A
male
age
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*onEmma
writes:I’m a British man working and living in the Middle East with my family. Recently I was on the internet and went to Yahoo mail. My Filipina wife’s Yahoo email came up on the screen because she had forgotten to log off her email when leaving the computer. The page was at the ‘Sent’ mail folder and I noticed that my wife’s ‘Sent’ emails had gone to just one recipient and it was a Filipino man. Curiosity got the better of me and I opened one of her emails to this guy. I was shocked to realize that my wife and the Filipino had known each other intimately before. I opened the rest of her ‘Sent’ emails and confirmed it. My wife had written to him how much she really missed him, loved him and she said she would send him pictures of herself that would give him a hard-on etc. and she’d always signed out ‘love you’, ‘miss you’ or ‘xxx’. They had also sent SMS messages and chatted on Yahoo! Messenger and made international telephone calls. My wife bought a new webcam but the Filipino guy’s connection was too slow and they only connected once via webcam. I read an email where my wife even called the Filipino on our wedding anniversary and cried and told him how much she really missed and loved him. On our very own wedding anniversary…. The guy wrote and asked her to visit him where he works in Pasir Gudang, near Johor Bahru, in Malaysia if she ever got the chance to take a trip abroad. (It is a 2 hour flight from Manila to Singapore, then a one hour journey by road over the Singapore - Malaysia causeway to Johor Bahru.) I told my wife that she hadn’t signed out her account and I’d got curious about who she was writing to so read all her emails. I asked her about the emails and wanted to know who the man was. She was very defensive and said that it was a stranger, a nice guy who she had met at Bangkok airport who assisted her by taking on some of her excess baggage, on a flight to Manila. I did not believe her though, as I know my wife would not send sexy photos of herself to a stranger who she’d just met at an airport. After changing her story many times, I knew that she was lying. I read the emails again and realized that the guy worked for a company I knew in Pasir Gudang, Malaysia. I called the company and got to talk to the man and confronted him as to why he was sending secret emails to my wife, a married woman. He confessed that he knew my wife long before she had got married, when they had both worked in Johor Bahru. (They were actually boyfriend and girlfriend in Malaysia, back in 1987. As it happens, the guy had actually taken the virginity of my wife.) By coincidence, he was now back working in the same region where he and my wife were dating 21 years ago. He swore that he had not seen her for 21 years, when he had to leave Malaysia to take a new job in Indonesia. He understood that I was rightly angry that my wife was writing to her ex-boyfriend behind my back and promised to stop all correspondence with her. He gave me his word of honour. I told my wife that I had spoken to the guy who she’d been emailing on the phone and discovered that he was her Filipino ex-boyfriend and he had aplogized, promising never to contact her again. (I knew that my wife had had a Filipino lover 21 years before.) She admitted all what he had told me was true and begged forgiveness. I asked her how they had started communicating after such a long period of time, and she said that she had recently met an acquaintance from the old days in Malaysia at a party in Philippines and got her ex-boyfriend’s telephone number, called him and they’d exchanged email addresses. She apologized and promised to stop all correspondence immediately and to never contact her ex-boyfriend again. I was raging mad and it almost ended our marriage but I loved her so I forgave her. Several months later, I had to stay in the Middle East when my wife was going home to Philippines with the kids for Xmas holidays. She told me that a Filipina lady friend, Tess, who was married to my Scottish friend, but separated, had been repeatedly asking her to go on a trip to Singapore. She said Tess had asked her to ask me for permission. I sent Tess a text message saying, ‘Don’t be ridiculous, my wife doesn’t need to ask for my permission to go to Singapore with you. Of course she can go.’ Tess didn’t reply to my message.After my wife and kids had flown to Philippines, I called home a few days later. Our daughter told me that her mother had gone to Singapore. I tried to call my wife to see if she was okay, had enough money etc. but I could not get through. I had Tess’s number and sent her a text message asking her to tell my wife I was trying to call her. I joked to Tess that maybe she could find a new boyfriend in Singapore. Tess sent a reply saying that she was not in Singapore. She had to stay in Manila as her sister was in hospital. She also told me that she was not interested in finding a new boyfriend and that it was never her intention to go to Singapore at all, it was my wife’s plan. She told me that my wife had even offered to pay for her air fare. So I’d found out that Tess had never wanted to go to Singapore in the first place although my wife had said Tess had always been asking her to accompany her there. So obviously my wife had used Tess as her excuse to go there and possibly as an alibi, if I wondered what my wife could be getting up to. I started to wonder, why was my wife lying? I suspected that my wife could be planning to visit her ex-boyfriend, who’d asked her to visit him if ever she got the chance. Her ex-boyfriend was situated just one hour’s drive from Singapore. Still unable to contact my wife, I called home and my daughter told me that her mum had since left Singapore and gone to her ex-employer’s house in Malaysia. It was about 20 minutes drive from where her ex-boyfriend worked. I called my wife many times and eventually managed to talk to her for about a minute but it was a bad connection. I knew that she was at her former employer’s house, whom I’d met 3 years earlier, because I spoke to him. I wanted to ask my wife what was going on, why had she planned this trip all along and pretended that it was her friend Tess who’d asked her to go to Singapore, even offering