A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: This is somewhat of a story, so anyone that bears through it, thanks for feedback. I have my insecurities about one of my boyfriend's exes. I am fine with all his others and any other girl/friends he may have except this one in particular. It is because after he broke up with her, we started dated shortly afterwards. I had broken up with my current boyfriend at the time and had moved in with my wonderful man that I have now. ( I left a very bad relationship behind). But only after a few weeks his ex came right back into the picture. Next thing I know he was telling me we were moving too fast, he didnt know how he felt for her and had to figure himself out. After an agonizing two months, he came back around to me, all the while we were still living together. Every now and then I was "banished" or how he puts it....asked to stay the night at my mother's house. When she finally told him that she only wanted to be with him if they could keep it a secret, he knew where his feelings were. Unfortunately, the damage had been done and I dont know if I will ever feel secure when she randomly calls or bumps into him. She made him put me through Hell and yet he can't understand why I freak out when he talks to her from time to time. How much it hurt to wonder what they were doing when I wasnt around, did they fool around, how much did they do together, etc. The whole thing started with her just wanting to be friends and spend time together,so naturally I feel insecure if he talks to her. It's not often that he does but I still feel a little betrayed when he does. He knows how much it upsets me but he thinks I have no right or reason to feel so. He thinks and tells me that I am overreacting. But I would never put him in the same situation. I accept that we will always talk about our exes, especially if we spent a good deal of time with them, but while he dated her for 9 months, I dated my ex for 4 years. Yet, I would not talk to someone that made my boyfriend that uncomfortable nor would I ever expect him to accept me hanging out or talking to my ex if I had put him through the same situation. I am just very confused as to why he feels it is ok for him to do this or tell me I am being silly. She called the other day to ask him some random question, but I have this unnerving feeling that if he isnt chatting with her online or talking on the phone with her, that he might be getting ready to do so again. He has always been honest with me about everything before but if he feels it is harmless, I doubt he would tell me this time around because he knows I would freak out even more so. I am not a snooping type of person and will not check his phone or other things which we share,like his computer. But I have this sinking feeling in my gut that he is not telling me everything because he knows what my reaction is. I have insecurities about this, I admit them, but do I have a right to?Please help!Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): I think your only option at this point is to start closing yourself off emotionally to protect yourself. Tell him that you can't feel safe with the relationship he has with his ex. Don't tell him he can't talk to her or anything like that, just tell him how you feel because of it. Let him decide what to do. If he cares for you,he will adjust his actions to make you feel better. If he doesn't care, he won't change a thing, and that means it's time for you to get the hell out of that relationship and find someone worthy of your love.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): Yes, you have every right to be upset and insecure about this. I cannot believe that he made YOU leave YOUR OWN HOUSE so he could be with this ex. That is so ridiculous on so many levels. For him to even think that this is acceptable behavior is frightening.
If he is going to be so insensitive about this and not care how this is making you feel, you need to kick him to the curb. In this whole process you are disrespecting yourself and selling yourself short. If he is this dense about this issue, imagine other issues that will come up in your lives together!
You should not stand for this!
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