A
female
age
36-40,
*slaBonita
writes:I had a 4-year "friends with benefits" relationship with a man.We were supposed to be looking for someone else at the same time we were being friends and having sex. It came as a shock when he announced the break up as we were doing so well, and feeling pretty good in each other's company.After about 6 months, I asked him to get back together and we did, this time supposedly for a real relationship, for something serious.After another year, we again are feeling very good together, at least from my point of view. So far, so good. Yesterday I told him about a (girl)friend of mine who brough a man friend in her house when her boyfriend was absent (they live together). The boyfriend did not like the visit during his absence. I suggested that they meet in a neutral place next time. My... boyfriend agreed that when two people live together, it's not correct, if you are a girl, to welcome a man's visit in her boyfriend's absence (and vice versa). But this doesn't apply to us because we don't live together.So if I hear a neighbour say "Hey yesterday I saw your boyfriend bring a woman into the house", I should brush it off and not mind, because, as he says, this doesn't necessarily lead to an affair, it can be something innocent. I specify that:1. I made it clear that he can invite his girl friends anytime, anywhere, outside in a neutral place, like a cofeteria, or for pizza, whatever. But not in his home. Where there is a bed. Where we often meet.2. I know that it's not correct to hold his affair against him indefenitely, and I am NOT doing that. I think once we are together that should be left in the past. I have flashbacks sometimes for a very short bit, I think it's normal (the affair is more or less recent), and I deal with them on my own, precisely because I think one should not be made to pay for a mistake indefinitely.3. I am very reasonable. I am very open minded. I never forbade him to have friends of the opposite gender. Actually I think I am great a person - and a great lover for who likes my style: caring, protective, I don't know how good I am at sex but I have a very healthy appetite, good listener, very reliable, like going out etc.4. I reminded him that 6 years ago, when we were just friends, and he had a relationship, we had a walk in the park just like friends. He told me to not write in the Internet about our meeting, because he didn't want problems in his relationship. And his girlfriend's mother once saw us..just walking together like friends and he didn't like that we were seen. He basically wanted to protect his relationship and didn't want to send the wrong message at home. We were at the time honestly just friends.I want to see that care that I saw then, about being careful to not send the wrong messages, being protective about the relationship. He has a friend who moved in with her boyfriend and he told me something like: "I have to be careful with the frequency of calling her or etc. so that I don't generate tension in that relationship."This is a big deal for me, that he would bring a girl "just to talk", in the house that we, the two of us, often meet. I am disappointed that he would do that.Today I told him, let's go back to being "friends with benefits" and you could bring whomever you want in your house then. His answer: "No, because I want you all for me".This is crazy. Before the affair happened, I was such a lovely sweetheart, I did never once in 4 years cross the boundaries of the FWB thing, I went with the flow and the rules and lived for the moment, never questioning or controlling even once, one bit. But I am NOT to be taken for a fool in a serious relationship, once we settled for that.I want your honest opinions and please let the more experienced of you answer.I am 24 and he is 34.This is very important for me to hear experienced opinions. Thanks a billion.If you wonder what attracted me to him: he is a great speaker, engages into these talks/theories etc; he is a good friend. He likes frequent contact like I do, I am being called often and we talk, have a good time. I have a great time in bed too (I can't talk for him). He is also my first relationship, perhaps that's part of the reason why I am so... fond of him. I am his 10th or something.But I'm beginning to fear bringing such delicate subjects to the table because I am being negatively surprised. But it's a risk I am undertaking. Thank you for taking the time to answer. Any questions, please go ahead and ask. Thank you
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female
reader, IslaBonita +, writes (4 March 2012):
IslaBonita is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you very much, Janniepeg!I liked how you wrote that patience is a kind of love. Actually I am very romantic. Then again, there are lots of guys who will declare their undying love and so on, but their actions show the opposite. That's why I say, ok, I don't want love, but I want care and respect.He on the other hand said the best thing with me is he never felt so loved before.There are some things I don't want to negotiate and this is one. "You said you are both caring people so he should care about your feelings to regarding to sharing spaces with others. In general it's inappropriate to bring in the opposite sex to your own room once in a serious relationship" - I agree to what you say here.Well, I guess if I had love, I wouldn't say no to it. But I am really not going to have it with him at all.Just care and I am fine with that. You also can't make someone love you and I don't think he could love someone else either. He decided to close his heart so that's his problem. I on the other hand I feel good when I act lovingly, so I do what makes me feel good.But obviously I have other things from him that make me stay.And you are