to pay Tess’s air fare? But I didn’t get a chance to ask her what Tess had told me. For the next three days, I was calling my wife 75 times a day but her phone was always frustratingly disconnected. In desperation, I sent her an email saying that she had connived to deceive him about the whole trip and and accused her of following up on her ex-boyfriend’s request to visit him there in Malaysia. I slandered her and her ex-boyfriend terribly, calling them a scheming pair of Filipinos etc. etc. etc. and much worse. I wrote that I’d send copies of their secret emails to all of her family and friends and I’d divorce her. I also cc’d the ex-boyfriend in the email. I had his mobile number from their emails before and tried to call him numerous times but although his phone was ringing, he would not answer it. I sent him very strong accusatory text messages, implying that he and my wife were meeting in secret. He replied asking who was sending the messages and I told him he knew fine well it was his ex-girlfriend’s husband. He denied all wrongdoing and said he’d not seen or heard from my wife and had kept his promise never to contact her.The following day, my wife finally called me in a panic. She’d read my email accusing them of meeting in secret and denied it, pleading innocence. She told me never to dare accuse her of meeting her ex-boyfriend as she was staying with her former employer and her conscience was clear. She saw that I’d included her ex-boyfriend in the email and asked me to send him a text message apologising for wrongly accusing him of being with her. I had no hard evidence, only circumstantial evidence, but I strongly suspected that my wife had gone to meet him behind my back for various reasons. 1. She concocted a bunch of lies about her friend asking her to go to Singapore when it was her who planned the trip all along and she’d tried to frame her friend as the organiser of the trip.2. She was so desperate for her friend to go to Singapore (as her own reason for going), she even offered to pay her friend’s air fare.3. She could use her ex-boss as an alibi. (Of course, I was not going to call her ex-boss and ask him for a breakdown of her every movement.)4. I could not contact her for three days. (She’d said her mobile battery was low therefore she could not reply to messages or answer calls and she didn’t have a charger. I told her that I didn’t believe her.)In the absence of solid proof, I sent her ex-boyfriend a text message apologizing for accusing him. I explained all the reasons for doubting my wife and he replied that he fully understood why I suspected her and he accepted my apology. Which only made me suspect them all the more. Why would a person who has been wrongly accused of committing adultery with another man’s wife and very strongly verbally abused accept an apology, especially if he had done nothing wrong? He would normally have been affronted….
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female
reader, 1965E  +, writes (4 April 2009):
Mr. there is nothing more hurtful than the feeling of being deceived and betrayed from the person that you had invested all your time and energy to create a life together as husband and wife. I think you are way too generous man, and such I am sure you did to please your wife, which shows to prove you loved her and wanted to keep her forever. The man who invest on his woman proves to show he sees grate value to such. I think there should never be an excuse for cheating, no matter the circumstance, it is ovious you proved love for her in many ways, you were far from her but you kept in contact with her via the telephone...There are people who have no values at all about what is the meaning of marriage, no matter what culture and or religious background, if values were not igrained in their hearts they will mess up. I have probs myself such that I been suspecting something is wrong with my husband, does not keep in contact with me via telephone, his excuse is that he is always busy,I do not know what to do? I feel isolated, yet i have no intentions to cheat on him, it would be very wrong. When I was in Mich with him, he kept his cell hidden, he went out all the time, it didnt make sense to me...one time I cought him texting to a girl who works for his brother in law in the other chain store..I confronted him about it, but I shouldnt have done so, he became irrate and broke his cell on the floor. Everything was so strange, his friends, his brother in law knew about his strange behaviors but they never cared to help me out. I am not arab muslim, but I have high moral standards about relationships. My question is , if i am being kept isolated, not minded at all times, no calls, and all he says "worry about working and finding a home for us", makes me feel like I am being used (visa).the situation in mich is bad (they will close the business reason I moved out of state). Long story, I am not a good writer..my emotional well being is tarnish..i apologize for being unclear. anyway thanks ...wish you the best in life as people like you deserve it....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): Concerning the end of my last post, I just wanted to apologize for my 'inappropriate timing' with a way to spice up your marriage...considering the state of mind you were in that day.
I hope everyday is a little better than the last.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2009): I can understand your anger, (better to vent out here than family) Do you play tennis? I've seen men whack a ball so hard it was personal. Just letting it out in constructive ways helps.
Even the best of marriages fall victim to this, and it's a crossroad of choices. 2010 is a long time to carry this on...a slow death of your family. You can let this hurt rob you of living or choose forgiveness...the 1st step in healing your heart. Isn't it a wonder when someone extends a hand of mercy? undeserved grace. There's no feeling like it :) I'm not saying to ignore what she's done, but to come to an understanding together, listen to each others needs, and start a re-newing of your relationship.
You can win her heart back. When you're ready, it's important to keep her 'fire' lit. Try the 20 second kiss :) I think deep down she would erase what she's done if she could.
