A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a married man of 11 years with two children under 9 years. My wife and I are on the verge of a divorce and are waiting until after the holidays and figuring out the logistics of the house, finaces and child care. Nine months ago I met a younger married woman and since then we have been having an affair. We talk, text, email almost every single day. We see each other once or twice a month sometimes 2-4 days at a time. The emotional, mental and physical realtionship we have is amazing. We are like bestfriends and lean on each other for daily life issues. While my marriage is over her marriage is just starting the process of needing to change things drastically or it is over forever. She has been married for 4 years and has no children so while there is not as much to worry about it is still a very hard decision and she is taking things day by day. There is no doubt that we love each other but we obviously know there are many obstacles. 1) we are married 2) I have two children and she has none (and I have had a vasectomy) 3) I am 12 years older than her 4) we live an hour and a half away from each other. All of these issues have been discussed and other than her marriage we have come up with mutual options. The problem is we really love each other and are so much alike, her counselor has actually mentioned the words "Soul Mate". We have told each other numerous times that we'd leave each other alone so we could make clear decisive decisions in our own personal lives and if it is meant to be then it will happen. The problem is we can't stop talking we always migrate back to each other. I can honestly say she is my bestfriend and cant imagine nothaving her in my life somehow even if it is just as friends. Do I leave her? Do I fight for her? Am I just lonely and find our relationship comforting? I don't want to mess her life up but I want to be happy also.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): This 'relationship' is based on fantasy. Let's say you both divorce, and marry each other. Now you're put into reality, life issues/problems. When times get tough, will you or her look to someone else again to get you through the day? Also, how will you be able to trust her? Actually your wife will be the getting a Real 2nd chance at love..I hope you can deal with that when it's Reality.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): HAPPINESS...thats the key issue isnt it? We ALL want & deserve to be happy. If thats what we want, then we need to rid ourselves of toxic energy-sapping relationships & be with the person that makes us happy. How many lifetimes does one have to live?
Sounds easy....VERY difficult to do, which is why most of us gravitate to the same old same old saying we forgive our spouses & hiding behind various excuses - financial, kids, division of assets, whatever. Having done that, are we then happy or playing the proverbial sacrificial lamb for the greater cause...family ...when in truth children sense our unhappiness & stilted parental relationships & in turn use that as a life reference when they're older. How @#$ked up is that?
Based on the above & using your situation cross-referenced to mine may provide further insight from a different point of view. Am currently begging my husband to dissolve the joint marital estate & go be with his mistress who makes him happy so he tells me. If he will just stuff off, this will give me the freedom to find out who it is I really am so that I can make a fresh start with someone more suited to me. I too want to be happy & dont want to be the victim of spousal dependency syndrome. My children deserve much better.
Trust this viewpoint helps you see things from a different perspective.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): Hi,
My husband had an affair - so I am naturally pretty biased against cheating - however, I'm not judging you I just wanted to write a couple of things - t give you something to think about perhaps?
When I discoverd the affair my husband was very open about what had gone on, his thoughts etc. One of the things he said at the time was that he kept it very seperate - in his mind his decision making around whether to stay in our marriage was independent of 'her'. He says he never saw it as staying with me VS being with her, it was just would he stay with me or not?
The thing is - I DO NOT agree with that seperateness stuff one bit. For me - I knew something was very very wrong the whole time the affair was going on, he was a different man - so even though he thought when he was with me, he was with me and vice versa with 'her' - it wasn't the case. He left me when he started that affair. Nothing I could do or say made any difference while 'she' was in the picture. My point is - you cannot know what you are really feeling for either of the women in your life while the other is still in it!
Does that make sense?
You say your marriage is 'over' - but you haven't finalised it and done the decent thing by your wife (divorce) before giving your time and emotional self to someone else. Is it any wonder life at home with your wife is not going well - for 9 months at least you have not been present...you have left you wife and kids and persued your own selfish stuff.
I'm not meaning to beat you up - you must be in a lot of pain to get to the point where you would do this - ie: throw away your ethics and principals and cheat AND be the 'other man' - but what you would do well to recognise is that unless you examine why you got to that point - where you would give up on everything (including yourself)and become a cheater - you will not be able to have a healthy relationship with ANY woman. The issues will not just evaporate - they will resurface in one way or another in any new r'ship. So, some therapy for YOU would be a good idea my friend. You ARE lonely, and YES the affair is comforting....but this is just a really POOR coping strategy you have chosen to deal with marital conflict.
Your mistress is in the same boat....sounds like she just started to feel bored or neglected or whatever in her marriage, and there you were - Mr "Gee you're fantastic I think you're my soul mate"! Any woman feeling a bit blue would be flattered to bits to feel wanted and beautiful and loved....and she has met that need in you too - you can tell each other how wonderful the other is, have great "start of a relationship sex" and none of those crappy 'responsibilities and issues' that exist within your marraiges. Sounds great - but it doesn't mean the other stuff goes away does it?
Does your mistress really want to leave her marriage? How can she know that when her time with him (hubby) is always underpinned by you and the afair - the guilt, selfishness and deceit, it would all be effecting how she is relating to him - and she would not be able to make clear decisions about you or him! I put money on it that BOTH your spouses are finding you guys distant, different etc - and they would BOTH be hurting because of it.
I think you deserve happiness - as do your respective spouses,and the girlfriend, but in my opinion NOTHING positive can come from the situation you guys are in, it's an affair - plain and simple, you should read the extensive posts on here about affairs and I'm sure yours and your feelings would compare!. You really should think about seperating - either from each other or from your spouses - or even both...to try to figure out what it is you both actually do want!
I hope this helps in some way. You owe it to yourself, your kids and your wife to get your head clear - and you can't do that while carrying on an affair. If you get clarity and end up still leaving your wife - you still won't be clear if the girlfriend is still with her husband....
you and your g'friend BOTH need to work out what's happening for yourselves before trying to commit to each other.
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