A
female
age
41-50,
*ostinitaly
writes:I am very unhappy with my boyfriend of 4.5 years, but I want so much to be happy with him once more. He's a good person, he treats me very well, but he's had health problems for more than two years that have taken a grave toll on our relationship. His sex drive is close to zero, energy level close to zero, he forgets everything, is unmotivated, still at university, struggling, no job. I've been trying to hang in there for his recovery, but it's been a year since he's been off chemotherapy and many things-the sex, his memory and energy-haven't improved...(the therapy didn't work by the way, so he's going to have to repeat the yearlong treatment at some point in the future. It's for Hep C, in case you're curious or know anything about it)Through it all I've loved him no less and was sure I wanted to spend my life with him. But all this stress, this constant hardship....lack of sex...we've both ended up pretty depressed! I'm a 33 year old American far from home--this has been extra difficult without a good support group. He's more than aware I'm unhappy, we've talked about it a lot and tried to work on it for so long now, with little victories, but still I'm losing hope that the magic will return. I'm sad to say I get angry and frustrated more and more often and lose my patience with his forgetfulness and lack of motivation. I try hard to remember it's not his fault, but after two years I feel like he could try harder to improve his situation-either exercise, anti-depressants, at least writing 'do not forget' notes....Three months ago I started an affair. He pursued me, I gave in. To sum it up, he's now pressuring me to decide between him and my bf. And I know it's only fair I do, or at the very least choose to change this situation. There's a lot of guilt here-not so much about the affair, I'm sad to say-but about leaving someone in my bf's position. I'm not exactly head over heels with my lover, but if I were single I would definitely like to date him and see where things go.Help me--am I beating a dead horse and ignoring all the signs? And do I let myself be pressured into making a decision I'm not sure if I'm ready to make? Do I say goodbye to the lover and try some more with my bf? And what about the sex part? It's been a long time I've gone with not much, and when we do, I don't feel the same passion. Does it ever come back?Thank you very much! I don't have many people to talk to about this...
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affair, depressed, sex drive, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Alone88  +, writes (22 March 2009):
 This 's the time to show him that you love him. Be beside and it shouldn't be matter if you start off a new affair with new boy friend. But don't leave him solo.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): Yea get rid of that idiot who wanna tell you you should not be there for a poor guy. Does he have a heart? I wont blame you if you have an affair. We are all human with needs and stuff. You need to keep yourself sane and strong to be there for your boyfriend. But try to be there for him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): The morally appropriate thing to do is to say goodbye to your lover, and try to support your boyfriend. When we love someone, we want to be there for them in good times and bad. I am sorry for your situation, I know it can't be easy. But How would you feel if the tables were turned and he ran out on you while you were ill? He needs you now, more so than when he was healthy. It is difficult for both of you. But if you abandon him now, you will have guilt eating away at you always. It could even effect future relationships! No one can tell you what you should do. It is your decision. Hopefully someone on this site will know something about the illness and give you some encouraging advice. All I can do is wish you luck in sorting it all out!
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