A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been dating a guy for about 6 weeks. We’ve had some good dates and get on really well. On our last date he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend and make it official. I said yes but I wasn’t 100% sure in my head. I stayed over at his home and when I left he told me he was coming over to mine for a chill night later. A couple of hours later he messaged saying he had changed his mind as he was tired and thought about what he had said and had been too eager to meet up so quick. I feel really confused now. He’s gone from wanting to be in a relationship and coming to mine, to I’ve been too eager. I sent him messaging saying do you want to progress with this or do you want to call it a day. He’s read it but hasn’t replied. I wasn’t wanting to rush into things but I do like him but I’m not getting into mind games with him. He’s either wants to be with me or not. My friends have told me I was a bit too harsh with this message. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, !!anonyma!!  +, writes (17 March 2022):
 I think you weren't being harsh just practical. And I guess he is a bit confused and thinking things through. So, give him a bit of space and see what he says. I hope it goes well. :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2022): Im understanding it as : he threw out a 'shall we make it official by calling you my girlfriend' line as a precursor to getting you to stop over at his!
And I think you went ahead and did the deed!
After telling you he would come back to yours the following night he got cold feet.
His primary objective had been met (to get you into bed) and he suddenly doubted his capacity to hang on to his promises ..or suggestions..as he probably thinks it is.
So he back pedals and you quite rightly gave him a bit of a slapback!
I don't see you as being harsh.
I see you as being realistic.
He didn't give you any of the correct signs.
Looks to me like you have more to give than he has.
This kind of situation can be very upsetting for you.
It sounds to me as though he verbalizes what he can't fulfil!
He could be moaning to his mates right now along the lines of : All I wanted was a good night's sleep!
But you have no way of knowing that he wasn't meaning: Been there and moving on...
How the guy makes you feel is important to choosing a mate.
No one likes to feel that they've been on a panoramic walk to see the view only to be shoved off a cliff before they return.
If it's any use to you there is a herbal tonic called " rescue remedy"!
It's supposed to reharmonize your vibrations after a traumatic experience!
In a way it's supposed to shift you out of victim mode.
I'm not sure if it helps! You could also just apply yourself to other things.
Whatever your would be boyfriend meant..He was clumsy and awkward.
Even if you exhausted him!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2022): No, you were not too harsh with the message, you were succinct. Why beat around the bush?
You've indicated that you've stayed over at his house. That didn't include sex by any chance, would it?
Please consider that when people are euphoric after good sex; they'll make promises, or proclaim the L-word (sometimes actually during lovemaking, or at the point of orgasm) almost as a reflex. Later, they're overcome with regret; and will suddenly turn on a dime. That's when the haze has lifted and reality slaps you in the face!
What was once a blazing hot forest fire, now becomes an iceberg. You can hear the screeching of tires in the background! It's what is well-known as being caught-up in the moment. Even if there was no sex at all, the atmosphere was good; and you've satisfied his loneliness, or cured his neediness. You may have the kind of personality that creates comfort and peacefulness. He probably couldn't help himself. Your affect on him during the stay apparently hit the spot. You know what I mean?!! Unfortunately, the spell was only temporary; and he snapped out of it. Unless he's just a player; and likes telling women what they like to hear, just for the sake of affect. Throwing-out the bait, get you hooked, and now the games begin!
Now after all that, he decides to shift like the wind. Oh-no, no you don't buddy! To offer the guy the ultimatum to "poop or get off the pot" (said in more elegant terms) just means we're adults here, let's not play games. Don't build a lady up, and then cut her off at the knees! No games!!! I'm feeling you, even if nobody else here does!
You're either to be taken seriously, or you wish not to be lead-on. I won't condemn him for slowing his roll; but you don't ask a lady to be your girlfriend, then withdraw it almost as soon as it's said! It doesn't send the right message; especially, if it happens after sex. Then you've told on yourself. It was only for the sex, you didn't have any further interest once you've gotten what you wanted. You may as well send him on his way, be that the case. You don't get to third-base, then turn and runback to first. You run for the home plate!(Boy, this guy uses a lot of metaphors! Yes, because it's fun! So sue me!)
