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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am so confused! I need some advice as to what is going on here. My boyfriend (early 20's and possibly has ADD - this has a strong bearing on the way he communicates and acts, ie not very well at all and inappropriately at times) and I (31) split up tonight. The last time I saw him we went out for dinner with friends and I felt out of sorts (recently I have been thinking about the time I was assaulted 8 yrs ago; I was hit by an old school friend’s gf). I basically don’t talk to men when their girlfriends are around in case I get attacked again so that evening I was really quiet (irrational I know). My boyfriend made a few comments about me being quiet (I haven’t told him about the assault so he just thinks I am rude) and I heard nothing from him for nearly 2 weeks. We both can’t stand confrontation so things didn’t get resolved.I have known him since he was born but we didn’t become close friends until the beginning of the year around the time he was breaking up with his ex-fiancee. I helped and supported him through all of this but I didn’t tell him my feelings because I knew how devastated he was about his ex and I didn’t want to confuse him. He asked me to be his girlfriend in August but I needed time to think and in September I said yes. Things were going well up until November, up until the point where we had sex . He withdrew half way through and afterwards said he wasn’t sure if he loved me or not and how amazing his ex was. I could have dealt with that any time other than then but I started to have doubts from that time on. We both totally freaked out and there was no contact for 4 days. I only think he contacted me because his Mum nagged him. Anyway, after that we seemed to start getting back on track but the mixed signals started again. He was always wanting to see me and making plans for us next year and asking to meet my mates but at the same time he would ignore me when we went out. Several times he asked me to kiss him but when I did he would withdraw. It got to the point where he mentioned how attractive other girls were but wasn’t even looking at me (yet tonight he was saying how he would never have been unfaithful to me because he has had it done to him; he said this to me before we went out together but when we did go out together he suggested that he could have these other girls if he wanted to).I am hugely disappointed that as we faced our first obstacle he bailed out and didn’t ask me what was going on in my life. He told me that he really liked me but that he couldn’t offer me what I wanted (I think he means support and intimacy) and he doesn’t want to be with anyone right now. He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship where he had to fit me in around other commitments and just wanted to be able to do things as and when he wanted (even though I never ever stopped him from doing what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it; in fact I encouraged him!). He says he isn’t interested in anyone else, but he has been doing alot of thinking lately and he says although he doesn’t want to be with his ex, he needs to resolve some issues with her. Was I the rebound girl? Did he just use me for sex and then lose interest? He said his Mum had told him that I really liked him and I think it freaked him out rather. He told me not to wait for him and to go out with other men, but when I mentioned other men that were interested in me he started telling me reasons why I shouldn’t go out with them!!!What is even weirder is that now we have split up he is desparate to stay in contact with me and be friends!!! He said he was worried about losing me - he knows I have never been able to stay friends with ex’s. He is now making tons of plans for me to be in his life just like when we were bf/gf but we aren’t!!! He has talked about us going out to a nightclub and yet when I went with him last time I got the impression he wanted to get rid of me. He has even got me a Christmas present. I haven’t got him anything because I didn’t think we’d be seeing each other ever again!!! He said it felt weird splitting up with me because he didn’t feel sad about it (the ADD lack of tact!!!) but I think I know what he meant though!!! He even gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek which he hadn’t done for a while. He’s gone back to the lovely man I know and love (and looking at me too!). I now feel more like his girlfriend than when we were going out together!!!! Why is this?? Is he feeling guilty? Is he still interested in me??In hindsight, I think we went out together too soon and definitely too soon after the break up of his previous relationship.It is very easy to label him a jerk, but I genuinely think he is totally and utterly messed up right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): Wow! I'm sorry but i think this guy has mental issues way and beyond anything you can do or say to help. If i was you i would run like hell. The ADD cannot be helping but do you really need this kind of cr*p all during your life? I don't think so. You do seem to be the 'rebound' girl and that is never good. I think you need to keep away from him and forget the bits he has to say, gradually keep him out of your life. I don't think you two can ever really be just friends either. Please walk away for you sanity alone.
Take care and Merry Christmas
xx
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