A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,At Christmas my boyfriend starting telling me he loved me all of the time. I asked him why he was saying it so much, he told me it was because up until then, he didn't honestly love me, but then he realised how much he does love me. We had been together about 5 months at this point and been dating for about 6 months before that! Now this hurt a little as I'd decided i loved him way before this but then I could see he was being honest and took that as a good thing.A month ago I checked my boyfriends Facebook Inbox (long story but reasons were legitimate) and there were messages and conversations on there that my boyfriend had been having with about 5 different women. One was July (a week before we got together officially) and the rest were November, when we had been together about 4 months.The messages in November were started by him, giving girls his number and telling them to text him and wink emoticons, and being suggestive and saying "shall I come over?" and "we should meet up sometime". There was another one of a girl pointing out to him that he had a girlfriend and him replying that we weren't speaking and that said a lot to him! (I cant ever remember a time when we weren't speaking!!)the message in July, a week before we got together, was him telling a girl he was single and that he hadn't met the right girl, when we'd been dating for ages before this.I confronted him immediately when I saw the messages. We had a long talk and agreed we'd sort this out. He said he didn't realise how much he loved me at that point, and we'd argued that night in November, he swore he never met up with these girls and it was a silly confidence boost to talk to them. he has never cheated on me... so he says.I have days when I feel like it was before and its happy and I love him like I did, but other days, like today, I feel sick to my stomach. It's as if he was on a pedestal and I trusted him, and now I have no idea who he is and there's sides to him I don't see. My trust and confidence has been badly knocked and I don't know what to do next. Previously, I've had weird men asking me out and being suggestive with me when I knew they had girlfriends but I had the decency to tell them to leave me alone. I see people out there every day who are willing to cheat on their partners and I just have no idea what to think any more.Do I stick it out with him?Do I give up and walk away?i want it to go back to the way it was before but I know this can't happen, I have to forgive and forget, but how long will this take me? i feel the need to check up on him and I dont think thats normal or healthy, but I have no idea how else I can prove to myself that I'm doing the right thing.My best friends say to let it go, it was just messages, but for some reason I just cant let it go.We don't argue, he loves my family and make so much effort with them, and they adore him, my dad has told me how perfect my boyfriend is for me (he's never approved of a boyfriend before!), we discuss our future, and up until now there was no doubt in my mind that he is the one for me. I cant even explain how perfect he is for me in every other way. Now I just dont know. Can it go back the way it was??? How long will it take for this sick feeling to go away? and how the hell do I know when I can trust him again?? I mean, if he was willing to do that, then what else is he willing to do behind me back and that I dont know about??!Please give some advice.... any advice!!! Honesty is best, even if you're telling me to get a grip! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Anonym,
I agree yes, that's pretty much what happened and he knows fully well he was lucky I'm letting this go, this time. I text him last night reminding him it will still take me time, he responded saying basically he knows it will take time and it wont happen again and that he knows I look at his mobile now, and he is OK with that. It's a bit of a worrying thing as I agree that if you show those characteristics early on, then the odds are thats just the way he is. But i suppose I'll have to give him that chance because I'd be devastated to lose him. We shall see...... :)
Thanks for your reply, it has helped, sometimes its nice to have another persons perspective x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): Oh it's very hard I know but if he did not have the character to behave properly at the beginning of the relationship then it is going to take several years of growth and coaching from you to behave well. Yes good points that he has been honest about things, I suspect he was scared of commitment and scared of losing you at the same time so 'acted out' rather immaturely. The best you can do is set a clear boundary, of if you cheat I'm gone immediately, if this texting or similar ever happens again I'm gone and leave it at that and then see how things go for another year - if you are not happy in the next year - leave for good and move on to a mature reliable man than can show he loves you.
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