A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, I asked a guy out...and now it is weird. Basically it all came to a head after a really interesting day spent with him. We spend a lot of time together, even though we have only known each other for just over 3 months. We are both at University together and partake in similar extra curricular activities. So over the last few months we have been growing closer. We have dinner out together at least once a week, and it was (and still is) always him that elongates these meetings. Anyway, on the interesting day, he told me something, which I thought, you don't tell someone unless you feel you need their acceptance or you feel they need to know. So, I decided to tell him. When I did, he was very nice about it, I just said, "I really like you". I paused, he said "Do you have anything more you wish to add or can I speak now?" I shook my head. So he sat back and full on thought for a good two - three minutes (at which point I was knocking back the glass of wine I had). Then he comes back with these two reasons not to date me: 1) That he was too busy, and didn't feel it was right to start a relationship when he didn't feel he had time. 2) That he felt he was too selfish and that he didn't want to inflicting himself on others by dating them. Then he said, that he really wanted us to keep our friendship and that I had done nothing wrong in telling him (a bit patronising, no?). Anyway, I would just like some reassurance, did I do the right thing? Should I keep things as they were before, because I am really struggling with doing so, as he does flirt with other women blatantly in front of me? And how should I take the fact that he did not declare that he did not feel the same way about me? This is the first time I have done this, and am struggling with the feelings I am feeling. Thank you so much!
View related questions:
flirt, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 After 3 months and going for dinners together that's all he has to say? He's right - he's a selfish and self centered guy. He wants to eat he's cake and have it. Totally not worth your time. he's undecided about what to do and wants to keep he's options open. Friendship with this guy will be weird cause you both want different things. As a girl I know it wasn't easy for you to say that to him but you had to because he wasn't forthcoming. Stop the dinners and stick to the occasional hellos when you see around school. Chin up.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 December 2012):
 I think you did the right thing.
I think that you saying "I really like you" and nothing else leaves it wide open... HE made the assumption that you wanted more (which you do but it was still an assumption on his part)
and he countered with his reasons why he can't get serious or date you. Ok fair enough.
He clearly has never considered you gf material FOR HIM... that does not mean you are not GF material for someone else.
SO if you are interested in finding a full time bf I think you will have to spend LESS time with him and more time with new folks.
Oh well... life goes on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): Take it from experience. You did the right thing by being upfront and honest. Just think if you kept things as they were and you slept with him? How would you feel then? Pretty crappy. Trust me been there done that. If you can handle being friends with him I would say continue to do so. But don't have sex with him. It will make matters worse. You're very young so you have many years to date and figure out what you want and need. Best wishes!
...............................
A
female
reader, Taurus2012 +, writes (6 December 2012):
 Yes, tell him how you feel. This 2012. The sooner you know the answer, that better. If you get back the answer what you want that good news. If the answer hurting, dont worry, life keep moving, and you will meet another great guy.
...............................
A
female
reader, [?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] +, writes (6 December 2012):
![[?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] agony aunt](/avatars/7bb1e9ea-6c2f-43b8-a4f7-0635b7eff08c.png) To keep it brief and short, no you weren't wrong at doing what you did. I think it was a good call because now you know he isn't interested and you can always move on and find someone better, there are plenty of fish in the sea. :) Just stick with being friends but if he keeps flirting, he's a tease and it's not worth the hassle. Just stick to your gut in this case. Good luck babe.
...............................
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (6 December 2012):
OP, well my first reaction was probably not publishable and so I have come up with an excuse for him. Maybe he is such a nice shy guy that his shock on hearing you liked him was to say he wasnt good enough for you. If that isnt the case then he is the arrogant selfish immature inpolite Ahole he sounds like. Yes it was really nice and sweet of you to be open with your feelings and it was a great pity he didnt show enough respect to be a bit more polite to you. Whilst you werent wrong in showing your feelings you can see that in doing so you do risk getting hurt. Sadly I guess you learn to be a bit more careful in future. Next time you see this guy though I would tell him that you dont care how arrogant and selfish he thinks he is he could still be nice about it. You might get a sorry out of him but dont worry if you dont!
...............................
|