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male
reader, JonEmma +, writes (14 January 2009):
JonEmma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have adopted a tough stance and it's a bit like a cold war between us now. She is trying to thaw me out by making my favourite cuisine, but I'm not giving her an inch. I make a fuss and tell her not to cook for me again as I'm not hungry, or I refuse to eat what she makes. When I leave for work in the morning I tell her not to cook for me in the evening because I'll get a takeaway or cook a snack for myself. I'm taking care to make sure that my kids do not see much hostility between us. They are usually with friends or on their computers etc. When the next school holidays arrive at easter, I'll book them flights to Philippines and book myself on a flight elsewhere. That will be interesting to see how she reacts...It will be a long process but things will never be the same. My immediate target is to enable my oldest child to finish her exams in June 2010. My contract finishes at the same time. When we leave the Middle East at that time, we may well go in different directions. The coup de grace I plan to lay on her is telling her that I will never set foot in the house I built her ever again. It's a dream house and a crying shame but I want to hurt her and that's how I'm going to do it. I've already told her that if I ever come to learn that another man sleeps in the $4,000 dollar bed I bought, I'll torch the f***ing house. She said that another man sleeping in the master bedroom will never be an issue, it just won't happen. (I personally don't think she would stoop to the level of letting our kids see another man in our house. My daughter would not stand for it in any case.) I'm even thinking about never ever visiting Philippines again. If and when we do go our separate ways (which I want and she says she doesn't) when I finish my job here, I'll ensure that I get unlimited access to my kids and I'll pay for their flights to meet me at rendezvous locations close to Philippines i.e. Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore, Malaysia etc. My daughter is already old enough to fly without a guardian and my son will be in two years time. But their mother will not be on my guest invitation list and if she wants to come, she will have to pay her own air fare, accommodation and eat at different restaurants from us. I'll tell her to find her own company and not to gatecrash our get-together. Vengeance will be mine. She can mark my words. I have the finances, I'm in total control.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): I think this cooling off period will be good for the both of you. They say if you love someone, to let them go, and they will come back to you-if their love is true. If you really do this, then their should be no malice, or maniuplation. What I mean is, you can't tell her you'll take everything back or threaten her with 'revenge' if she decides to go. I'm trying to break your thinking that she's only with you for the financial security. Maybe you don't really want to know, but do you really want to be in a marriage always wondering? You deserve to be loved too! If you feel undeserving because of your past, well we All have a past, but if we've learned from it, our lives are better for it.
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reader, JonEmma +, writes (7 January 2009):
JonEmma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is my final posting on my subject. I’ve wrote enough to write a book, I should have been a novelist. I have read all your opinions and with your help, I’ve made up my mind and answered my dilemma the way I see it. Thanks for all your feedback.
After I left her in Malaysia to take up my new job in Thailand, we got in touch by chance months’ later and exchanged phone nos. We were just friends. We both knew there was no love. How could there be when we never even knew each other?
During one of our phone calls, she told me that she'd like to visit me in Thailand and I offered her that chance. She was encouraged by her friends to go and she grabbed her chance with both hands, hoping it could lead to something of a better life. I paid for her release from her employment agency and her air fare. We got on really well in the early days.
Shortly after she joined me in Thailand, she asked if she could enrol at hair-dressing college for an intensive 6 months course so that’s what happened. She was happy learning and I was happy for her. For me, at that time I regarded her as my live-in girlfriend, without any real commitment, and we would see how things might pan out. I was single and 32 years old and I considered myself as a confirmed bachelor with no designs on ever marrying. I worked with guys my own age, we were earning very big money and temptation was never far away working in Thailand. To be honest, I was unfaithful to her many times in our early courtship. Me and my mates had a lot of late nights and played the field and I enjoyed my life as a single man. I did not do anything in her face but she knew what we were getting up to. I know that I was wrong to make her suffer. I'm not proud of it but if I'm telling my story, I'm not portraying myself as an angel. That's only fair.
It was different for her, of course. After two broken romances with Filipinos, she had made a vow unto herself never to have another Filipino boyfriend. (Filipinos working away from home have a reputation as playboys.) I was attracted to her and when fate played its hand and we got in touch again, she felt that she had nothing to lose. She made the commitment to resign from her job and she was willing to take a chance with me, a foreigner who seemed like a nice guy. Once she left her job, she had made her bed and had to lie in it. She simply had to make something of this relationship or go home to Philippines broke and needing to pay a new agent a placement fee to get another job as a maid again. Not easy and hardly a prospect to look forward to.
I saw less of my friends and cut down on my social life and things were quite idyllic. She passed her final exams with flying colours. We built up love over two and a half years and then I made the decision to marry her. She had been a very positive influence on my life and brought stability to us as a couple. She was a good woman, attractive, hard-working and loyal. I felt that she loved me and when I questioned her as to why she took a chance on me, she admitted that of course we had no way of knowing at first when we were just long-distance friends, but she was grateful that it had worked out. She told me that she had developed love for me over the years we were together. Two and a half years of living with a partner should be enough for most people to make a decision, would you agree?
She did not ask me for any property. I did NOT buy her the expensive property, jewellery etc. because I was trying to buy her love. It was entirely my decision to recently build the big house. We have two lovely kids and I felt it was something I should do for her and the kids. If anything should ever happen to me, there would always be a roof over their heads. It was my sacrifice and I don't regret having built it, even if we were to break up. The same can be said for the 6 apartment unit I bought which we rent out. It is there as an investment for the future for them and if the unthinkable ever happened and I was not around to support them, the rental income will be enough for them to manage on.
If I could turn back the clock, I would never have bought her the Rolex, the Louis Vuitton bags or the two carat diamond earrings. She asked me for all of those. They are extravagances that cheating, lying wives never will deserve.
Regarding making the mistake of flying abroad hoping to meet her ex-flame, I don’t believe she wanted to get caught because she had it all and stood to lose so, so much. (She had it all…except love?) When I confronted him several months ago in a phone call about the emails, he told me that he loved his wife and he would not want to risk his marriage by having an extra-marital affair for another woman, especially another man's wife. I think the thrill and danger of meeting clandestinely was too much of a temptation and she made a massive mistake.
