A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've recently rescued a beautiful dog. My very first dog, who I love dearly. Having a dog, I've been out socialising more at the local dog playgroup. I thought this would not only be a great way to socialise my boy, but also an ideal chance to meet new people.I'm a sensitive person by nature, I wish I wasn't. I've tried to grow a thick skin but, still, every scathing comment always feels like a knife through the heart.Since adopting my dog, I've noticed undermining and patronizing comments all the more. I've asked the locals at the dog park about their dogs and what techniques have worked for them, always keeping an open mind and never passing judgement. Just by ASKING questions, rather than these people seeing this as being proactive and inquisitive, somehow it seems they think I'm clueless and inadequate as a dog owner. I've had constant criticism about the fact my dog sleeps in a crate (granted with his own pillow and mattress) and how he should be sleeping in bed with me.. I've had scathing comments about how I cook his food, how he plays with his friends, if he jumps up (it's a natural puppy behaviour, which we're working at stopping, but no dog is perfect).The point is, it seems in this world that unless you FAKE that you know exactly what you're doing, people assume you're weak and stupid. I've had negative comments where people have actually repeated them multiple times and it feels it's just so they can make doubly sure I heard it and it could hurt me.I have been nothing but nice and complementary to these people. I know it's just a dog group and I try to avoid the place now, but the point is, why do people treat others this way? Why, as soon as they see an opportunity, do they have to cut someone down? It's a lot of LITTLE things that have all accumulated and I feel like my heart weighs a tonne. I know I need to harden up but I just don't understand why people are like this.I'd like to know if any of you struggle with people's scathing comments daily, if it offends you like this and how you deal with it? I tend to just close off to that person from then on, knowing they'll no doubt just say something horrible to hurt me again. These comments, to me ( and granted I might have a faulty perception), but they sort of tell me who the decent people are and who never to bother with. Thanks guys Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 April 2015):
 My dogs LOVED their crates. Most well trained dogs do.
Dogs are DEN animals and they will go to the crate if properly trained by choice.
Dogs are also PACK animals so sleeping with their humans is normal. There are two schools of thought on this
if the dog has no "alpha" issues and respects you as the leader of his pack then sleeping on your bed is fine. If he has aggressive issues or any other issues then ON the bed is not a good idea.
IF he's still not quite housebroken or trustworthy then in his crate or leashed to the bed on the floor is another good option...
every dog person has their own opinions. Find a good trainer and work with them. (trainers train the human to train the dog if they are good trainers) and then you can become an "expert" too.
thank you for adopting a dog.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): Thank you everyone for your brilliant advice! When that woman at the dog park commented on where my dog sleeps, I didn't even know she knew.. another member must've told her.. but she said it in the most scathing way. Her whole face screwed up & she said, "You don't still make him sleep in a CAGE do you?? He's a little BIG for that isn't he??" The sarcastic way in which she said it & described what is his BEDROOM as his CAGE unfortunately stuck in my memory & I hate that everytime I put my precious boy to bed at night (a bed that he happily runs into when I say "bedtime"), I do feel a bit guilty & wondered whether I wasn't being fair to him. See what I mean? I let these comments stick & there's just been so many.
Thank you for reassuring me I'm doing well with my boy. It was great to read your suggestions about what I can say in response to stop them in their tracks. I did actually defend myself with that one particular comment & told her that he LOVES his bed.
I cook my own food for my boy & avoid commercial dog biscuits because I believe when you look at what goes into this food, your money is better spent on real meat & veges & with the natural water content of these foods, your dog is better hydrated & healthier. That's just MY opinion of course, but EVERYONE I know uses commercial but I couldn't dare preach to them or speak down to them about it. I've always respected people do things their own way. I am just so surprised others aren't like that & if they see an open opportunity for belittling or preaching, they take it!
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 April 2015):
 You may think a dog group is a place you feel warmth and share common interests but in reality it's just people being guarded and snobby. I do struggle with this because it's not just dog group but everywhere. It happens to newcomers especially and people who are regulars feel the need to show that they are more powerful and knowledgeable. It's stupid that even in a dog group there has to be a pecking order.
A lot of pet owners are so attached that they substitute pets as people. I don't doubt that animals can love unconditionally when humans can't. It's a problem when a woman wakes up at 3am to cook fish for her cat, or another who has 6 different cat food dishes for the cat to choose from, or a man who's depressed for years after his dog died, or blames her partner for its death when she decides to send him to the hospital. I think people like that have mental problems. They are overprotective of their pets and think their ways or raising their pets is the only right way.
I don't deal with it. I do have a husband who appreciate my cats a lot, and that's enough.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): I have worked with a top dog trainer for the last 7 years and regarding the dogs, I can assure you that your park acquaintances are giving you completely the wrong advice, so that should help you to be clear about your instincts re who to listen to or not. A psychologist said to me once 'always look closely at who is doing the saying' & she was very right.
