A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel so rubbish and hope someone can cheer me up.. I have had an on-off relationship with a guy for about 5 years now. Our relationship has been very intense, but he always runs away and comes back again. We recently got back in touch again after a three month-no contact break. I have been feeling hopeful that this time would be different. Problem is that he keeps me at a very big emotional distance and I find this cold and lonely. The relationship never seems to progress and the pain of his rejection has become unbearable over the years. I decided to break contact with him and I said to him: "Being kept at the emotional distance that you prefer me to be is just too cold for me and I believe it is instead better to be away completely and focus my energy on moving forward in my life".He responded: "If I am being honest it's probably the best decision for both of us to move forward.. I hope you can meet someone who can give you the love you deserve"Yes, yes I know it sounds like a nice response, but to me it sounds like he doesn't even care that I want to go away (and he even thinks it is a good idea!) and that I am not worth very much to him.. It is heartbreaking and has really shattered my confidence. I hope someone has a few wise words for me :-) Thanks xx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): When one door of happiness closes, another opens, often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 He's acknowleding that you are a great woman, at the same times he's saying that he won't/can't/ or never will love you the way you want him to love you. I know you need this but really you do deserve a person who's not going to throw your heart around so much, it is not a toy.
He may not know it but running away from someone creates a sense of fondness where the heart wonders where the other significant is and the absence of that significant other just continually grows in the heart. That's what he's doing, he may not realise it but that's it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And that's what your heart is feeling.
Maybe it would be best to socialize with some friends and by chance meet someone new, it's always exciting, and for you, it won't seem so randomly painful. It's fun, you will feel refreshed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): This is from the person who posted the question:
Thank you so, so much Lola1, Casey and anonymous. Your advice has really helped me to feel better and see things in perspective.
XXX
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 I don't see it as anything but a very loving and honest way of saying we're like oil and water but you deserve better than me.(parasphrasing) It's my suposition that heloved you deeply but couldn't handle the relationship for one reason or another (he may not even know) We men tend to either run or fight when we have an issue evolve that we don't know how to fix. you see, ask anyone; we (men are supposedto be able to fix stuff and when we can't we are embarrassed and frightened so we run or dissolve into the night(so to speak) Assuming he can't admit that and/or won't admit that(macho) his best way out is to tell you in not so many words that you deserve someone that can express his feelings(because he loved [or still loves]). That would be my take on it as you explained it. Being a guy is tough work...we are not allowed to express feelings for most of our youth then all of a sudden we end up hurting the ones we love because we don't know how to express our feelings. ergo we run like the wind. Kind of like a kid would do after being caught in a lie. I hope my opinion helps sooth the pain. good wishes.R
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 Here is what you need to know.
1) He likes you, cares about you and thinks you are special. If he didn't he wouldn't keep coming back.
2) It will not work because you have different desires for a future. We know this because it has not worked in the past.
3) It doesn’t matter what he says at this point. You are feeling fragile and your ego is bruised, so anything he says is going to hurt, save “NO! You’re wrong! I can let you in closer,” and if he doesn’t feel that way, it is not honourable to lie. That would be disrespectful of you and dismissive of your feelings and needs and wants, which he recognize as being justified and fair.
4) If he has a habit of holding back his feelings from you, then he isn’t also going to qualify this with showing you his feelings now. I am certain he is sad to see you go, he’ll miss you and wishes he could give you what you want. Just because he hasn’t said it, doesn’t mean he isn’t thinking it. Don’t believe me? Refer back to point #1.
5) If you decide to date him again, understand there is no future and this relationship is all about fun. Your feelings won't get hurt that way, but do not delude yourself into false hopes.
Breaking up when we don’t want to, is hard. I am sorry you have to go through with this. We want to be chased and told, “please don’t go,” but that does us no good when things can not change and here, nothing will.
To build up your confidence, I suggest a lot of girl-time, treating yourself to fun things, including new blouses, getting your nails done and dancing to empowering music. Sometimes you have to “Fake it until you make it”, which means ACT confidently and you will soon BE confident.
Be kind and gentle to yourself. I know you don’t fell this advice is what you wanted to hear, but I know you will be strong and make it through. What you want is a beautiful thing and you’ll meet another guy wants that, too. You CAN’T meet him while you are with the wrong guy.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): Maybe he doesn't feel as strongly as you, the truth is that if he is leaving all the time and won't open up he probably doesn't, but this isn't a reason to feel unconfident!!! He is just one guy on one street in one city in one country etc etc and he sounds like a jerk!! It's normall to need time to get over him but you just need to try hard and find someone else. You did the right thing to call it a day x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): 5 years is enough time to understand who you dealing with. He is obvously commitment fobiac, that's why he keeps emotionally on a distance. He is right, it's time to move on. Do yourself a favor and do it as soon as possible, so you can find someone open for commitments and relationship
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