After 15 years of marriage and with two beautiful kids, I'm trying to analyse what went wrong. She will be 44 years old in 3 weeks time. Could it be mid-life crisis? Did she carry the scars of my playing the field in our early days and set out to get revenge? Was it boredom with having too much of a good thing? Familiarity bred contempt? Or that she never truly loved me? Or was she only being human and made a big mistake, as we all do? Maybe it was a combination of all of those things?
She confessed that when I worked abroad in 2003, we once had a massive phone argument and she had cheated on me and slept with her second boyfriend. It would have been easy for her to do as it’s the only time I’ve worked away from my family. She swore she slept with him one time only and begged forgiveness. After agonizing over whether to leave her, I forgave her. My kids needed her. Then last December, if she did not cheat on me with her first Filipino boyfriend, she at least tried to when she went to great lengths to meet him by taking an international flight. In summary, she’s had two Filipino boyfriends before she met me and screwed one of them and tried to screw the other. She has told me that she loved them both and would have married either of them if they had asked her. Both of them broke her heart. She said that she is glad she didn’t marry them or else she would not be with me.
Filipina women have a reputation for being faithful. (Not the women who work the bars, the ordinary women who have respectable, even low-paid humble jobs.) I truly believe that she would never have been unfaithful to either of her Filipino boyfriends. I think she loves Filipino men first and foremost.
She swears that she loves me. Maybe she loves me as she would a brother, for being her Good Samaritan, when I rescued her from a life of being a maid earning $150/month way back in 1991. If I am honest with myself, I don't think she has ever really loved me. I'm just an ordinary kind-hearted guy who came by, fancied her and picked up the pieces after her heart had been broken twice by men from her own country. I think she feels an obligation to love me for all that I’ve done for her. I think she wants to love me and she has tried to love me. But you can’t make yourself love somebody. It’s not like turning on a switch. We can’t instill that vital spark if it was never really there. It must come from within.
Obviously many people believe, as I do, that she married me for financial security. If someone else had written this story, I would think exactly the same.
If we part, I will never be so extravagant to another woman. I'll be 52 years old soon and once bitten, twice shy. I will never make the same mistakes again that I made with her. I've learned my lesson.
I have told her that if we did not have our kids, she would be history. I love my kids so much and don't want them to feel like the victims here. I know they would feel like victims if I broke up with their mother. And I would not be able to stop them from going with her because she is a good mother and can take more care of them than I can. I would not deprive them of their mum. I will sacrifice my own happiness for my kids. My love for my children will never diminish. As a late starter as a father, I don’t want to be separated from my kids. I don’t think I could handle it. At my age, I don’t have time on my side. That is my dilemma.
It gave me no pleasure to pour out my story and soul search for the reasons of her betrayal. I’m not asking for readers’ sympathy. I would just like their understanding. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): I felt guilt for my answer yesterday. Here you pour out your heart and soul, and my comments had little thought and 'shallowness'. Partly because I felt sympathy for your wife, and why she would do such a desperate act and risk her marriage and family.
When a woman reaches her 40's, she fully blossoms into her own. She knows herself. She sees what's most valuable to her, and it's true, the best things in life are free! :) In the beginning, it must've been like a dream for her. You say she was a light in your life, and you were her British Knight for giving her a better life than she's known. To me, that's equal...what you both brought to the relationship. Then reality begins, she has to adjust to cultural (shock) differences, social status, a new husband...sounds overwhelming. (Can you put yourself living in Thailand-near her family?) But she came through for you, and she probably felt limited in what she could offer you as a wife. Then she mingles with parents from school, and feels she must live up to their standards for their acceptance. She starts losing herself, becoming more materialistic. You notice too, but weren't you the one to invite her into this lifestyle? Wasn't her 'unspoiled nature' what attracted you to her? I don't understand: you accuse her of wanting extravagances, yet she's given a choice to adjust to her your life, or ask for nothing and live in her own little world. Lonely and depressed. Did she ever make any Filipino friends? make regular trips to her homeland? (to bring a connection of her past) We are body, mind, and spirit. Grateful for a husband that provides, but also need an emotional connection with you and others to feel a place of belonging. All marriages have their issues, maybe yours more for the vast differences, but you have to ask yourself, am I making time for her? do I invest in our relationship? or just too busy. What kind of marriage do you want Jon? I do believe she has love for you, but didn't know how to tell you (for fear of unapproval) her feelings. Being honest with each other strenghthens the bond you have together. I hope you give her another chance...and for this to work, she needs your forgiveness (resentment destroys) with the understanding it will take time to build trust. God bless your beautiful family.
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (6 January 2009):
 I will take it a little further. You know, I really HATE gold diggers!!!! Im not sure if thats what she is or that you kept giving all the time. I'm smart enough to rid these off because I know exactly what they want (most of my generation has become accustomed to it now). You seem like a smart man. Though, I see you are just figuring this one out. I really feel for your generation somtimes because you are targets for young hot women who play you for money and flash their hot sexy bodies at you, you have money and thats what some women want (as sappygirl said "financial security" that's what your wife seemed to be looking for, a rather old fashioned thing these days, but unfortunatley some guys still fall for that game, im sorry to say especially your generation, my father is your age he fell for it too, ive seen it before.)
