A
female
age
41-50,
*ella75
writes:I have had a very traumatic 2017. Traumatic by my standards and believe me, I am not a drama queen ! I was married in an abusive marriage in Asia, left that, went abroad to study and now live in the UK for the last 12 years. I was married again but he turned out to be an alcoholic and I was divorced again last year. I joined a new job last year where my boss was very sexist and I was never included in the clique as I wasn’t white or married to anyone white. They made that pretty obvious and I had shingles due to the stress levels. I have finally resigned from that job but am still unwell and angry at how I was treated. I still don’t feel well... am dizzy and have stomach issues. When I was unwell, my ex came to look after me. I didn’t hurt him and we’re still friends. On the personal front, I did date but didn’t meet anyone. I had an affair with a married man in 2014 and did love him as I was going through so much but I did leave that last year. He came back this year and still talks about having a child like he always did. I know it’s wrong and I won’t do that to his wife but somewhere deep down, I want the attention. I don’t want the baby though as a child needs both parents. I told him today that we can’t resume the affair .. and cried my heart out. I am not able to get over how crap my life has been. I am 42 years old and completely lost. For a good few months, I contemplated going back to the married man... what is wrong with me? Why do I feel like such a loser? Where do I begin to rebuild my life? I have tried dating but don’t meet anyone nice... and most men want younger women for a family anyways. Thank you for your advice.
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (30 November 2017):
 First and foremost, you need to get your health in order. That is and should be your number one priority because when you start feeling better, you will start looking better and looking at life in a more positive way.
It´s not easy going through what you´ve been through but I say that you´ve given everyone else too much of you... how about giving yourself back to yourself?
Don´t worry about dating for now even though I get how lonely you must be feeling. As you say, you´re craving attention but do you know that you don´t even pay yourself enough attention as is? try taking yourself to the doctor and get some counselling to help cope with how your life has turned out so far because you seem somewhat depressed with how life has treated you. Try starting and maintaining an exercise routine even if you take a slow walk for 30 minutes a day; it will be a good start. Try to drink loads of water and also get plenty of sleep. Develop a daily routine in which you get stuff done that you normally just wouldn´t do even if that means getting out of bed and having a shower and then treating yourself to a wholesome breakfast (diet is important when you aren´t feeling well).
Surround yourself with people who care about you and want to see you well enough to grow and more importantly; give yourself the space and the time that you will need to accomplish your goals. Start off small so that you don´t overwhelm yourself and become even more ill.
All these steps are worth a try if you want to get back to being healthy and happy.
Your health is your wealth.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 November 2017):
 I agree with Andie.
You need to focus on your health, wellbeing and getting a job you can handle.
Dating can come later. Once you are in a healthy state and state of mind. That way you have more chance of the relationship being a HEALTHIER one as well.
You know having an affair with a married man is NOT a good thing. Not for you and not for his family. Don't ignore common sense.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (29 November 2017):
 I think your priority should be your health and employment, not dating. There's no point dating if you have nothing else keeping you going.
Find a new job. Find a new hobby. Perhaps see a therapist or charity for people who need support. Then, once things have settled, start dating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2017): I want to say this as a non judge mental person but to help you rebuild ur life as well as your future - I am a woman and I am from a culture similar to urs
1. You have a lot of insecurity issues - anyone that has taken abuse has those and they manifest into. Life of their own - they make u a person that either gives it back or forever takes it (my mother takes it out on us - her husband did it to her)
2. You want to get married and put too much pressure on urself - so with fear like myself u start running towards men that are the same - different faces same disregard and disrespect
3. Your bitter and that anger and bitterness of what has happened has caused u to go and destroy other lives- married men and attention
You know what is right deep down so stop - people die at 25 at 30 and at 80 so stop racing against time and stop comparing ur life to this person and that person . Stop idealizing marriage and thinking of it as an ideal escape
Get up and make a change - find peace by slowly stopping these abusive men - habits thoughts
Even if u get married and have a kid you will transfer it to your child like my mother did to me
Who cares what time/society says - trust me I come from a similar culture and place
Get busy - find something that ur passionate about beaides men and money and external appearance
If you are spiritual talk to god and ask for help I know he hears you especially when things are hard
Stop with that men that is married you’ll be 52 and doing this again
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