A
male
age
41-50,
*asKiddo
writes:Hi. I've been married to my wife for almost 3 years, together for about 6. We are both in our late twenties.When I met her she was the most lovely, charming, sexy woman I'd ever met and we're were deeply in love within days of our first date. Besides having a bunch of fun together, our physical chemistry was amazing. Problem is, right after the initial month, things dropped off a cliff sexually and has been unsatisfactory ever since. And I'm talking maybe once or twice a month cliff. The sexy, fun, giving girl I fell in love with has never returned. The first 3 years of our relationship were awful in that department. Though the last 3 years have slowly produced a return to at least having sex on a semi-regular basis, it's far far different and less frequent. Further complicating these matters are health problems that she's been experiencing, that have been undiagnosable that leave her tired and irritable all the time. The thing is- if she chose to turn it on, she'd have me in a heartbeat. She's still a beautiful woman. I've approached the situation in multiple ways- open honest discussion about my feelings, positive reinforcement, etc. all to no avail. Our talks have approached everything from shouting matches to mature but crazy discussions about us having an open relationship. We still have sex very infrequently and when we do I'm satisfied. Besides this problem which I've lived with for the past number of years, a new development has made me decide to post.The problem is though I love my wife, I'm starting to feel attracted to other women. I've always noticed beautiful women. But it feels different. Nothing has progressed beyond flirting. I haven't cheated. Haven't kissed. Haven't gotten anyone's digits. But I've noticed the desire within me to want to be with other women when I'm out and about. To want them to find me attractive. And it's seeming to get stronger. This is scary to me because I'm being satiated at a very base level, but feel horribly guilty. I've always been a flirty guy but more in a harmless way, but lately, I feel a difference the last couple of months. Even my wife noticed and said I was making eyes at a girl last time we were out together. It really hurt her feelings. I'm trying to figure out what to do. My dad cheated on my mom. I don't want to go down that path. I love my wife.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): Is it possible that your wife was faking passion when you first met and that in reality she doesn't really enjoy sex? This used to be considered a very common problem with women several generations ago and may be still true today, but women hide it now because sexual prowess has become so highly valued. Is it possible that when she relaxed and became comfortable and felt "safe" with you, she stopped pretending?
Having said that, I agree with the others that you and your wife need to run, not walk, to a counselor who is skilled in this area and can offer some help. The possibility that your wife may have been sexually abused but hasn't shared this with you may be the problem. Many, many women have been sexually abused as children.
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. You seem like a very kind and loving man. If you were my son, I would be very upset to think you were having these problems.
A
male
reader, DasKiddo +, writes (27 April 2009):
DasKiddo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have discussed it with her multiple times, but unfortunately, too many discussions on the subject make her depressed and even less likely to want to do anything. I've found the best way to approach sex with her is to not pressure her at all and wait til she feels comfortable. I've become very good at being patient. Unfortunately, that is not frequently. Going to a therapist has been discussed and researched but we've held off because of the expense and the economy.
I have no idea if she would actually want me to sleep with another woman. She's brought it up and as I said we've had some very mature, honest discussions about it. She's thought about it a lot apparently. Our consensus when we left off is that if we met the right girl she might not care.
You've twice brought up that we've only been married 3 years like it invalidated my feelings on the matter. I don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling right now. I've never been married before. And I worry because we're a young and attractive couple. We don't have many responsibilities aside from our house, and no kids. If we're having these problems now, I worry how it's going to be when we have kids and a way more involved home lifestyle.
If I don't feel like my wife is attracted to me now- when I actually am attractive- how is it going to be when my belly is hanging over my belt?
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A
male
reader, DasKiddo +, writes (27 April 2009):
DasKiddo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not planning on cheating on my wife. The problem is that until recently I've never had to deal with any desire to do so, and I'm finding those feelings very discomforting. I love my wife. I married her because I love her. But do the sex love and marriage have to be mutually exclusive?
In the past, I have been and have tried to very supportive of her. I guess my question is: what happens if you simply don't get enough of what you need from a person? What happens if she's trying as hard as she can and you are trying as hard as you can and you just won't ever match up without one person having to bend too much? Our sexual rhythms are so drastically different. She's even mentioned on multiple occasions about letting me sleep with other girls to fulfill those needs. Her suggestion not mine, though she could be just feeling around to gauge my level of interest. Weird things is, I feel like as long as I kept being her best friend and confidant, and she was secure that she was the #1 lady in my life- I think she'd actually be relieved.
One poster hit it on the head. Ever since my wife realized that she loved me and that I loved her, our sex life changed. It was almost exactly that moment. She does not connect sex and love whatsoever. Her words not mine. She's said recently that she doesn't feel like she has to "perform" for me the way we did when she first met. And she's said on multiple occasions that she doesn't feel like she has to worry about me cheating on her.
It's been flat out frustrating because I'm a good looking guy, and I keep myself in good shape. Weirdly enough though, since the time she saw me "making eyes" with someone else, I've noticed that my wife is teasing me a little more, and presumably making a little more of an effort. This confuses me even more.
Is it possible that she has to have a little jealousy and competition to find me desirable?