You gotta learn to make a woman fall for you for who you are not for what you have and what you can provide them. Where and how is by finding the right woman who's also in a similar financial situation as you and at the same social level/class. Otherwise it will all happen again, you need to be witty and smart these days mate.
And i agree with the previous poster: You've got to find a woman in your own social class. Move on now so you can find her and be happy with your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): Maybe your wife misses the simple things in life... Life among the rich can sometimes be shallow...I'm thinking she felt like a simple outsider, trying to fit in, and that would be very lonely. You sound like a very smart, successful man, but do you think you were gone too much in the marriage doing business? Maybe she got lonely for you too...and I don't think you should begrudge her the gifts you bought her, Before she betrayed you. Didn't she give you gifts also? being a good mom, sharing your bed, a companion...those are valuable too. If you do decide to end things, it would only be right to make sure she is living near family in a comfortable home.Sorry if I'm being hard on you, but if your marriage has passed the point of repair, then maybe you should think of meeting a woman of your own social class.
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reader, JonEmma +, writes (5 January 2009):
JonEmma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to reply to ‘sappygirl’s’ latest posting, dated 03 January, to my question, ''Did my wife visit her ex-boyfriend?'' Much of what you have written is obviously what many people would believe, including that she married me for financial security. If I was reading MY own story and it was written by another person, I would have thought the exact same. Yes, she comes from a poor farming family. She has 5 sisters and 3 brothers who all farm the land to subsist. She was the only one of 9 siblings who did not want to have a life on the farm. To her credit, she had the get up and go to try and make something of her life, albeit to work as a humble housemaid to wealthy Chinese employers in Malaysia and Singapore. Most of the meagre earnings she made was sent home to support her family, as is the case with 95% of OFWs. (Filipino overseas foreign workers.)We had met just once in 1990, before I left her in Malaysia to take up a job in Thailand. We had made a date but never even fulfilled it. Because I had to leave in a hurry before she could take her one day off per month. We exchanged phone nos. and kept in touch. Friends only, we both knew there was no love. How could there be when we never even knew each other? During one of our phone calls, she told me she'd like to visit me in Thailand and I offered her that chance. So she took her chance with both hands, hoping it could lead to something of a better life. I paid for her release from her employment agency and her air fare. We got on really well although I'm not naive to think there was anything like love in the early days. Basically after two broken romances with Filipinos, she had made the commitment to resign from her job and she was willing to take a chance with me, a foreigner who seemed like a nice guy. For me, at that time I regarded her as my live-in girlfriend, without any commitment, and we would see how things would pan out. I was 32 years old then and considering myself as a confirmed bachelor with no designs on ever marrying. No more, no less. It was different for her of course, she had to make something of this relationship or go home to Philippines broke and needing to pay a new agent a placement fee to get another job as a maid again. Not easy and hardly a prospect to look forward to. Once she was in Thailand, she enrolled at hair-dressing college and passed with flying colours. We built up love over two and a half years and then I made the decision to marry her. She had been a very positive influence on my life and brought stability to us as a couple. She was a good woman, attractive, hard-working and loyal. I felt that she loved me and when I questioned her as to why she took a chance on me, she admitted that of course we had no way of knowing each other when we were just long-distance friends, but she took a chance and she was grateful that it worked out. She told me that she had developed love for me over the years we were together. Two and a half years of living with a partner should be enough for most people to make a decision, would you agree?She did not ask me for any property. It was entirely my decision to recently build the big house. We have two lovely kids and I felt it was something I should do for her and the kids. If ever anything should happen to me, there would always be a roof over my kids heads. It was my sacrifice and I don't regret having built it. Even if we were to break up. The same can be said for the 6 apartment unit I bought which we rent out. It is there as an investment for the future for them and the rental income will be enough for them to manage on, if the unthinkable ever happened and I was not around to support them. If I could turn back the clock, I would never have bought her the Rolex, the Louis Vuitton bags or the two carat diamond earrings. She asked me for all of those. They are extravagances that cheating, lying wives never will deserve. I don't mind buying expensive presents occasionally. I keep reminding her that she used to tell me in our early days that she did not need the material things in life, she just wanted someone to love her. If that was so, why did she ask for the Rolex, the LV bags or the two carat diamond earrings? I have a sound theory which revolves around the time when our kids went to the prestigious international school in the Philippines. Relatively speaking, only rich kids could go there, as 98% of Filipino families could not afford it. At the risk of sounding conceited, our kids are quite attractive. The mix between Caucasians and Asians often tends to make handsome kids. Our kids were popular with the other kids because they were slightly different from them. The difference was the attraction. As my wife drove the kids to school, she gradually met the parents of our kids friends. They were rich business people or professionals e.g. dermatologists, lawyers etc. I'm not exaggerating when I say that several of those parents are dollar millionaires. We became friends with many of them over the years and still are to this day. Most of them are wealthier than us. I think that is when my wife started to get materialistic. Because as with all of us, Filipinos can be very showy when they have some of the finer things in life. They like to brag and/or show off. Regarding making the mistake of flying abroad hoping to meet her ex-flame, I don’t believe for a second that she wanted to get caught. I know she did not want to get caught because she stood to lose so, so much. I also know that he did not want to risk his marriage by having an extra-marital affair