| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I know this will sound a little pathetic considering my age, but here it goes. Last year I went to a sort of convention, and I met a nice guy. He was kind of cute, but I knew I'd only see him on those two days or so, and I didn't think anything of it, despite the fact that he was very friendly, looked at me a lot and smiled, etc. Then we added each other on Facebook. Since he lives far away, it was about liking each others updates from time to time, or pictures, talking once in a blue moon...But then just before the New Year we started chatting, practically everyday. And we had more in common than I thought, we got along great. And it was clear we liked each other, especially that he liked me. He invited me to go visit him. I told him I'd think about it. I really wanted to say yes... but life circumstances get in the way, and well, fear, mostly. I know it wasn't meant to be something serious, not from my end and not from his, we just got along great and liked each other and we wanted to get the "what if" out of the way, just share a few days and have fun. But in me, fear kicked in, so many insecurities... that I felt pathetic telling him about, so I made up excuses about family and work.Ok, so family is not so much of a made up excuse, since I still live with my parents and while they understand I'm an adult, they generally ask so many questions about trips, especially if I don't have a "valid" reason... and I recently broke up with my ex, so I'm sure they would make comments and probably tell me not to go, as they would find it "strange" that I'd just go visit a friend they don't even know exists (they're a bit old fashioned).But mostly it was my fear, and I don't know why! Actually, I do know why... in part it's because I don't have much experience with men, I was with my ex for 6 years, but before that I didn't even date, no one ever liked me, I was the loser, ugly girl. I know it's been many years since that, but I still feel like that.Also, I hadn't liked anyone since, well, my ex. And this situation came out of nowhere, just from casual Facebook chatting. And it scares me to feel this vulnerable and uncertain. And well, I feel so ugly, I have many flaws that aren't obvious on Facebook photos, some are not obviously noticeable in real life, but they nonetheless affect my self esteem (hair loss being the worst!). I just feel like maybe I'd be a disappointment, especially since he has so many gorgeous friends on Facebook.So I told him I wouldn't go, and of course this disappointed him and told me that for now, he thinks it's better we don't talk. He said he was a bit upset that I'd let work and family get in the way of a good thing... I tried telling him about what scared me, but he tried to reassure me I had nothing to be scared of, but he's not me so of course he doesn't quite understand my fear of the unknown.I also told him that usually I don't opt for what makes me truly happy just out of fear... I know it sounds like BS, but it's true... he didn't believe me, though. But it's true... I'm so scared of living, it seems, that I never take the plunge, and that's why my life right now is all about my work and family... and I don't know how to change that.There's another convention coming up, but it's in november, so a long way from now. He will have probably lost interest by then. I just really liked him, because where I live, in a small town where I practically know everyone, I've never met someone I click with so much (well aside from my ex, but he's an ex for a reason). I need to get over him. But how?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): do you really need to give up on the idea of him completely? why can't you tell him you'd just like to relax and text, fb chat, and talk on the phone a bit longer to get to know him a bit better first before meeting? you would think he would understand that. and if he doesn't, then he's certainly not the guy you need to be with anyway. there should be no rush to meet. wait until you feel comfortable.do you feel like you'll never feel comfortable stepping outside of your comfort zone and meeting this man, no matter how long you spend getting to know each other? If that's the case, maybe you need a little time to be single and work on your self esteem. having healthy relationships are nearly impossible when you aren't happy with yourself. sounds cliche, but it's very true. you'll never be happy with someone else until you can be happy with yourself. good luck!
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