A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Feeling pretty desperate today and would be grateful for advice. I am 36 and been married for 15 years. During my 20's my marriage turned sour but it was never bad enough to leave. There has been a lot of verbal abuse and overbearing behaviour on his part and I have retreated into my shell. People have commented on how introvert I have become. Because of some physical violence and not being accepted by my husbands family (and his disloyalty to me over this) I have grown to resent my husband and although he is a visually attractive man, who looks after himself physically, I just cannot find him attractive to me - and this includes sexually. I have not wanted to sleep with him for 6 years now and for the last 3 or 4 I have preferred to be in a separate bed. I am so unhappy on the inside but cannot find it in myself to leave so we co-habit. I moved out for 6 months once but still saw my husband at weekends. Ths situation was just another failure on my part to try and work out what to do and I moved back in with him - he wanted me to. Our relationship is a roller coaster of me trying to keep the peace and him being like a 'trip wire' and if I'm honest I can't really see what I get from it other than security and stability it is what I know but somehow this is too poweful to give up. My sadness stems from the fact that I have held off having children in my 20s because things were so rocky and during my 30s resigned myself to it never happening and I feel such loss for that. I feel like I'm punishing myself for making such a mess of all this and now think its all too late to change I'm on the shelf. I have few friends now and am unable to talk with family as they just have a 'get on with it' attitude and shrug their shoulders. Without wanting to go on and on now I am depressed (but refuse anti-deps because of side effects) and have given up making an effort with my appearance. I don't have any confidence including the ability to make decisions any more - even small every day things. I am left wondering where the real me has gone to. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward and what is best to do first? Feel very stuck. Thank you for any help.
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female
reader, Isabella1974  +, writes (26 May 2008):
 Hi there,
I am very sorry to hear of your situation.
You have been through so much, no wonder you retreated into your shell. I believe you have not wanted to sleep with your husband for 6 years because this was due to the fact that you suffered the abuse from him, there is connection here, where you dont get the emotional and loving support from your husband its natural that you could not be sexually involved, for most women, the emotional side is also very important.
You were at a loss as to the right thing to do through your married life, you did not know whether to leave or stay, so stayed and hoped for the best. Dont beat yourself up over this, if you are like me, i would prefer to have tried everything i possibly could and then have no regrets later. From what you say you have given everything to this marriage, you need to get something back and you are not getting this and you are very unhappy.
You are still only 36, you are not left on the shelf, you can make a new life for yourself and start over. You have not made a mess of things, you did what you did at the time because you felt it was the right thing to do. Believe me, its not to late, you are in your prime and if you so choose can still have children.
I think its time you removed youself from this unhealthy situation, it thats what you want to do. Its a pity you dont have the support of your family at this stressful time for you.
Its natural you are depressed, you dont know where to go from here. Have you thought about professional counselling, it can really help you as for the anti deps, i agree with you on this on, i have seen my friend on these and it made her worse.
The fact that you say you dont have the ability to make decision any more and have stopped making an effort with your appearance signifies that you are getting deeper into depression and need some professional help. I have heard walking is suppose to help, it clears the mind and helps you think clearer.
Take each day, one day at a time, get into a routine, get up, have your shower put on something nice, even if you dont feel like it, it will make you feel a bit better. Are you working, if not, why not find something you like to work at, it will keep you busy and will help you meet new people.
Can you take up something that you have always had an interest in doing before and never got around to doing it. Join clubs, meet new people.
I hope this helps you a bit, take care and try to be strong in this difficult period. xx
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