because, when I confronted him several months ago in a phone call about the emails, he told me that he loved his wife and would not endanger his marriage for another woman, especially another man's wife. I think the thrill and danger of meeting clandestinely was too much of a temptation and she made a massive mistake. I'm trying to analyse it and find the answer. She will be 44 years old in 3 weeks time. Could it be mid-life crisis? Boredom with having too much of a good thing? Familiarity bred contempt? Or that she never truly genuinely loved me? Or a combination of all those things? I suspect that it's basically just that she loves her country folk first and foremost. She had two Filipino boyfriends before me and both of them broke her heart. I'm just an ordinary kind-hearted guy who came by and picked up the pieces. I was attracted to her and asked her for a date and she felt that she had nothing to lose. The rest is history.I hate what she did to me and feel humiliated. You wrote that you also think I don't want to let her go and I'm determined to make her love me. Believe me, that's not why I gave her the expensive property, jewellery etc. I'm not trying to buy her love. I am simply a generous man. If we do part, I'd probably be generous to any future partner. But I've learned my lesson. I will not be extravagant to another woman. I'll be 52 years old soon and I feel like once bitten, twice shy. Never again will I make the mistakes I made with her. She has taught me that.She swears that she loves me but I don't think she ever really has done. Maybe she loves me as she would a brother, for being her saviour when I rescued her from being a maid earning $150/month way back in 1991. I guess I will never truly know if my wife ever loved me or if she just loved the life I gave her. That is my dilemma. I have told her that if we did not have our kids, she would be history. I love my kids so much and don't want them to feel like the victims here. I know they would feel like victims if I broke up with their mother. And I would not be able to stop them from going with her because she is a good mother and can take more care of them than I can. I would not deprive them of their mum. I will sacrifice my own happiness for my kids. That is my predicament. I am weak but my love for my children will never diminish.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (3 January 2009):
 Wow!JonEmma... I am looking for a rich guy to marry and take care of me!! Come to America!! Somehow I always end up with the poor boys with big hearts and no future. haha.
Seriously, though, i don't mean to make light of your situation but as I was reading your post I realize what may have happenend. And I could be wrong...but my guess is
that she married you for finacial security. She and her family probably grew up poor and you were her ticket to a lifestyle or the Rich & Famous. Unfortunately no amount of Luis Vuttion bags can tell a women how her heart may feel. Or maybe she did love you at one time, but then all your long hours at work to make this money left her alone and longing for attention and companionship.
Whatever the case, Yes you did and gave a lot to her and her family. But were you trying to buy her love? I don't know..i'm just throwing it out there.
What it comes down to is Can this marriage be saved?
Personally, I thinks she wanted to get caught. I mean honestly, how did she think she was going to get away with this. I think she wants out and doesn't know how to tell you. Look at her actions, not her words.
And I also think you don't want to let this women go.
It's like something inside of you is determine to make this women love you. (again..i'm just throwing it out there)
Whatever the case...like i said. the trust is gone. and it's basically your decision what you do from her.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (2 January 2009):
I'd get it over with now rather than wait till your contract finishes - and that's for the sake of the children. Give her the house in the Phillipines and that's it - sometimes you make a loss but its up to you. The children will feel more pain than you will ever know with you both in the same house and being so negative to each other living in different rooms etc - it could ruin their future relationships and cause psychological damage. End it with her now move on and discuss it with your children, they are old enough.
Another thing too: Giving a woman treasures, houses jewelery, gifts and all sorts of things. Will never truly win her heart. They do love that stuff, but it means absolutley nothing in the end. just make sure you get it all back.
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A
male
reader, JonEmma +, writes (31 December 2008):
JonEmma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe latest update in our marital problem…..
She is in the Philippines with our kids for the school holidays until 03 January before they return to me in the Middle East. She has admitted under heavy questioning via international phone calls that she intended to visit Singapore first and include a visit to Malaysia later during the 5 day trip to meet him by surprise. I asked her why she did not book accommodation in Singapore and her excuse was that it was too dear. Hotels are quite affordable there and I said nobody books a flight only to a place, unless they are not intending to stay there. I believe her plan was to go to Johor Bahru (JB), where he worked, and call up and surprise him by saying she was there. (Remember, months before he had asked her in their secret emails to visit him there if she ever she got the chance.) If things had gone to plan, they would have met and whatever else that entails. If he could not put her up, no problem, she would simply have booked a hotel in Johor Bahru. She knew that she could always go to her ex-employer as a back-up, if they could not meet. She would definitely visit her ex-employer in any case and call me from their house and invite me to talk to them. As her cover-up, of course....
After she’d just arrived in Malaysia in early December and I'd spoken to her at her ex-employer's house, which was 20 minutes drive from where her ex-boyfriend worked, I couldn't get her on the phone for the next 2-3 days. That was when I suspected that they were meeting in secret and I decided to contact him again by SMS and accuse them of conniving to meet behind my back. (As I couldn’t get her on the phone, I sent her an email accusing them on the same day.) He sent an SMS reply swearing that he'd had no further contact after I first confronted him about the emails in March 2008. (By the way, I sent him another SMS on 30 December 2008, and he again insisted that he'd had no contact with her.) The next morning is when she called me saying she had read my email and she vehemently denied that she had gone to meet him and she went there simply to visit her ex-employer. Her ex-boyfriend lived too close for comfort to her employer for my liking. Especially after I’d found their secret emails.
