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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have been seeing a guy for the past 6 months. I was cautious about getting into anything because I thought he was just after a bit of fun, but anyway things progressed and we have seen each other every day since the start of June this year. I moved house back in september and he was there constantly for 2 months, then started spending the odd night at his parents (and I know he was there for a fact)... he is a singer songwriter and recently recorded his 1st album on which I was playing an instrument also. He suddenly turned on xmas eve and was very bitter, cold and off with me. He always said all along that we were not having a relationship, he termed it making the best of life, but then would do everything for me... clean the house, cook, walk my dog, run me baths lights and cleans out the fire.... I'm wondering why the sudden change.. he won't say anything is wrong and told me on xmas day that this is the way he gets if he does not spend enough time alone... but he was at perfect liberty to do so, I never demanded he be there.. he did so of his own free will. (he also says that xmas brings ack lots of bad memories for him)so do you think he hs just lost interest, or genuinly wants time alone.. (he is a bit of a recluse anyway.. has no friends and doesn't trust people - says that everyone he was with treated him badly)... any opinions gratefully received... I should point out that I am in my early 30s and his family knew me when I was having a relationship with a woman who treated me extremely badly.... now am 200% straight. thanks for any help on this one... I had never felt so cared for.... and now feel lost and helpless.. especially as my mother died 18 months ago and xmas was the one day I actualy needed him there. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2006): Well, I think there may be a couple of things going on here.
First off, I think your boyfriend is telling you everything about the way he feels so listen to that, he needs time alone.
You on the other hand expected emotional support at Christmas and perhaps your man did not want to give that to you because he is emotionally distant from you, perhaps he thinks the two of you have different values and he has created his own reality in co-existing with you....you need to ferret this out, ask him what he thinks about the two of you, about you.
He sounds a bit emotionally unavailable because although he has been seeing you every day for 7 months, he tells you that you are not in a relationship.... and that is not a good thing by the way.
He tells you that people have treated him badly, he has trust issues...you have been a lesbian and he may have trust issues with you because of that.
I would have a talk-- tell him you need and want a commitment of an exclusive relationship with him and accept no less from him.
To spend every day together from the beginning is not always a smart move, you have allowed him to take you for granted in some way, and to build his passion, you may have to pull back alot and ask for what you want, he brought up the relationship talk when he said he dd not want one, and what did you do, you continued to be there for him every day...so now what? You are surprised he is not stepping up to the plate when you really needed him?
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