A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have been seeing a guy for 2-3 years now, on and off. our relationship has been very rocky. lots of fighting, arguing and breaking up over silly things. we care an incredible deal for eachother adn love eachother very much but find that our relationship is also very exhausting (though we continue to do it). recently, however, a very large fight occurred and i am confused on how i should handle the sitation.during one break, i went on one date with a not-so-close friend/acquaintance of his. We had a good time but nothing ever came of it, as i didnt feel a connection and he was moving far away in a few months time. Our interactions became just friendly (occasional emails on 'how have you been' over 2 months time). After my boyfriend and i got back together, i told him about the date with his friend and that nothing came of it but that i'd appreciate if he didnt say anything as him and I are also just friends now. The information seemed to irritate him slightly but he let it go.Recently, while my boyfriend and i have been trying to work things out, his friend asked if i'd like to grab coffee or do something. I told him that would be fun. Our plans were not definite but i told my boyfriend that i planned on inviting this friend and male friend #2 out with me and my girlfriends the next night. He was not happy about it and we argued about it until early the next day when he was fine with dropping it. However, by this time my plans had changed and i was unable to go out and had some work to do. His friend told me he would be happy to meet for coffee at a local barnes and nobles that i would be doing some work at. i told him this would be fine. i never told my boyfriend that my plans had changed and i also never told him that i never did speak to male friend #2 about also coming out with my girlfriends and i. Thus, it was only this one friend of his that i would be having coffee with. My boyfriend found out about our plans to have coffee after he called his friend and told him that we were trying to work things out once again (just to claim his territory so to speak), which no one knew about because it was very recent and unpublic news. To him, i lied about having plans with 2 people when i only had plans with 1. i did lie..but at the time i had the intention of inviting both men in a group situation and when my plans changed i did not tell him because i did not want him to get even more mad. Though he knows i have no feelings for this friend of his, nor does he think i would cheat on him, he thinks he will be unable to forgive me for lying. he has given me an ultimatum: i do what it take to make this right by living/accepting that i have doen soemthing terribly wrong OR I can give up and not try to make our relationship work anymore. my question is...Did I do something terribly wrong by lying when I know I did not have bad intentions? and if so, what can i do to fix this so that it does not haunt my relationship as i think it will?
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female
reader, elsie  +, writes (3 April 2007):
 very very confusing.you sound quite slapdash about the effect this has all had on your fella.the situation with the this other guy should really have ground to a halt if you had good honest intentions of getting back with your fella.what was the attraction with going out with this other man if you wound up having to lie??you are in a trial period of trying to make things work with your man.you arent properly back together and you tell him a group of guys and girls are going out for the night.no wonder your fella was upset.he cares about you and must have seen this a threat.surely you can put yourself in his shoes and get that??also i dont blame him for calling this other guy and telling him of his plans to get back together.perhaps this is what you should have done.maybe you are just naive but can you honestly say youd be happy with him doing all of this to you???he has told this guy to butt out only for you to meet up with him again.i think you need to have a serious think about what it is YOU REALLY want.if you really care stop meeting other guys even if they are just friends and try and make it up to your fella and try and see it all from his pint of view.
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