I told her that if her conscience was clear and she had nothing to hide, I'm insisting that she takes a lie detector test or it's over. She refused to take one at first then said if it's the only way our relationship can survive, she will take the test. (Actually there is no mechanism for taking such a test in the Middle East. I just wanted to see her reaction when given an ultimatum.)
I have quizzed her by phone calls and SMS daily since Xmas Day, 2008 and she finally admitted that she had planned to meet him by surprise when she was at her ex-employer in Malaysia from 7-11 December. During that time, she admitted that she had tried to call his office number one day, but she only managed to speak to a receptionist and never got a chance to speak to him. When she asked the receptionist to talk to him, the receptionist asked her to hold on while she tried to connect her to his extension. She told me that she heard the receptionist whispering to someone that a lady named Emma was looking for him and she heard a man whispering back, 'Tell her I am not here.' She believes that it was him and he was making an excuse that he was out of the office. Was he keeping his promise to me and avoiding contact with her? Only they know for sure. I doubt if I will get a confession from either of them that they committed the ultimate sin and I think that's as far as I can take it.
One thing is certain. No doubt about it, she was the one doing all the chasing after him. I told her that and she admitted it. She said she had made a big mistake and she does love me and is so disgusted and ashamed of herself for the irreparable damage that she has caused to our marriage. I think she was more embarrassed and disappointed with herself than anything else because she had made an international flight to surprise an ex-boyfriend who had rejected her....and she had got caught by her husband cheating behind his back into the bargain. She fell flat on her face. When I found those emails, I forgave her and got her out of the mess she was putting herself into. But she put herself right back in it when she hopped on that plane.
She has asked for another chance as she wants to keep the family together and wants us to try and patch up our relationship. She asked if she can come back with the kids on 03 January. She knows damn well that she went way too far and that she is in for a torrid time of questioning and she will have to face the music. I'm the one who is calling the shots and she says it's ultimately up to me to decide whether I forgive her, or give her another chance. I know she hopes that time can be the healer and we can patch things up. I'm prepared to sacrifice another 14 months living under the same roof as my wife until I finish my contract. I will let her return but I'll insist that we live separate lives and sleep in separate bedrooms. She will do that because she has too much to lose. My problem is my kids who I love dearly. They are 15 and 12 and at a crucial stage in their education and doing well at international school. They also like it here. If we break up, she will return to the massive house I built her two years ago in Philippines. It's in her name as I don't have permanent residence. As much as the kids love me, I know they will want to return to the Philippines if their mother goes back and I don't want that to happen. It is a country of little or no opportunities where nepotism and cronyism reign supreme and the kids’ educational qualifications attainment in Philippines will be derided in just about most countries in the world. She drives my kids to school and back and cooks for them and herself. I will cook for myself or get takeaways. She will know that I am letting her back solely for the welfare of the kids. It won't be easy but I need my kids and I see no alternative. I don't want custodial and legal battles at this stage of my life. I will re-address our situation when my job is finished and we have to leave the Middle East. I don’t think we have a future.
Frankly I think she is basically upset and angry with herself for being so stupid to get caught. To add insult to injury, she was rejected by her ex. To compound matters, she has compromised her marriage beyond repair by running after another man who was not even interested in her. Serves her damn right and she got her just rewards.
As I stand to collect a 6 figure end-of-contract-bonus when my contract in the Middle East finishes in 14 months time, it would be financial suicide to walk away so I am compelled to stay here until I complete my work.
I gave her everything. A Rolex, Louis Vuitton bags, I built her parents a new 4bedroom bungalow 12 years ago and I paid for renovations when termites attacked it; I bought her dad a fish pond and fingerlings to stock it; she has had two new cars recently; I built her a $350,000 6-bedroom (all en-suite) house in one of the most up-market districts in Philippines two years ago; I bought her a 6 apartment unit as rental property; she has had holidays all over the world; all the latest designer apparel; seven of her nieces have worked as our maids over the years including paying for one's flights to Thailand every three months; I paid for her father's medical treatment when he was dying of cancer and bought him a plot to be buried in and paid his funeral expenses when he died two years ago; I paid for her nephew's funeral expenses three years ago when he was tragically killed as a teenager; I paid for her relatives flights to Thailand when we lived there; I gave her relatives loans that have not been repaid; I loaned her sister and niece the money to pay for their air fares to the Middle East where they could find work. Our kids get mostly what they want.
Thanks for all your heart-warming replies. It's nice to know that there are people with feelings. More than I can say for my wife, who is implying she is so remorseful and ashamed of her selfish, thoughtless actions. A lot of readers have warned me to be careful and not allow her access to our savings. Thanks for your concerns, but just to reassure you, I have quite substantial savings in an offshore bank account in the Channel Islands in my name only. And the account will remain in my name only. I don't want to sound conceited, but I have enough in the bank to walk away tomorrow with a spring in my step and start a new life in relative comfort, if I so decide. That option may well be the route I take when I finish my contract in the Middle East. By that time, my eldest will be 17 years old and have taken her first stage exams. That is my milestone.
Thanking you all from the bottom of my heart for listening to my awful story and for your words of comfort, advice and encouragement.
