A
male
age
30-35,
* love TDG
writes:I have this friend, who I'm head over heels for. He's extremely cute, smart, kind of socially awkward, etc. We hang out a ton and I consider him one of my best friends. Although there's one problem - I think he's straight and it would never work between us. Or at least I thought he was straight. I'm not entirely sure, which is why I came here.His body language tells me he's interested, although his verbal language tells me otherwise. For example;We touch eachother a lot. Nothing inappropriate, it's more of like a lot of hugs or just messing with eachother, like the other day he kept trying to honk my car's horn and I grabbed his arms trying to restrain him from honking the horn.. "roughhousing" if you will, but it's a little different. I hold onto him and he holds onto me a lot longer than I would when I'm messing with another friend.He's held my hand a few times, although he gently squeezed my hand for what I think was a coverup, or an excuse. He could have squeezed my hand a lot harder. because the first time we held hands he proved to me that he could. Another time he sat on my lap.And another time he was in my car listening to the radio and we looked eachother in the eyes for a good 10 seconds until I started to blush and looked away, hoping he wouldn't notice. (he didn't notice)He constantly brushes up against me.He pulls me very close at the movies to whisper things into my ear. Like I'll basically have my head resting on his chest or shoulder before he tells me. He laughs a ton around me. But, the things he says kind of keeps me thinking that I'm reading too much into things.For example, a couple days ago we spent the day fishing. It was just me and him on a boat, alone for 6 hours. All he talked about was how bummed out he was because he has bad luck with girls or whatever.Today he got angry and I told him he needed a hug and he replied "I don't have anyone to hug, though." I offered him to hug me because we hug a lot. and he replied "I don't want to hug you, I want to hug the girlfriend that I don't have." There's a lot more stuff he says that makes him sound as straight as an arrow but I've already typed a novel here.But apparently he talks a lot about me to one of my friends. She describes it as "You're all he talks about now. Last year it was all about ... and now it's all about you." And he mentioned that my body was "interesting to feel" to her.Am I reading too much into things?Should I just drop it?Do you think I have good reasoning to question his sexuality?Do you think he could possibly be gay or bi?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): I will again get your head in the right place. Straight doesn't mean a man can't be affectionate to another man. If you are out to your friend, he is comfortable with you; because you are his friend and he knows you very well.I am gay also. My straight male friends know they can cross barriers with me that they can't with other straight males. Not because they are sexually attracted to me, but because they don't feel threatened by me; and they know it will not be misinterpreted. They can be at ease. Holding my hand or putting an arm around me, only means they deeply care about me. They love me as a friend. I respect their boundaries and never cross them by misinterpreting these gestures of love and friendship. They are really hot guys too!Young men at your age are always curious about their sexuality. Especially boys who are still virgins. They can be a little ambivalent. If they have never had sex with anyone, they aren't as rigid or uncomfortable around gay men.He hasn't made any sexual advances toward you; but he may seek your affection when he needs it. He appreciates how close you are to him and how much you value his friendship.Straight guys like hugs. You can't gauge whether a guy is sexually interested in you by the examples you've given; because you are reading too much out wishful thinking.He hasn't really done anything that guys don't usually do.It is almost common for gay boys to crush on their closest and most attractive male friend. You are attracted to his looks and the fact he is male. It's in your nature.Growing up, my guy-friends have groped me, grabbed my crotch, and we've wrestled and rough-housed. Even looked at each others privates, to compare size; or dry-humped each other playfully. This is primal behavior, and establishing male dominance. We didn't know that at the time. We were just horny boys and anything felt good rubbing against you down there. Later sexual identities formed, and this behavior changed.That is normal male-bonding. It's different when touching is more of a sexual nature and it happens frequently. An erection is a dead give-away. However; athletes are so full of young hormones and testosterone, that it isn't unusual to see them walking around the gym fully erect. Or wrestlers embarrassed that they got turned on by rolling around on top of each other. It is purely natural and has nothing to do with being gay.There are others that argue this point, but I've been around long enough not to misinterpret straight behavior as gay; just because it "resembles" homosexual behavior. Women like long hair, so do men; to site another example.Straight men are more used to being around gay men than ever before; because we are no longer as secretive and shunned as we were before. They can't shove us into the closet and deny us out of existence. So they have to come to terms with the fact that we're here, we're queer, and it's a personal problem if you can't handle it. That doesn't mean there aren't homophobic fools who wouldn't bash your brains out. It's now a hate crime, and we don't take it lightly anymore. Nor does the public at large. They are starting to see this hatred for what it is.Keep it platonic and friendly. Your friend will let you know if he feels anything more than just being your friend; and you should respect his boundaries. I say it over and over to young gay people. You can so easily develop a crush on your best friend of the same sex; but you can also destroy your relationship by trying to turn it "gay," if it isn't. Many straight guys wouldn't mind having gay friends; if they could trust that they wouldn't force unwanted sexual advances on them. Otherwise; they don't care who we prefer to have sex with or how. One of my closest straight friends says he wouldn't have cared how to dress or wear his hair to attract women, if it wasn't for me. He has been married for 8 years, and has 2 kids. His wife agrees. She has a gay cousin. Tried to fix me up. He's not my type; too insensitive for my taste. He's very handsome, just the same.Men are playful and we often push the boundaries. That is our nature. I have straight married male friends who give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and don't think twice about it.They are kind and understanding, and all for gay rights.They advocate gay-marriage and they are comfortable in their skins; because they know their sexual identity and preference remains intact. They'll tease me and flirt, but I take it for what it is. They're just having fun with me.Adopt this understanding and you will let things progress naturally. If you try to read things into what he does; you will be tempted to make the wrong move. Then you may upset or anger him. Let him always make the first move; if you think he is gay-curious. Don't go over-board crushing on him. When he finds a girlfriend, then you'll have to deal with jealousy. Gay people are often accused of trying to recruit straight people " to turn them gay." It's ignorant and stupid; but no need to reinforce foolish stereo-types.That can also hurt the wonderful friendship you have.So behave yourself and appreciate what you have. He will go on to be one of those cool straight guys who is more secure in his sexual identity; and able to appreciate his gay friend(s) without fear or prejudice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): What you've described sounds like flirting. Or if not, It's sweet bromance.
Either way, the fact that he's talking to you about other girls means he's either not realized that he fancies you or he doesn't actually like you.
In both scenarios, you want to play it by ear don't raise your expectations and don't put pressure on things. If he really wants you, that rough housing will end up in a kiss :-)
In the meantime, just enjoy your beautiful friendship. I get the impression that if you tell him your feelings before he's ready, he'll get scared and scurry off.
Good luck!
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