Crate training a dog is one of the best things you can do. Your dog can now settle down in his own space and if he needs to go to a boarder or vet, who will crate him he will be fine. Dogs like their own clean quiet space to relax. I have two dogs and I put them to sleep in the crates at night (they have dog bed cushions in the crate) but I leave the door open as they're well trained and they can wander into the hallway if they want.
Obviously leaving a dog crated for hours with no exercise or food or water is a different matter but it doesn't sound as though that was the case with you.
Dogs do not need to sleep in our beds - that is human choice and usually because the human wants company. Actually dogs are better off sleeping downstairs or in the hallway. As long as they know you're in the house and not that far away they'll be fine. It depends on the breed too and if they're a working dog or not - a german shepherd will happily sleep downstairs alone near the door, to guard.
Regarding the jumping that is also easy to cure. Just say 'off' and lightly move the dog off you and turn a little. After doing this a few times with most dogs it should work and when they are 'off' you can say 'good off' and given them a treat.
There are a lot of insecure people around who project their insecurities onto you to make themselves feel better. I have to say when I read the bit about someone telling you the dog should be sleeping in your bed, my mouth fell open....that should tell you all that you need to know about that person! :) Good luck with people and the dog!
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (12 April 2015):
 In future, head off unsolicited advice and opinions at the pass by being more selective of whom, when and what you ask. These days you can learn just about anything online. And when you do ask, be specific. Don't announce that you know nothing because then folks won't shut up. Ever.
The second thing you can do to help yourself not take them all to heart is to stop referring to them in the most dramatic terms. Nothing you've described here is what I would consider 'scathing' or 'horrible'. They may be somewhat condescending, repetitive and annoying, but they are just opinions.
A response you could use for unsolicited opinions and advice is a simple 'Thank you for your opinion'. If the person goes on and on you could say 'You said that.' Both should be said in a calm, confident, matter of fact tone.
If anyone points out that you did ask them (in the beginning) you could say 'I know and I've already learned a lot since then. Thank you'. Another very effective response is a stony silence. Let their comments fall flat. Chances are someone else will quickly fill any awkward pauses that follow with a change in topic.
People may be under the impression that because you don't set or enforce boundaries that you don't have them. And/or it's difficult for others to avoid crossing the line when they don't know exactly where that line is. They might think you're wishy washy and not very bright so they don't have faith in your judgment. You can change that fairly easily by being more aware of your body language and how you communicate with others. I suggest you check out 'The Dog Whisper'. You might find that show can give you more insights into both of your issues - assertiveness and dog experience.
There is nothing wrong with your dog sleeping in a crate if that's where he's comfortable and there is no rule that dogs should sleep on the bed with their guardians. This is purely personal preference and I have known a great many people who didn't allow it. OP, as you learn more you may come to realise that A LOT of dog guardians don't really know any more than you do. I've encountered very few who I can say with conviction really know what they're doing. They think they do, but they don't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): I think you got it already. People like this who hurt your feelings unintentionally or on purpose are not your circle, and you are doing the right thing to avoid them. My advice would be not give much info to people, they will sleep better at night. You will meet these people your whole life. One of my customers had a tendency to point out to me certain things that I should do solely, not my husband. I ignored her as much as I could, and then told her that its really non of her business what is happening between me and my husband. She was shocked at first, but since then she doesn't dare opening her mouth in that regard.At one point you need to stand up for yourself, unless it's ocassional people that you will only meet that one time. If someone tells you about your dog sleeping in a crate, tell them that he actually loves it very much, and if they prefer to sleep with their dog it's their choice. I am sensitive too, there is nothing wrong with that. It's important though to learn a trick or two to protect your emotional well being. You are doing the right thing trying to avoid these people. The next thing is to deprive them of information, then they won't have anything about
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 April 2015):
 When it comes to pets, no matter what kind, PEOPLE gets VERY passionate. Some MAY not mean to put you down, they just don't UNDERSTAND that you might feel differently in how to raise a dog than they do. THIS is VERY much like people and kids. Someone might criticize a mom on how she does ABC, just because she does it DIFFERENTLY. SO ALWAYS take things with a grain of salt.
ONE thing is CONSTRUCTIVE criticism which can be very useful, but then you have the other end of people putting you down to raise themselves up. The latter is just petty and sad.
YOU have to learn what is constructive criticism and what is just a plain put down. And when you figure that out, you will know how to "sort" people.
How do you deal with it? If the advice isn't helpful AT ALL, then IGNORE it. And the person who gave said advice. Nod and smile if you HAVE to be around them.
If there IS something USEFUL in the advice, take from it what you can.
I would ALSO ask a professional about training advice over "locals" in the future.
And KEEP trying to let it roll of your back.
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