going to have a massive surprise. Because we had a nice dining out, talking and joking around, but I did not want to go to his place. Honestly I could not see myself going back to his place if we didn't agree on what was turning into a nasty deal breaker for me.So he turns around and says: he is not going to invite a female over without discussing it with me. And what if I don't agree, I ask. Then we'll find a way to make this work, I'll make sure you are also present. So I was like: why didn't you say this yesterday?He didn't admit that he changed his mind, and I didn't push for that. He said wrong interpretation. I am going to take this slow and easy in the future. But gosh it would help if he thought things through next time before he makes me so upset. He probably thought about it better and turned around and saw what was reasonable. Hopefully this isn't just words. Thank you!
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 March 2012):
 Do you not want love because you know he can't give it or you just don't want love? Do you wish he could love you later? Is he worth the wait? I know patience is a kind of love but without love something is missing. If he refuses to listen to you about not bringing a friend, then he is putting a barrier in the relationship. You said you are both caring people so he should care about your feelings to regarding to sharing spaces with others. In general it's inappropriate to bring in the opposite sex to your own room once in a serious relationship, at the same time I feel that without love, or loving later you can't really call that a serious relationship. You have allowed him his comfort zone he does not need a reason to love. Sorry but explain why you don't want love.
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A
female
reader, IslaBonita +, writes (4 March 2012):
IslaBonita is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the last poster (and thank you very much for answering):The so called "affair" was during our being FWB. It was not really an affair as we were not committed. Sorry for not making that clear. Like I said before, I felt betrayed because he did not tell me about it, *I* caught him. We were very close, good friends at the time, and I would have liked to be told about it. I felt betrayed as a friend, not as a lover. We weren't official lovers. We broke the FWB after I caught him.**** He is not having an affair right now according to him, but we were talking theoretically about bringing a female friend into the house and he said he would. Now that disturbed me. Just like you say: "I think that once you are in a serious relationship, you shouldn't be bringing home friends of the opposite sex if there is any potential for attraction"I think mostly nowadays the friendship is become blurred. For example I know a girl who cheated a lot. Each time she was questioned she said "but we are only good friends" and her pretext worked every single time and she was believed.Like I said, I am not to be taken for a fool.I think it's respectful to the current partner to know how to manage your friendships and to respect certain limits and not allow the boundaries of those friendship to become blurred. By bringing a female friend into your private intimate space, your home, in the absence of your partner, I think you are doing just that.* are you in general "closer" now than when you were FWB, i.e. sharing more of yourselves with each other, meeting each other's families, sharing more activities with each other? We were doing many things together before, since we both don't have many friends. He says we are closer now, and "have you not noticed the differences?" Well, I have not noticed much difference. He says he is more involved now, whatever that means. I see it as though we have a tag that says "serious relationship" and that's that. The care does exist, in the sense that he caresses me, he helps boiling the soup, he asks about my day, gives advice, like he did always. I've always been caring as well, and used to love him before. Now, I don't know but I don't think I feel love any more. As for him, he never loved me and I don't think he can allow himself to love anyone. * We changed from FWB to a serious thing because, I think, it was time to.I finished my studies, I have a good job; I've always been very mature, but now I have the context to go with that, I am in a good position for something serious. He probably acknowledged that.* "are you in general "closer" now than when you were FWB, i.e. sharing more of yourselves with each other, meeting each other's families, sharing more activities with each other? "He once told me that with his EX girlfriend he was even better, in the sense that they visited their families etc. That was so hilarious! Considering that it's him who doesn't make an effort to come over to my house and properly meet my parents or talk to them. It's not his "type" to do that. I haven't pushed about that, but he knows the door is open. Consider that he is 34 year old... not a scared kid.And I've praised my parents a lot and he's seen them once, they are not the type to ask questions or bother.* "did you ask him why 6 years ago he was so concerned about not overstepping the bounds between friends whereas now he isn't? "Yes, I asked yesterday and he said the situation was different in the sense that he was having a tense relationship with his EX at the time and didn't want to put fuel to the fire.... Obviously, our relationship is fragile too, but he is not as protective of it as he can be or as he himself told me he used to be in other relationships. That bothers me. Another example: When he was with his ex, he would put these statuses in the Internet: "I am with my girlfriend. Do not disturb".When I asked him to change his FB status from "blank" to "committed" he won't do it, because why would he put his private things in the open?