A
female
age
41-50,
*ouisaMatthews
writes:Hi i'm in a big big quandryI posted sunday about splitting up with my boyfriend of 10/11 months. He lied to me when i first went out with him as he was living with someone else and only split up from them after we'd been seeing each other for 6 weeks. I only found out when his ex rung me (she'd got the No off his mobile bill). I was devestated but decided to give him a chance as I was very into him and he was otherwise a very nice bloke.he also told me that the relationship was long over before i came along and he was just going through the motions.Then I learnt about his past relationships. that he'd left his wife and son of 1 years old to go off with a girl from work. Then when that relationshp got into difficulty after 4 years he started having sex with another woman at work. When I said do you think that's acceptable he shrugged it off saying the relationship was nearly over.This has caused me to intensely not trust him. I have checked his emails on a regular basis and drove myself insane thinking about him eventually leaving and cheating on me. It's been the cause of many, many an argument.now here's where I admit my faults. When I get really close to someone in a relationship, i do have a big tendency to get jealous, insecure and a bit controlling. I tried to curb it in this relationshp and was probably a lot calmer that what I am normally. But recently the mood swings on my behalf have got a lot worse cos I've been winding myself up that he's gonna cheat on me. This has lead to arguments for no reason with me saying really nasty things to him and he to me. I have even got close to hitting him but didn't.Saturday we had a very big row and it was mostly my fault cos I wouldn't let it drop. Then when he took me home I tried to stop him from going but he went anyway. I checked his email and saw an email from SEXSEARCH.COM and the red mist decended again. I couldn't prove when he'd joined but then i went in and thought i'd saw that he'd amended it that night so sent him a message telling him it was over and told him why.The next day, he sent a text denying it, saying it was from ages ago etc. then didn't bother anymore.Now I'm thinking i am the one that has messed this relationship. I'm so confused. Have i really done the wrong thing finishing with him? My Dad has said that the relationship was a joke anyway cos I didn't trust him and i had to check up on him all the time.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (24 June 2008):
 I think that there are always fresh doubts when a relationship has just ended. It sounds like this relationship was very promising when it began, until your doubts about him and his previous pattern of ending relationships by starting up a new one before ending the old one.
I've observed that some people cope with a relationship ending by lining up a Plan B person, waiting in the wings. Based on your post, this sounds like Marc. Other people, you fall into this category, tend to commit fully to a relationship and do not contemplate finding a new person until the current partnership has completely ended.
Your comments about your self-esteem and getting jealous, insecure and controlling suggest to me that you need to work on this aspect of yourself. Perhaps you've been hurt in the past and this makes you tend to try to cling like a limpet to the man? If you're secure in your own desirability and personality and what YOU bring to the relationship, little niggly things that might bother some people wash off you like so much rain on a duck's back.
There's always a balancing act in any relationship. Someone will desire more closeness or displays of affection or protestations of undying love. Someone else believes that if you've told the partner that you love them, and do nothing to detract from that trust by looking outside the relationship for another romantically intimate contact, then you're doing well.
If you're miles apart, this is going to be a continuing source of conflict. If you're reasonably in sight of each other, and can live with a little less, or give a little more than you normally do, you've got something to work with.
At the risk of sounding like I'm bashing women, I think we women sometimes invest too much of ourselves in a relationship. We think that because we think of him 90% of the time, that he should be doing the same. The fact of the matter is that life is filled with relationships; at work, at home, with friends and family. No one person can fulfill every emotional need, and it's unrealistic to think that could be so. That's my personal opinion, feel free to disagree.
So I still think that you made a valid choice in ending it with this man that you could not trust. But I think it might be a good idea to get a little counseling to work on these areas of low self-esteem. Or figure out a game plan to address them. One book I've recommended, and it worked for me, "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills PhD. There might be something in there you can learn about yourself, and honestly, it couldn't hurt to read it.
So to take your mind off him for a while, I give you that homework assignment. And here you thought you were done with school work.
I'm sorry for your obvious sorrow and loneliness, but things CAN change and you CAN learn to cope with your feelings and you WILL find a guy who is right for you.
Best wishes.
A
female
reader, LouisaMatthews +, writes (24 June 2008):
LouisaMatthews is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhow do i stop myself from doubting my decision and turning things over and over in my head? I also feel sad, lost and lonely at being without him, not hearing his voice etc
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A
female
reader, LouisaMatthews +, writes (24 June 2008):
LouisaMatthews is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply Tisha- it's made me feel better about things. Sometimes I just need someone to reassure me that I am doing the right thing as my self-esteem is so low it's like as though I don't trust my own decisions.
When I met this man I had a very low self-esteem was wasn't very happy with my life. In fact, I hadn't been happy with my life for a long time. I was fed-up with being single and living on my own. Also my friends can be really unreliable and sometimes say they are going to do something then drop out at last minute. I'd also had a few rejections of men (who probably sensed desperation from me) and when Marc came along, it was like an oasis in a dessert; cos not only was I really attracted to him, he was ACTUALLY really into me. I guess that's why i ignored my gut instincts when I found out about the other girl.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 June 2008):
I think you probably did the right thing, based on the way things were going between you two. You'd lost the trust, and you would have spent the rest of the relationship watching him like a hawk. Not the best or most romantic way of spending time.
The string of his relationships ending after a few years, with him cheating right near the end, doesn't bode well to me. To me, it indicates a man who cuts and runs when things start to go sour, rather than sticking around and fixing them. Now, of course, we could have this all wrong, and the women cheated on him first, thus driving him to cheating, but I don't know.
I don't think you could have had a comfortable or trusting relationship after all these revelations. One of these individual things, maybe, but the combination is just too worrying for you.
Dads can be pretty smart too....
So don't second guess this. Learn from it and work on the jealousy, insecurity and controlling behavior in the next relationship. Find one worth your trust and you may find yourself much more relaxed and much less worried.
Take care.
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