A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I just broke up for what seems like such a stupid reason, so I need some advice on whether he is right (if so I need to remodel my thoughts) or I am right. I'm trying to keep it short and to the point. I was having a bad day, he said he would give me a call later. He didn't say why it had to be later. He asked when I'd go to bed, I said at latest midnight. It was midweek, I had no reason to believe he'd do anything but go to bed at his usual hour. He's very strict about when he goes to bed, at latest midnight. He didn't call, and I went to bed. Then at 2.30 in the morning he texts me asking if it is too late to call. He gave no explanation to why it had gotten that late.We fought over this the next day. I asked him why it had gotten that late. He had gone out on town with friends and his ex, whom I can't stand because she's been clingy, and I had suspicions he isn't over her. He had promised he is over her and I am more important to him, and Ive been working to get over it and trust him. Then instead of calling me or telling me he can't make it to call me, he decides to go out on town with HER! He never goes out otherwise, I haven't seen him out on town for years and years. He hates going out. Yet he did it when she was there, rather than call me. He could have just called then gone back to the party, or just sent a text telling me it'd get too late to call!I said I would have liked to know he went out, and he accused me of being controlling, asked if he needs to "rapport" to me, if I need his daily schedule and so on. Basically he thinks he's in the right not to tell me anything about his plans because they didn't concern me, and he's free to do what he wants without needing to inform me about anything. Fine, but in this case if I had known he was going out on town I wouldn't have agreed to calling later if that would be in the middle of the night. I had assumed he meant he'd call before bedtime, and I think if something else was the case he should have told me! Especially I feel so hurt because he chose to hang out with her, at a club when he hates to go out, rather than call his girl like he said he would because I was having a bad day and alone at home. He thinks I am in the wrong for assuming he'd go to bed at midnight like always. He said it was my own responsibility to ask what he was up to if I wanted to know, rather than him "reporting" his activities to me.So, I think it is normal to inform your girlfriend that you are going out on town rather than giving her a call. He thinks that when he said he'd call me later that means 2.30 in the morning is okay to call, because "later" doesn't mean before this or that time, and that there was no need for him to tell me that he went out and would stay up that late. What's the right thing, am I asking for too much when I think he should have informed me about his plans? And did he put going out with his ex before me, or what, because it sure feels that way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): Hey, it's me again who wrote this. I had a much calmer talk with him yesterday and things were cleared up a lot! So thank you all! I do have insecurities when it comes to this other girl, but I am working on that and it is calming down. Due to the insecurities I misunderstood the situation, and due to him not communicating to me what actually happened that night. We were both in the wrong, he said he should have told me what was going on and not accuse me of needing rapports, and I know I should have just asked him what was going on, without filling in the blanks with the worst-case-scenario. What actually happened that night was not that he went out partying with friends and the ex, which is what I had thought. What happened was that his friends were drinking and then asked him if he could drive them to town, because he hadn't been drinking (which is a relief), and he was supposed to just drop his friends off to where this girl was. Then his friends said they'd only be 30 minutes and asked if he could wait around, and he waited, and then 30 minutes ended up as an hour and so on. And he was feeling uncomfortable being out at the club and everything, because he really doesn't like going out at all... We're still not sure where to go from here, other than work on trust and communication and then see what happens. He's feeling so bad about it all that he says I deserve someone much better than him. But I know it was my fault as well, especially I have my insecurities to blame.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): "I don't think he knows how much it upsets me, not that he still meets her occasionally, but that he sort of "hides" this from me."
On the contrary, I think he knows exactly how much it upsets you otherwise he wouldn't be hiding it from you.
let's face it. He wants to stay in some contact with her. He has already significantly cut back on the amount of contact, to please you. But he does want to retain some. I think it's not your place to demand that he have zero contact with her. But because that is what you're essentially wanting and starting arguments about it, he hides it from you now so as to not make you upset which makes his life unhappy.
I think you need to accept that he wants to keep her in his life as a friend, and it's not your place to tell him who he can and can't be friends with. He has - in your own words - reduced the "overwhelming contact" and the midnight texts with her so that should show that he is making effort to put your relationship first. If you can learn to be OK with this and trust him while fully accepting that he does still want to be friends with her, then I think you'll feel better overall.
if you want to be informed on his whereabouts and who he's spending time with, well I think that's something that you have to deal with on your own because this is an insecurity issue. If you were less uptight about this (to him at least, inside you can feel however you want but just don't make it into his problem too), then he wouldn't be as likely to want to hide things from you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): Hey, me again. He definitely did KNOW she would be there. I knew she would, his friends knew she would, he knew she would. His friends had plans to meet her that night and his friends were telling him about it while I was in the same room, so I knew. But when his friends told him they were going out the friend didn't ask if he'd come to, and my boyfriend did say he might join, nothing at all. He hates to go out so I naturally assumed he wouldn't. I don't see why he thinks this is so weird when he's never gone out much (last time was years ago like I said, I've gone out on town with his friends even without him tagging along!).