* "to be honest it sounds like he's still treating you as FWB, even though it's understood that you're in a real relationship now." - Yes, that's what I think, too.We are both very nice, caring, people, we ask about each other's day, comfort each other, and I don't want love. Just care and respect. I think I only asked reasonable things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): I'm confused about some facts and the chronology of things:what affair did he have that you're referring to? is this when you were FWB or after you agreed to have a serious relationship? is he having an affair now? or is this referring to him bringing a female friend into his house just to talk?you said you were FWB and that he suddenly broke up, but 6 months later you asked him for a real relationship and he said OK and you've been together ever since?what exactly is the problem right now? is he having an affair right now?? or is the problem that he said he wants to bring a female friend into his home?or is the issue the fact that when he was in a relationship with someone else, and you and him were just friends back then, he was very protective of that relationship. But now that you and him are in a relationship he's not being as protective of it?did you ask him why 6 years ago he was so concerned about not overstepping the bounds between friends whereas now he isn't? what changed his attitude? not that there's anything necessarily wrong - people can and do change their attitudes on a lot of things over time. Maybe because in those 6 years you and him were FWB that made him relax his attitudes towards the boundaries around friends??I think that once you are in a serious relationship, you shouldn't be bringing home friends of the opposite sex if there is any potential for attraction, unless you clear it with your partner first. that's how affairs begin. Note that I think it's perfectly fine IF there is absolutely no potential for attraction. some friends of the opposite sex you simply never will feel attracted to no matter what, and vice versa. I think that's safe to bring them home just to talk. But if it's a friend of the opposite sex whom you *could* see yourself going out with on a date if circumstances were different, then I think you shoudln't bring those friends home if you're in a relationship with someone else.why he thinks this only applies if the couple lives together but not if they each have their own homes: I think it's because he feels it's disrespecting the partner's space if you are bringing home a visitor. But if he has his own space then technically it's his choice how to use it. To him it seems, living together is a much serious relationship commitment than being together but living separately. to be honest it sounds like he's still treating you as FWB, even though it's understood that you're in a real relationship now. Maybe it's all those years of being FWB when you made no demands and had no expectations of him at all (which is in accordance with the 'rules' of what FWBs should be) has made him used to seeing you as someone who simply doesn't care and is cool with everything. when in fact the truth is that you are not cool with everything (I don't think anyone would be) because now that the status of the relationship has officially changed, so should the rules that govern both people's behavior.I think you should try to have a talk with him about "what has changed" compared to when you were still just FWB. is the only thing that has changed, the fact that you're not supposed to be actively seeking other relationships? or are there more expectations besides just that? are you in general "closer" now than when you were FWB, i.e. sharing more of yourselves with each other, meeting each other's families, sharing more activities with each other? Have your feelings for each other changed since you made the switch from FWB to real relationship, or did those changing feelings drive the switch from FWB to real relationship? I mean, they should have. when you're FWB you're not supposed to be in love with each other, but now that you're in a real relationship you are supposed to be in love. Is this the case? I guess my question is, why/how did you switch from being FWB to real relationship? Is it because you two developed feelings mutually? I mean, just prior to that he had "broken up" the FWB situation! I think it's the fact that you have been FWB for several years and gotten into a rhythm of relating to each other in a certain way - enjoying each other's company with no strings attached - that now when you're supposed to be in a real relationship (where there are lots of strings attached) he hasn't stopped thinking of you as still just a FWB and someone to whom he has no obligation?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (3 March 2012):
If I have enough trust for my boyfriend I would trust that he would do nothing more with a female friend in his room. He would also introduce me to her. In a committed relationship there is no room for jealousy and doubts. Before establishing rules and boundaries let's build that connection you never had had with him. Start with courtship, dating and find reasons why you love him, not just caring. I believe when you totally trust a person, you can be just as carefree as people are in FWBs.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (3 March 2012):
In my opinion in a serious relationship people don't shift gears from friend to lover back to friend. I have had FWBS. I believe it could turn into real relationships but there are enough men who believe in the traditional model so I don't have to take any chances. In your post it is pretty confusing from what timeline who's doing what and what the status is.
