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Do I worry about her or continue to trust my boyfriend?

Tagged as: Friends, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 April 2010) 9 Answers - (Newest, 29 April 2010)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Dear readers

I am in a new realtionship with a Man for 4 months now. He have a female friend whom he's very closed to and so does she to him. It makes me quite uncomfortable-- especially that i can see how excited and proud he is of her-- I noticed that they really like each other so much. it makes me suspicious if they have a past together but he said shes nothing but a friend-- he's not physically attracted to her; they'd been friends for 7 yrs and nothing romantic ever happened between them and never will. But One time my boyfriend forget to sign out from his email; I was able to read one letter that he had created to her, just 2 wks after-- and I didnt liked what i had read: it says: "I WOULD LIKE TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I AM THINKING OF YOU EVENTHOUGH IAM DATING AGAIN.. HAHA! YOU'RE SUCH A WONDERFUL FRIEND and I FEEL SO FORTUNATE TO HAVE YOU AS A FRIEND. I HOPE WE COULD CATCH UP NEXT TIME AND HAVE A GLASS OF WINE..." This really bOthers me.. is possible that my boyfriend like her more than friends? But she just sees him a best friend? Becasue in her response she is not responding positively to his email-- she just thanked him and express that they'll be best friends for life.. please help-- He seems very sincere and serious with me-- even planning our future together-- do i have to worry about her or just continue to trust my boyfriend

Thank you!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010):

This is a tough one. I do not know him , my guess is he is putting this trip off with you as he is not sure what his future holds with you. He says he is thinking of moving there and if you are together he might take you. I think I would text him back but I would not be telling him how muc you love him as he sounds like he was rude when you asked him why he has not been calling. It takes two seconds to say I am really busy but I will call you tonight. He is not the President of the US afterall. I do not like that he disrected you for asking a simple question. He is making you feel insecure I think. I would keep one eye on him and also start doing more with your friends so you are not crushed if it does not work out. Maybe take a break from asking him questions as he sounds agitated. He has the upper hand now but that can change. Please keep me posted. Sorry you are going through this it is stressful and I understand. As everyone on this site has told me you deserve someone that will make you feel wonderful . If he makes you feel to insecure for too long that is a red flag

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi thanks for the response. I really appreciate it. He said to wait till sept to go to vegas because thats when I get off from school. He said before that we will travel this may but I told him I cant because I might work and study full time; but my full time job didnt happened and now I am back to my usual school schedule w/c will definetely allow me ot travel with him to vegas this week. When I told him I was hoping he'd said that we can go ahead w/our previous plan of him taking me to vegas with him; but he never did. So i was frustrated that it seems that he's ont interested to take me to vegas this may anymore. But instead on sept. HE SAID we will look for a house there. because he seems to be thinking of moving up there. Although he reassure me that if we're still together he will take me with him.

Last night I asked him why he hasnt call me the way he used to and he get so mad at me; accusing me of not understanding that he's very busy with work lately and cannot really call me when he's in a meeting. I dont like his attitude and I try to calm him down. I thought everything is fine because i told him I love him and he said the same thing to me and yet this morning when he text me-- its seems very COLD. nO mentioning of the word "I LOVE YOU" or "HONEY"..then I know that everythings fine.. he just said "Good morning. Im on my way to work. hope you hv a great day." iT feels like a red flag for me for some reason... so i didnt text him back. Its been 6 hrs and I havent heard from him yet. I am worried.. I feel like it is over.. that he is trying to tell me that he's not interested anymore. Should i text him back? is there anything from that text message that suggests otherwise that he's not interested and he is sending the message by giving me a mixed signal? pleas help? I love this man and I want us to work out... thank you

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010):

Can you come right out and ask him why he wants to wait till September for the Vegas trip? Also, as relationships progress and people get more comfortable they may not call as much. I would back off a little from calling him to. I think communication here is the best thing. Keep busy with your life and stay postive. I would not worry about the other girl till you have reason to believe. If he goes to Vegas plan a weekend trip away with your friends so you are not sitting home wondering what he is doing.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

hi timm.. thanks for the response.. I talked to him about how I feel and I got a positive reponse. So i was happy about it. but the only thing is he seems to be very busy latley with work.. he fly to vegas regularly for some projects and he's supposed to take me their on his next visit but now its not happening anymore although he has plans for us to travel back their after i finish school on sept. But I wonder why it has to be on sept. Why not now when he knows that my schedule will allow me to do travel. He also doesnt call much like before. If I didnt call him I would never hear from him the whole day except for some text message in the morning. He used to call me at least 2-3 times in a day.. wherever he is and that gives me sense of security. But not lately..He only text me morning and then call me at nighttime. Is he losing interest? He made plans fot he future like travelling together so i dont want to think that he is.. but sometines it scares that he maybe dating other woman, while tryng to have on the side.. I dont please help.. How do you know if he is still interested or not.. thank you so much

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A male reader, TimmD United States +, writes (26 April 2010):

TimmD agony auntI wouldn't just end it. You have every reason to be upset given the situation with this other girl. I would talk to him... about everything. Let him know just how hurt you are and that you are seriously questioning your relationship. His reaction should dictate your next move....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you to everyone who posted their answers and advices on my question. I appreciate it all. I am not really comfortable with his friendship with this woman. I totally feel that he is paying more attention to her than me.. and it makes me feel sad when we went to her house and he never sat beside me but instead indeed up sitting next to her-- because she sat beside him Then I could sense my boyfriends body language really focus on him instead of me.. I feel left out and later I told him about it and apologized to me. He kept saying that theres nothing between them but his closeness and body language and the way he is with her tells a different story. Should I trust him and just be cool about it or should I end it? I dont feel happy with him anymore. He doesnt seem affectionate or excited with me; he doesnt even say I love you anymore the way he used to. Sometimes i WOULD SAY IT FIRST AND LATELY before he did. he would on text but not in person anymore. He said he's just busy with work and everythings fine with us. And he would say "of course I love you" if ever I aske him if he loves me.. I am confused.. I dont want to lose him but I dont have peace of mind in this relationship-- there are things that concerns me and he said I should just relax and not overthink everything.

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A female reader, sick and tired United States +, writes (22 April 2010):

I would truSt him.. There are so many things in life we cannot control. Sounds like she is not interested. The longer you are together the more in lovE with you he will be. I have a male friend like that and did not feel attracted to him. Sounds like you do not need to worry

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (22 April 2010):

janniepeg agony auntNotice he said "even though I am dating". That's very important if he didn't say that the message would have a totally different meaning. Yes, trust him on that. They don't have chemistry but he doesn't want to lose a friend. It's very refreshing to know a guy who can be friends with a girl, be honest to them and not take advantage of them sexually. My boyfriend is also like that. He used to date a woman 2 years older than him but didn't go beyond the friendship level because he's simply not attracted to her. I asked him if other men would find her attractive he said yes. She took it but was okay with being friends. So I guess it is just individual taste.

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A male reader, TimmD United States +, writes (22 April 2010):

TimmD agony auntI would look at your relationship with him minus her first - how he treats you, how much affection he shows you. You're in the early stages of a relationship and those months are usually the most romantic and lustful. Is he lacking anything when it comes to paying attention to you?

If not, then I say trust him. There are more and more relationships out there between the opposite sex that aren't romantic and can stay that way. Trust him until he really gives you a reason not to.

Now, you have to consider that you may not be the type of person who can live with your partner having a very close non romantic friend of the opposite sex. Some women just can't deal with that, just like some men can't deal with their female partners having a male friend.

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