I was invited to stay and play a board game with them that evening, which according to plans would be before going out. But I was feeling down that day like I said and wasn't up for it. The girl was supposed to come play the board game but wasn't coming after all, which is why I at all considered staying to play (but was too tired after all). My boyfriend was according to plans when he last spoke to me, just going to play the game with them, and then the friends would head out on town to meet the girl.
He knows how uncomfortable she makes me but doesn't seem to understand exactly why. But he stopped the overwhelming contact with her, stopped texting her back in the middle of the night and stopped going on his facebook, because she was always on him on fb as well. So he has calmed the contact down, and stopped talking about her since I said it made me very upset that he would talk about her almost as if comparing me to her (telling me how much in love he was with her etc). So it's stopped and I've tried to move on from it since then, and try to see what he does now rather than remember the old things.
But then things like these happen which brings back all the old pain. The girl KNOWS that I am uncomfortable with her, I deleted her from my friendslist and I directly told her that she is flirting with him and that it bothers me, but she pretended to be a friend and said "I know how that feels" and sent me a heart in a text. Then continued her communication with him and late night texts and flirting. So I don't trust her at all, I think she's having a laugh at my expense. She is a fake who pretended to be a friend with me, but a real friend doesn't try to steal your boyfriends attention.
I don't think he knows how much it upsets me, not that he still meets her occasionally, but that he sort of "hides" this from me. I feel like I am in the dark, but I can't ask him to tell me when he meets her either. And to be honest, I was upset about him contacting me at 2.30 AM before I knew anything about him going out and hanging with her, that part was just the last straw. I was upset to begin with because he prioritized something else over calling me, and if this something else was important he could have told me so and agreed to call the next morning. But I wasn't even worth that, from my point of view. But I see from his point of view he didn't think 2.30 AM was too late, and when he said he'd call me later he honestly thought I would understand that could mean.. apparently any time through the night. So next time, if there ever is a next time, we HAVE to be more specific when communicating.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 December 2011):
 I would sit him down and tell him how it made you feel. From what you write and his "thing" with the ex ( I don't know what else to call it) I would say he isn't over her. And not letting you know he's going out with friends (and her) and even giving you a chance to tag along, seems really odd considering he doesn't like to go out that much. He already KNEW when he called you that he was going out. He might not have known that SHE would be there. So I can't say that he put her before you.
In the future I would tell him, if you can't call before bedtime, call me in the morning. There is no point in having a big old fight in the middle of the night, nothing will be resolved, know what I mean? It almost seems like he called you at 2.30 am, to pick a fight with you or to get you mad enough to break up with him.
I'm not a fan of "dictating" whom a partner/bf/husband can talk to and whom they can't, but I do find that exs tend to mud the waters. They bring old crap into the relationship that has absolutely nothing to do with that relationship.
But as far as the ex goes, she is an EX. You are his GF now, so I really wouldn't waste too much time fussing over her. I would however not have the patience to have to "share" my man with an clingy ex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): I think you have to decide for yourself if you are willing to be with someone who has no problem knowingly upsetting you and causing distrust. Your boyfriend knew you would be upset and didn't inform you beforehand because it could have stood in the way of him going out on the town with his ex. You are now left with this unpleasant knowledge and to tell him how to behave and how to report to you doesn't erase that truth. You can't make someone more committed, love you more, or respect you more by explaining how you are right in a given situation or explaining to them how to love you and commit to you more...a man either has both feet in the relationship or he doesn't and acts accordingly. It's not something you argue or talk your way into with him.I would drop the subject and do some thinking on your own about what you are willing to settle for in a relationship. If your boyfriend is breaking those standards then you move on. Your standards aren't something you convince another person of or attempt to get another person to conform to or you'll always get resentment and secrecy in response. Your boyfriend is obviously not on the same page as you and no amount of cramming down his throat your version of a commitment will change that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): Thank you for your answers, they have helped to calm me down. I think hpoco made me realize that it is okay that he wanted to meet his ex. But that him wanting to meet her doesn't mean he wants to be with her. It's just so hard when I've been struggling with her since the first months of entering this relationship, as she was clingy, texting him all the time, and was telling me how I kept him away from her (implying that she used to get all his attention), and he also spoke very warmly of her whereas I never mentioned my exes. I also am not friends with any of my exes.
