitoris ? Next will be an magnifying endoscopy of your ovaries ?This discussion is gross as you can see it, exactly as is the fact a nobody-guy asks a girl sexual pictures of her in order to masturbate on it... or for showing them to his laughing friends, proudly and loudly claiming: "another f.ck.ng cheek who plays full monty because she's craving for a good shag with me".Don't be, oh no don't be please that girl, sweetie !
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 February 2014):
I think sex talk and asking for pictures SO early on is a bit of a red flag. Because it makes he seem like he is OBJECTIFYING you, seeing you as a body, walking vagina, NOT a person. BUT you can also look at in a more positive light and say he is attracted to you, no doubt.
I would pull back on the sex talk, NOT send any pictures not even bikini from holiday type ones, and I would cut back on the texting flirting and try and make more of an EFFORT to go out on dates. (as in spend time together face to face - and yes, I would do these in public, because it's pretty easy to end up having sex that you might WANT to have, but aren't really READY for, because the relationship is still so new).
He knows how to woo a girl. He knows how to "play" the gentleman, doesn't mean he IS ONE. EVERYONE (including you I'm sure) puts their best foot forward early on in the "getting to know you phase" and the first 6-12 months of a relationship - so show their true face earlier, but it DOES take a good few months to get to know a person. Which is why I always advocate SPENDING time together, not just text, IM, Facebook. And WAIT with sex til they feel they know the other person well enough to share sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): Actually, he sounds to me like a classic player. He's feeding you all the right lines to lure you in. His true colors are now starting to show, because even though he may be good at acting, apparently he can't keep it up very long. He's already getting impatient. Let's look at the facts: 1.) He tracked you down on social media RIGHT AFTER meeting you. If he wanted to talk to you again, he could have just as easily asked for you number. The fact he went through Facebook instead tells me he's more interested in looking through your pictures than getting to know you. Sure, he may be talking to you a lot on Facebook, but you can bet he's also surfing through your pictures. The mere fact he looked you up after only meeting you once would strike me as too hasty, even a bit creepy. 2.) He asked for more explicit pictures after only knowing you a week. This proves what I said above about being more about looking at your pictures than getting to know you. Since it's only been a week, he still really doesn't know you at all. The fact your conversations have already turned sexual tells me that's the only thing he's interested in. Don't give him the pictures. If you do, you can guarantee all his friends and more will see them as well. And yes, you will be viewed as "that girl".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): You will never be able to get a real feel and read on someone until you are in the same room them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): If your flirty texts were of a sexual nature then he may have gotten a bit horny and over zealous! While not one for playing games myself, it's inly the beginning so maybe flirt back and tease him but not send him a picture! Say something like you don't to ruin the surprise with him and then you make him wait a bit longer before you do anything with him! Tease him, he'll chase and want you more. But not too much teasing because you don't want him to think you're all about that either and he gets sick of it. Just get to know him more. He seems genuine from what you've said so he's probably just a horny boy! :-)
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