A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there.I broke up with my boyfriend (of 3 years) about a month ago because he was downloading porn. He refused to meet me half way on the subject and didn't care about how i felt on the topic. To be clear, the issue is not him downloading porn, but the fact he doesn't care about how i feel (on a lot of topics). I do still love him.I've ended up with a crush on a guy at work while i've been away from him. but the guy is COMPLETELY different to me. I really like him, but its nothing on what i felt for my recent ex in the beginning. I don't think we would work out because of it and I dont think he feels the same for me anyway.I've been thinking a lot about my boyfriend and for the most part he was everything i wanted in a boyfriend. He just didn't seem to care about my feelings.I spoke to a couple of people and by the sounds of it, you cant actually find the perfect man. Relationships are never perfect, you will always have to compromise on something in your partner. So i'm wondering if i should just compromise on the lack of sensitivity and stuff. Is that right?If i want to make a good go of it with my ex (which he still wants, but isn't apologising about how he acts), i will need to get rid of any feelings i have for the guy at work. How do i do that? I see him everyday. I sit right next to him everyday and i need to talk to him all the time as part of my job. I think if i tell him how i feel and evidently be rejected, then i can get over it easily, but i dont want to embaress myself and i dont want things to be wierd at work. I think i cant quite just forget about the guy because i don't have a pure certain it wont work and hes not interested. What do i do? just keep telling myself that everyday until i completely believe it and get over it?Major questions then:Do you always need to compromise on something in your guy you don't like? Do you just need to pick someone who's most of what you want and just accept the bits you don't like?How can i get over the guy at work?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): Some issues, there should be a compromise and on other issues, absolutely no compromise. If a guy is doing something hurtful to your psyche, then no compromise is warranted on your part. Hurting your psyche over and over will chip away at you and it will chip away at your love for him. Wounds to your psyche are actually worse than wounds to your physical body. So, if a guy put a lit match to your skin, would you compromise and say "First blow out the flame then put the hot match to my skin?" Of course not! The match would still burn, and scar your skin. Treat your psyche well. You're worth it! Compromise means you'll go to the baseball game with him, when you would have rather gone to the volleyball game. Then next time he compromises and goes to the volleyball game with. You get the idea, I hope.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): Your BF should of compromised. Porn can be very bad and if he's insensitive to you, then you have a valid reason for leaving as I understand that can be a big issue.
If you wanted to compromise, perhaps suggest watching it together. Ive heard some can be good and too much can lead to an unhealthy sex life. So, moderation may be good if thats ever your case. Just my opinion tho.
Also, why did he download it? was he unhappy with your sex life and needed some fantasy? If youre open, thats another door, find out what he likes and compromise on those and see what youd be willing to do and what not. I did that with my religious ex gf and worked out well. LOL then again im not a hard guy to please. Hope this helps ;)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 October 2010):
 If my boyfriend gets hurt that I watched porn (and that's a very unlikly if), I would stop watching it. His feelings are more important than my quick release. Your reasons for leaving your boyfriend is valid. His insensitivity to the porn issue can spread over other issues in the relationship. You can accept the imperfections in your partner provided that he respects the boundary. He shouldn't have to feel like he has to make a total lifestyle change to accomodate you. Two partners become one single unit so one's actions affect the other one. You need someone who's more of a team player. It has nothing to do with being controlling. Talking about this new guy, you have to first get over your break up.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (12 October 2010):
 It sounds like things just weren't good with your ex. While it's pretty much impossible to find someone you're PERFECT with, you shouldn't feel like you have to shelve your feelings or "put up" with anything that you really don't like. Someone who you're really compatible with will make you feel good about yourself, and you will feel secure in the relationship. If you're truly ideal you won't have any dealbreakers (like ignoring your feelings and being pigheaded) and you will be able to trust him. You can be opposites and still be compatible. It's not about interests, it's about chemistry, love, and compassion. An ideal guy will care about your feelings and listen, and it doesn't sound like your ex did. Remind yourself why you broke up in the first place. If you're not happy in a relationship, then that relationship isn't right. If you've broken up several times, or even once for a real reason, then you're not compatible. You shouldn't get over someone you like to go back with an ex who sounds quite frankly, immature, stubborn, and selfish. Go for the new guy and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 While people in a relationship dont always have to agree with each other, they do need to recognise the other's point of view as being as equally valid as their own.
I know a couple who have been married for over 50 years (I think 53), politically he leans very much to the left, she to the right, he is agnostic she from one of the more obscure christian religions, but they are still together after all this time.
It seems to me your ex boyfriend didnt even care that you had an opinion, let alone what that opinion was. If you take him back without setting some ground rules and without him recognising that his behavious has been hurtful the relationship wont work, he will continue his merry way ignoring your feelings, and you will just supress yourself more and more until there is nothing of "you" left.
Dont put your heart on your sleeve with the guy at work, just let anything that is going to develop progress naturally, if you start by telling him how easiliy you feel rejected you might scare him off. Be positive, friendly and let it go from there
good luck!!
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