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A
female
reader, cattyfatty  +, writes (27 April 2009):
it can be difficult to know what is missing in the relationship when things seem ok, but there can be void and u may only realise this when ur with other women and realise that ur attracted to them. I dont think u should cheat on ur partner, but i suggest taking a break from ur relationship and trying out new people and seeing whether ur happy with them theres no point staying in a relationship just to be nice and courteous and PC, at the end of the day u only get 1 life and u might aswel share it with people who u really wana be with, u could be the kinda person who goes through lotsa people, theres nothing wrong with that, people change and as we change our current partner may not be satisfying our new needs so u might need another partner who fits more with the changed you. Dont just stay with them out of convenience, be with people who make u really happy but make sure u finish the previous relationships first, im not condoning cheating!! hOPE U GET ON OK AND REPORT BACK
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (27 April 2009):
 Your wife's health is at risk...you should be considering what it would be like were she to find out that you had cheated. In no way shape or form is cheating EVER an option.Be a real man and seek marriage counseling as soon as the opportunity presents itself. Give your wife the respect she deserves by working on your marriage rather than considering going outside of it. You cant fix whats wrong with your marriage unless you are commited to it.
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A
female
reader, howcomehoney  +, writes (26 April 2009):
 You obviously love your wife, and she loves you. You have the foundation for a good relationship here. Don't go a-roving just yet.What is at the root of her waning sexual desire? Is it her health? Or is that an excuse for something else? Why don't you two go and see a therapist together, or else maybe she could go alone if there are sensitive issues for her to deal with.If she's not comfortable with full sex, set some boundaries together. For the moment, limit it to things like massages, taking baths together, or just snuggling up together watching a movie. Take the pressure off her a little. She is probably very aware of your feelings and feels bad about frustrating and disappointing you. If the pressure is off, she will lighten up. If she knows that it's just a massage and stops there (don't press her to go further afterwards!), she will be more open to initiating physical contact with you.Is she affectionate towards you in other ways? Is she physically comfortable with you? These are all important factors. Sex isn't the be-all and end-all.It's normal that you want to have a full sex life with her. It's frustrating and depressing when the person you love doesn't want to sleep with you. Try not to take it personally. I know it's an easy thing to say, and not so easy to go through with, but really - if she's having issues here, chances are that it has a lot more to do with her than it does with you.Don't cheat on her. If you do, this will break any trust she could have in you. You love your wife, and she's worth it. It might be an effort to go through with it, but in the end, which is more important: meaningless sex with a stranger, or a satisfying, loving relationship which just needs a little work?Take a look around and find yourselves a therapist. Your relationship is worth it.
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A
female
reader, Lil Mack +, writes (26 April 2009):
 A roaming eye can be very hurtful to a woman, especially when she is having other issues and it seems she is insecure about something. Honestly, I don't understand why you married if she wasn't the woman you fell in love with.I know from experience what you are going through from a slightly different perspective. My boyfriend who was married cheated on his wife with me although he loved his wife very much. He was not getting sex from his wife either, but that is not the reason he had the affair and eventually left his wife.As we were friends first we talked about his situation. I used to tell him things to do with her to spark her and ignite a flame inside her but as we realized later she just refused to see that it was effecting their relationship and said that she put in the time with him and didn't have to anymore.What we found out is that what he was missing was passion. She had no passion for him and he eventually had no passion for her; regardless of genuinely loving each other. For a couple to stay together there has to be passion. Passion is what drives us in everything we do. If you have passion for your job, you are happy to get up in the morning, give 110%, and usually are very successful. This is the same in a relationship. Once the passion for each other is gone, usually it doesn't come back and there isn't much hope of the relationship working.I wonder these things about your wife. Way back in the beginning, did she cheat on you? I almost wonder if she has feelings for someone else and has had those feelings for a long time. I wonder, has your wife gained weight. This can lead to being tired and to low self-esteem making her not want to have sex because she doesn't feel sexy. (Have her doctor check her thyroid. I had this problem and since it effects hormones this could be a huge problem but could also help her) I wonder, is your wife dedicated to work? Some women can't share themselves between work and family. It's one or the other she is passionate for. There may be pressure at work especially if she is in a mainly male dominated field. The last thing I wonder is if she was in any way abused as a young child, teenager, or young adult? This could also explain her amazing charm and attraction to you as she was desiring attention or affection. This would also explain her staying with you but pulling back sexually with you.Don't post any of that back on here. Only you know your wife. If you don't know these things about her or she gets angry or refused to talk to you about any of them, then you most likely have found a good indicator of the problem.Remember one thing. You have needs to and even though you love your wife, if she is unwilling to communicate with you without it becoming a screaming match and willing to be more concerned for your feelings, desires, and needs than I hate to say it but she may not love you very much or at all. Especially if the last question I asked is true. Help her as best you can, but you cannot suffer in silence and it is not fair to you to not have your basic human desires and needs met. Don't cheat because it doesn't work out for anybody and it only causes more hurt to all involved.If you cannot work it out then you probably may need to consider therapy, separating, or even divorce. I wish you all the best and hope it works out. Embrace and love her, but love yourself too.
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