I think I felt that he chose her over me because he chose to not call me, and instead go out on town. It was so odd that he did that, but ok, he is a free man and allowed to change his plans. That's ok. I also see that I assumed he would be home while I should have just asked him instead. He should have told me he went out, but I talked to some other friends of mine and thought about it, and I think from a guys point of view he thought I wouldn't mind him not telling me. Because he thought, honestly, it'd be okay to call me at 2.30 in the morning. And that just because to me it is logical that 2.30 is too late to call someone, to him that wasn't necessarily so, and he did indeed text me to ask if he could call. So he had the intention of calling, and not putting his ex before me.. in his mind anyway.
Communication is the key, but I don't know if this has permanently ruined things. I find it difficult to trust him, and he gets hurt because I don't trust him. I will talk to him again about this, just to clear the air, but don't know if I should try to give this another chance (if he wants to as well). Maybe this can't be fixed. We love each other, but it's so difficult to communicate without hurting each other.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (2 December 2011):
 Well i still think you should sit down and talk with him, tell him that this situation has hurt you and explain that you're worried about this ex gf. Hopefully he'll listen and you two can talk like adults.
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A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (2 December 2011):
 He was not right, he is being kind of ridiculous. Based on what you said, it sounds like he does not normally behave this way. But, sometimes guys are a bit ridiculous, especially when it come to their sense of "freedom". Every once in a while, I think men feel the need to exercise their "freedom" in a relationship. Its idiotic, but they do it. You are probably right, he did want to see his ex. But, the question you have to ask yourself is why do you think he wanted to see her. Do you honestly think he is not over her, or he prefers her to you? I get the impression he does prefer you, and that you believe that he does. Its natural to be curious about exes I think, and to want to see them or speak to them from time to time. It doesn't mean he was trying to sleep with her or start things back up with her again. You need to trust him a little, and try to define what you believe when it comes to his relationship with his ex.You started this off by saying that the whole thing is stupid. I would go with that instinct and try to make up with him. Tell him that from now on you will ask what he is doing, I think its a good habit to have anyway. And tell him that while you don't expect him to "report" to you, that you would appreciate knowing what is going on in his life. And just try to let it go as best as you can. And if you honestly don't think anything is going on between him and his ex, then tell him you trust him. Reassure him that you know he loves you. Its important that he knows you believe him. Good luck to you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): If everything went down as you said it did, you're in the right.As a guy, I hate clingy, attached-at-the-hip-type women, but if I knew my girlfriend was having a bad day, I would have dropped by to see her (assuming you don't live too far lol) or at least talked to her over the phone. And even if I got last-min plans, I probably would have let her know whats up instead of just silence. I wouldn't like to 'check-in' with her over menial things like, getting food or going to the library, but if I was going out at night I would let her know - if anything, just in case something happened, someone would know. You're best bet for this situation? Give some time to cool down, then try talking about it - but don't make it seem like you're nagging. Doing so would just make him think he's more right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): Hey, it's me who wrote this. It wasn't innocent, he never goes out on town like I said, ever. He hates it. His friends go out often, but he's never followed along with them, the last time I can remember he ever went out was years ago. And his friends were going with this girl, and he knew about it, I knew about it too. They had it planned, and he didn't at any point give me reason to believe he was going with. His plans did change yes, and I think it's only polite to tell me rather than let me sit and believe he's at home going to bed as usual. At least tell me he won't make it to call me rather than assume that I will be available to talk at 2.30 in the morning. I do have trust issues when it comes to this girl, and asked him not long ago if he'd pick her over me and he said no, yet last night he did just that, he picked hanging out with her over a simple phone call to me, which makes me think he isn't over her and I will always just come second in his mind.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (2 December 2011):
This is simply a lack of communication between you two. You're both wrong here...
You just ASSUMED he would be going to bed around midnight, but his plans changed.
Yes, he should really have let you know that his plans had changed and that he was going out instead, without you having to ask.
This probs still would have upset you, as you were having a bad day, but it doesn't mean he chose his ex over you, he may have just really wanted a night out with his friends and she tagged along without him knowing about it. It may be totally innocent.
He may have contacted you late (2:30am) but at least he did contact you to ask to speak to you!
Sounds like you have trust issues that you both need to work through to be honest. Sit and talk to each other, communicate more and you won't feel so edgy, and he won't look at you as a controlling person.
Good luck :)
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