A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, When your partner has made you feel so insecure by having flirty/sexy and emotionally close relationships with other women which he thinks are 'just a game' and you are distraught when you find out, how do you ever trust him again?? Is it normal to then question him every time he is a bit late home or when his phone receives a text? Is it foolish to believe him when he says and shows how much he loves you and says that you are blowing everything out of proportion and you've always been the love of his life? Is it stupid to dwell on something that's come to nothing rather than living for today's happiness when life's so short and would be perfect with the love of your life of nearly 40 years but for the negative thoughts of those other women? Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): Female anon,
I caught him out by texts he hadn't deleted. One from her mentioned love and his were about her making him feel randy but also caring about her. One of hers also said she felt guilty leading him on as they'd done 'nothing yet' so unless anything happened after that I'm pretty sure they never had sex. However, I now know they phoned on a daily basis as well as texting and sometimes met in the park at lunch.
He says he's been a 'foolish old man' (nearly 60).
I know he has been 'very friendly' with other female colleagues in the past (my friends at work all say they love talking to him because he is so good at relating to women) but never suspected anything untoward until this episode and due to modern technology it is very easy for friendships to turn into more, especially the secret intimacy of texting something you may not dare say face to face.
I mean, my husband and I have started texting very rude things to each other as part of our revitalised relationship (yes the thought of another woman finding your man fanciable doesn't half make you want him more) but he wouldn't say stuff like that to my face.
This one I know about lasted a few months and I will never know what he got in return except emotional flattery and an ego boost. He swears it was only a game and our marriage was never in danger and I actually believe that.
How though can I ever learn to trust again even though I love him??
Thanks for your concern x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): obviously this man has crossed boundaries with these other women therefore you are so distraught. how long has he with flirting/emailing/ smsing these women. what has he invested in them? what did he get in return. what did they mean to him/ what did he get from them and not from you. if he is just expecting you to forget all his indescretions it means that he doesn't respect you or your marriage. "game" or not, it means that he invested in these relationships. did he become emotionally attached to these women. is he an adulterous flirt or just an old fool? i think the former is more the answer. how sure are you that it was only mere flirting or did these women mean more to him. it is very easy to say that you are over reacting but obviously something is amiss therefore you are going through hell right now. did you catch him out in any lies, did he try to cover up anything, did he deliberately try to make it seem like you are over reacting, shifting blame. by making you insecure and doubting yourself , i wonder why?/ if everything was just innocent. if he crossed boundaries then becareful, he is not telling the truth. ultimately, you know him best. how did you catch him out. was it a mere flirting or an emotional affair.
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A
male
reader, Daveeeeeee  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 Please no offence , but you sound scarey!
Your reaction is way toooooo over the top and you are simply showing your own insecurity . Get yourself some outside intersts ...
But please , dont put this man down just because he has some " friendships " with other women . I think you really need to get out more a Ridiculous over reaction!
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A
female
reader, veronika +, writes (12 February 2010):
 1. Yes, it is normal to question text messages - especially ones they're secretive about - and question when they're late home.
2. It may be foolish, it depends on how sincere he's being. If you've had to put up with his behaviour for years and years, he may just be placating you and trying to put on a front. But for him to be truly sincere and remorseful about his hurtful behaviour, he needs to stop it immediately. If he doesn't stop his behaviour then it may just be foolish to believe him.
3. I wouldn't say it's stupid to dwell on it because it's a part of your relationship that needs fixing. He doesn't need to flirt with other women. He may want to, but he doesn't need to - and if he deeply cares for you then he should stop this behaviour because it gets you down.
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