A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my ex boyfriend amicably agreed to break up around a year ago and let fate decide where we'd end up. I was travelling, he was studying and it just wasn't our time. Even though we decided this together, he became more hurt about our breakup as time went by, and as a result his family and friends started to dislike me as they saw me as the cause of all of his pain. He told them negative things about me, I'm guessing because of this hurt, and told them he'd never be with me again.However there's been two occasions one recent and one many months ago where he confessed how much he loves me and wants to be with me, despite everyone against us. I can't tell if he's romantising the idea of me, as he said he often fantasies about us falling back to each other. I never stopped caring for him, or thinking about him but do you think it's wise trying again with his family and friends against us? And also that he poured his heart out to me, but told his friends a completely different story about how he feels for me? I wouldn't jump straight back into his arms, I'd start from square one again, but I feel very confused about all of this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2018): In reading your post it comes across too much like you feel sorry for him. I know you felt something for him before; but the post seems so centered on his feelings about you, yet not so much about how his feelings are reciprocated.
Like you're obligated to make it up to him for breaking-up with him. Is the objective to change how everyone else feels about you?
Um....NO!!!
I really don't think you need to go back to a guy who was so immature and boyish. His way of dealing with things was to bad-mouth and turn people against you. He scorched earth behind you; when it was supposed to have been an amicable breakup.
How would you feel in a lopsided-situation where everyone is on his side; while everyone is turned against you? Always looking at you sideways? Seems he went on a rampage and left no stones unturned! He covered just about everyone.
He lied about you!
How do you reboot and/or nurture a relationship with nobody's blessing? All odds against you from the start!
He's acting more like the woman in your relationship, than you! Reading each detail in the post; I pickup on one reasonable adult-female...and one man-boy, if not drama queen!!!
You don't need to go through the grinder to mend his broken-heart. I think you'd both be better-off going your separate ways, and ending all contact. He'll be pulling you into a situation where you're always apologizing for yourself; and beholden to his family and friends. That would not only be exhausting, but it would break your spirit. Beneath your dignity.
Don't spend the best years of your life groveling, bowing, and scraping to appease the wrath of his family and friends. He closed the door to reconciliation when he took his vindictive show on the road. His one-man "Burn My-Ex Tour!"
He needs to man-up and get over himself. You need to move-on and get on with your life. It's over and done.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 May 2018):
 No, I don't think it's wise.
If he has talked SO much smack about you behind your back after the break up, even if you start at "square 1" it probably won't work. Also, you can't start over. That isn't how relationships and life works. Because THERE is a past here, there is history here.
He sees you as a fantasy. So not as a real person in a way but this "idealized version" of you and of what HE wants in a GF. Which means it will be an uphill battle for you where you kind of have to compete with this "ideal fantasy" and quite frankly, you won't measure up.
Everything that went wrong was ALL your fault, so the dude didn't take responsibility either. And if this doesn't work out because you WILL fall from this high pedestal he has put you on, it will be all your fault again.
Now I GET that sometimes being angry at the ex after a break up is a WAY for some people to cope, but it also means he has created an absolutely HOSTILE environment for you to try and navigate with the people that means the MOST to him, family and friends.
I wouldn't try this again. Just to much water under the bridge and too much negativity to try and battle.
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