A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So about 2 years ago i became the roommate of a now 29 year old woman who is beautiful by all accounts. Men are constantly flocking to her. She is charming too, very magnetic personality. Except she has never had a real boyfriend. Why? She prefers casual relationships and sugar daddy arrangements. She feels a boyfriend would hamper her independence and she does not want to invest emotional energy into anything but her career right now.She is very ambitious, in finance.Women are jealous of her, and men who seek a relationship are frustrated by her. But she says this works for her and she seems to glide through life, collecting gifts and vacations from wealthy men who want a fling but no commitments, just like her.Except, there is a downside. She has terrible depression and mood swings. She falls into long crying jags where nothing can console her. She has taken anti-depressants and they have helped a bit, but have not eliminated it. I wonder what she has to be depressed about, when she is the envy of so many. To me, one possibility is that her lifestyle deprives her of the one thing that sustains most of us: intimacy.Now I dont wanna be a pop psychologist, but I wonder if there is truth to this. Can a lifestyle like hers ultimately be dangerous to her mental health?Thank you for your thoughts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): Probably, but don't try to be her psychoanalyst. You can never change other people, only yourself. If you are frustrated that you can't get her you won't be the only one.
If you want to be just a friend to her, you could suggest she gets some counselling.
By the way, depression is much more complex than you might think. She could appear to have everything but be very unhappy.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 Does she have mental illness in her family? To me, she sounds (and this is just a guess) like a manic/depressive personality.
Highs and lows. Ups and downs.
If she has any kind of mental illness in her family that might be why she prefer this lifestyle where she lets no one too close.
But it could as easily be because THAT lifestyle works for her.
I would try not to analyze or judge her, let her be in charge of HER life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): "To me, one possibility is that her lifestyle deprives her of the one thing that sustains most of us: intimacy."
I think it may be the other way around OP. I think her depression and lack of mental control may in fact lead her to believe she's incapable of finding that kind of relationship and guys will run away once they figure out who the "real" her is. Plus OP the idea intimacy sustains most of us is kind of an antiquated view, like somehow a woman needs a good man or she'll become a depressed spinster. Many people live long fulfilling lives without having long term relationships. Just because she's depressed, try not to make that into her needing a man to settle down with.
"I wonder what she has to be depressed about, when she is the envy of so many."
OP that's just a superficial view, you kind of know the real woman deep down doesn't have very much to envious of. Love, money and all those things don't make people aren't happy, happy. Perhaps she dismisses guys so easily and lives the way she does because she has built a massive emotional barrier to getting too close or in love with a guy.
The only person who can tell you whether he lifestyle contributes or is a result of her depression is a shrink.
Try not to fall so easily into the idea that people need a romantic, deep love to feel complete. That's quite simply not the case.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 Having a depression is a mental health problem. Not necessarily (and rarely) a result of a depressive life situation. Her depression might very well be the reason she does not seek long term relationships. I doubt her depression is caused by her lack of long term relationships.
She seeks casual relationships because that is what she wants. She is not doing it against her will.
You can look at many depressed people (with a clinical depression that is, not just the ones who complain about being depressed for the odd day) and ask yourself what they have to be depressed about. Most of the time they do not have anything in particular to BE depressed about. But that's just the thing. A mental illness isn't caused from something so specific. A mental illness isn't a mood you are in, or a feeling you have. It is an illness. Asking a person with depression "what do you have to be depressed about" is confusing the diagnosis "depression" with the feeling "I am feeling depressed today". They are not the same.
Her life style is not dangerous to mental health. There are life styles that ARE dangerous to mental health IF you are a person who is predisposed to a mental illness. But not having long term relationships is not a life style that is dangerous in any way. More likely it is a symptom of her depression if anything. But it is also a free choice.
Anti-social behaviour can in many cases worsen the condition of a mentally ill person. Such as isolating themselves, going unemployed for long periods of time, excessive gaming or consumption in anti-social activities. But this girl, I assume a friend of yours, is working, being social it looks like, and manages contact with other people and finds things that give her life joy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): Deep down I think she lacks intimacy and wants to settle down but I don't think she's found her match yet so she ends up being frustrated herself and gets into cyclones of mood swings and depression... She'll feel a lot better once she comes to terms with her fear of intimacy and commit to the right partner in a healthy fullfilling relationship. That's just me humble opinion :)
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (18 April 2012):
 I would venture a guess that it's the depression that makes her not want an intimate relationship. It kinda sounds like she's searching for something to help take away her bad feelings and is looking for it in the wrong places.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): I suffer from depression myself, and I can tell you now, that it is not because she has casual flings, It is a disease, caused by chemical imbalance, that is why it is called a mental illness. I am not trying to be harsh, just simply explaining what it is. It is an overwhelming feeling of not being worthy, of not being able to cope with life. The fact is it is a disease just like any other, you may not be able to see what reason she would have to be depressed about, but the fact is that she suffers from depression due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, basically the brain produces more of one chemical than of another, which affects mood and thoughts. I suggest if you wish to learn more about depression, look at some websites like beyondblue, which is a great resource. It will give you great information from professionals, which is better than the information you can get from here. It is not that they are being irrational, or that they simply are sad, it is a disease.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 The key lies in what happened in her life that caused her to not want intimacy and love. Some people actively choose this lifestyle and they are doing fine because relationships are not for them. Your friend's depression can be independent of what lifestyle she chooses. It's possible that she chooses casual relationships because serious relationships can cause more problems to her mental health. Intimacy means risking and being vulnerable and relationships have ups and downs. When a person is depressed, she is irrational. Intellectually she knows that everything in her life is okay but her brain pathways get messed up, and this is not caused by having casual sex. Unless she is also alcoholic and taking drugs. Anti depressants will take up to a year to work so hopefully she will stop crying soon. It gets rid of the symptoms although they do not tackle the real source. I wonder if she talks to a therapist also. I have known girls who have sugar daddies. They look plastic and superficial to me, but not depressed.
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