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A
female
reader, IslaBonita +, writes (3 March 2012):
IslaBonita is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJanniepeg, you misunderstood some points in my initial post.1. We are having a serious relationship for about a year now.2. We had a FWB thing because I was still in school at the time and unexperienced with relationships. He did not have an official relationship during our FWB.3. We ended the FWB thing when he found someone else, and I felt betrayed because he did not tell me about it, *I* caught him. We were very close, good friends at the time, and I would have liked to be told about it. I felt betrayed as a friend, not as a lover. We weren't official lovers.4. I don't agree to what you say, that "a FWB should stay that way because the relationship would not be based on trust and exclusivity."I believe you can start as FWB for a myriad of reasons, discover you have lots in common, or the reasons that prevented you to make it serious at one point fade away etc. and the FWB could turn into a great relationship. There have been cases. It is also true that the relationship may or may not work.5. You said: "Not one time did you mention love." There is care and friendship in our relationship.6. "If you are afraid to say something to rock the boat it means you can't be your real self, and there is no real self to love." - that was a metaphor on my side, sorry for not being clear about it. I am not afraid to speak my mind. Officially we agreed we are having a serious relationship now.And the MAIN aspect that I would like discussed is what do you people think, if you are in a serious relationship would you agree that the other bring a friend of opposite gender in the house? By the way I only trust myself 100% and I am not obsessive about what he does, who he goes with, etc. I am very calm and very level headed, don't impose stupid restrictions so on and so forth etc. I happen to dislike that about bringing someone into the house in my absence. Thanks a lot for your answers.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (3 March 2012):
In this post I get a blurred definition of girlfriends, boyfriends and just friends. When you have a gf/bf you don't screw someone else. A friend is not someone you screw either. An FWB should stay that way because the relationship would not be based on trust and exclusivity. Trust is gained through pouring out love to each other only and not be shared with anyone else. Not one time did you mention love. I see that there is desire to possess and to have good sex. I think in order to have a genuine love relationship a monogamous relationship is needed. Love and commitment is what keeps a relationship strong. If you are afraid to say something to rock the boat it means you can't be your real self, and there is no real self to love. For Fwbs it is about accepting a limited relationship in which sex and hopefully friendship is all you can get, not so much as following the rules, rules which are lose lose for a person who would eventually want more. A person in an Fwb definitely cannot dictate what the other does in a committed relationship. I guess this is the reason for the break up. He chose to secure his official relationship over you. He has what he needed and it would be impractical to ask him to break up with his girlfriend when he already made his decision already. It won't be a wise idea to consider a serious relationship with a man who is okay with having an FWB while in a relationship. It is no surprise that people prefer stability and trust over passion that might not last. By accepting an FWB offer you lower your expectations, times two if you are willing to sacrifice keeping that label in order not to lose him. If you want more, have a real relationship.
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