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A
male
reader, JonEmma +, writes (30 December 2008):
JonEmma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe latest update in our marital problem. She has admitted under duress (heavy questioning by me in an international phone call; remember she is in the Philippines with our kids for the school holidays until 03 January before they return to me in the Middle East) that she wanted to visit Singapore first and include a surprise visit to Malaysia to meet him later. But she did not book accommodation in Singapore and her excuse was that it was too expensive. It's quite affordable and I said nobody books a flight only to a place unless they are not intending to stay there, as I believe was her reason. I think she hoped that she could stay with him and go to her ex-employer as a back-up if he did not meet her. When I found her emails eight months ago, he gave me his word then that he would never communicate with her again. When I contacted him recently when she visited where he lived, just before she opened her email where I accused them of meeting in secret, he swore he'd had no further contact. Today by SMS, he again insisted that he'd had no contact.
I told her that if her conscience is clear and she has nothing to hide, I'm insisting that she takes a lie detector test or it's over. She refused to take one for a day then said if it's the only way our relationship can survive, she will take the test. (Actually there is no mechanism for taking such a test in the Middle East. I just wanted to see her reaction when given an ultimatum.) So now she has admitted planning to meet him and today she admitted trying to call his office number several times, but she never spoke to him even once and she believes he knew it was her and he was keeping his promise to me and avoiding her.
I think that's as far as I can take it. I doubt if I will get a confession from either of them that they committed the ultimate sin. I have enough now to make a decision and I'm leaning towards divorce. My only problem is my kids who I love dearly. They are 15 and 12 and at a crucial stage in their education and doing well at international school. They also like it here. If we break up, she will return to the massive house I built her two years ago in Philippines. It's in her name as I don't have permanent residence.
As I stand to collect a 6 figure end-of-contract-bonus when my contract in the Middle East finishes in 14 months time, it would be financial suicide to walk away so I am compelled to stay here until I complete my work. As much as the kids love me, I know they will want to return to the Philippines if their mother goes back and I don't want that to happen. It is a country of little or no opportunities where nepotism and cronyism reign supreme and their educational qualifications attainment in Philippines will be derided in just about most counties in the world. I'm prepared to sacrifice another 14 months living under the same roof as my wife. But in different bedrooms. She drives my kids to school and back and cooks for them and herself. I will cook for myself or get takeaways. She will know that I am letting her back solely for the welfare of the kids. It won't be easy but I need my kids and I see no alternative. I don't want custodial and legal battles at this stage of my life. I will re-address our situation when my job is finished and we have to leave the Middle East.
I gave her everything. A Rolex, Louis Vuitton bags, I built her parents a new 4 bedroom bungalow 12 years ago, she has had two new cars recently, I built her a $350,000 6-bedroom (all en-suite) house in one of the most upmarket districts in Philippines two years ago, she has had holidays all over the world, all the latest designer apparel, seven of her nieces have worked as our maids over the years, I paid for her father's medical treatment when he was dying of cancer, bought him a plot to be buried in and paid his funeral expenses when he died two years ago, I paid for her nephew's funeral expenses three years ago when he was tragically killed as a teenager. Our kids get mostly what they want.
She said she loves me and is sorry for her sins and she is prepared to move back and live in separate rooms and hope that time can be the healer and patch up our relationship. But she says it's ultimately up to me to decide. I know she will do that because she has too much to lose.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (25 December 2008):
Mate I agree with the last poster. You will never truly know what happened but it's extreamly strange how she ran off and disapeared for a few days. I would NEVER do such a thing if I were married either.
I think you have a lot of thinking to do.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (25 December 2008):
Wow!!! that was long. Can't believe i finished reading the whole thing.
Well...first off all trust have been broken
between you and your wife. you forgave her and she still
lied to you the 2nd time around.
Now, when she opens her mouth, how do you know what is the truth and lies?
2nd. it's obvious that she doesn't love or respect you anymore. He actions have disrespected you and you have every right to be angry.
So the question is... Do you still want to be with this woman? Do you still want to share you're life with her?
I'm not saying go out and get a divorce.
But there are issues in the marraige that need to be solve.
I believe woman only cheat because their emotional needs are not being met.
So ask yourself. Are you giving her the attention and love that she craves and desire. Are you a good husband to her?
If you feel that you have been. Then after 21 years of marraige, she is wanting excitement and danger in her life.
She is bored.
Personally, it would not matter if she actually went and met up with him and had sex.
I believe she already crossed the line and did "cheat" on you. Emotionally cheat. which is just as bad.
So now the ball is in your court on what to do.
Can you forgive her again?
Can you forget?
maybe marraige counseling will help.
But ultimately only you can decide what to do about your marraige. Sometimes when we love someone sooooo much...they don't appreciate it , but step all over us like a doormat. marraige is sooo hard. Best of luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): Boy! This is the longest question I've read here ever. I understand your feelings. You have the right to feel uncomfortable in your situation and you have valid reasons to doubt your wife.
I believe she went to see him and you should leave her because she is an adulterer. I'm a woman and I know I wouldn't do that to a husband (if I was married) but if I were the kind who cheats I'd do what she did.
I'm sorry about your situation because I know you are suffering and it seems to me you are a good man and don't deserve this. I believe they are both very manipulative persons. The marriage will never be the same.
You might never know if they were together for sure but you caught her on an emotional affair (those emails) and you have caught her in lies, enough venom to put a big strain in a marriage and for you to feel you cannot trust her anymore. If the man lived close you could put her in a detective surveillance to get the proof you need for a divorce.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): Hey are you a 3 year old kid who cannot figure this out well if you want to still hear it YES SHE HAS CHEATED ON YOU / USED YOU AND MANUPILATED YOU come on its all very evident now its upto you what you want to do about it
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