Don't be hard on yourself. We've reached a point in adulthood where we should be honest and decisive. In all fairness to him, it's okay to catch yourself; and slowdown the pace at which things are going. It isn't fair to offer someone a commitment; then immediately withdraw it. If you're that impulsive or indecisive; perhaps it can be perceived as a red-flag. A deal-breaker, even. It's your call!
His silence now places things at a stalemate. I would wait and see what he has to say. Make no decisions; until he has explained what's on his mind, preferably in-person. Please don't communicate such discussions over text or by phone. Talk to each-other face-to-face. Make it personable. Not at his house, or yours. Meet at a neutral location. He get's caught-up in a moment, one thing leads to another, and then here we go again! Once he has said his peace; then you get to make your decision if you want to follow-through.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2022): You made the mistake of being too eager to have sex with him. He enjoyed it so wanted to be sure there would be more sex with you in the future. He asked you to be his girlfriend because of that. Nothing else. He then thought about it and thought nah, I don't want to see her a lot, take care of her, love her, respect her, be faithful to her, that is too much. You also made the mistake of wearing your heart on your sleeve making it too obvious that you were keen and letting him call all of the shots. Both of those mistakes meant he took you to be naive and easy. He also worried you would be high maintenance or a problem later. He just wanted to be able to have sex with you again, not promise you things or feel anything for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2022): I wasted years and years with someone like this. My only mistake was hanging in far longer than I should have, thinking he would change. After 7 years, he DID NOT change and had no intention of changing. He gave me just enough to keep me holding on, and looking back, it was because we had good sex. That was the reason. Nothing else. I thought it was love. Maybe on my end. He wanted the GF experience but when it came down to committing, he couldn't and wouldn't. He was not capable. Even though he said he was committed. But his hidden Snapchat use told an entirely different story! You would think a man in his late 60's would have grown up. He met my family, I met his and it seemed like everything was the way it should be on the outside looking in. But my intuition always told me there was something wrong. And I was right. I wasted my life on him when all this time I could have met someone who was interested in me as a human being and wanted the same things. This guy and I were incompatible. He kept changing his mind. He left me so many times and I took him back. I should have shut the door on his face the first time he left. Please don't be ME. The bottom line is he was not invested. Not the way I was. And that will cause you all sorts of issues, worst of all your emotional well being is going to be destroyed. Your self confidence and self esteem will take a huge nose dive, and you will keep asking yourself why you are not enough, or not good enough for this guy to want a relationship with you. It is not your fault. It is not you. It is HIM! Remember that. All the signs are there. The words never matched the actions. Words are cheap. Actions which are consistent every single day prove a man's true intentions. Clearly this is the situation with you. He says the right things to keep the sex coming but he does not mean them. Please open your eyes sweetie. It is too late for me, but it isn't for you. I would hate to see you end up in the same situation as I was. I had to seek out help for my mental health issues as a result. You have no idea the toll it took on me. It was hell and that would not be an adequate enough description of what I went through.
He wants you around for the sex and companionship. He is flaking because he does not want to commit. He wants to keep his options open. Or he has a lot of personal issues and baggage he needs to work through, and hasn't. He is not ready. Do you want to be a sitting duck, complying with all his needs while not getting yours met? I will tell you what will happen. You will get anxiety. You will become miserable. You will develop a lot of resentment towards him. You will build a wall. Both of you will be miserable because you are not compatible with your needs and life goals. It really sucks these days with guys because of all the technology and apps available at their fingertips. And women are easier these days, and will sleep with any man at any time for any reason. Sometimes it is best to be alone and just take care of you. That is what I am doing. MY ex and I finally split up and I actually feel more at peace. I feel whole again. He can no longer make me feel worthless or like a piece of meat or just another woman (TOY) he will sleep with.
You did the right thing. I respect you for taking charge of your own well being. Now take the next step. Block him and forget about him. The future you will thank you. It has only been 6 weeks. You can do better. Don't rush to jump into anything with men. Most of them are users. You need to be much more careful and hold off on sex for awhile.
Here is the thing with men. They are just a bunch of cocks running around looking to hit any available vagina. They are stupid. Why? Because they don't realize that that is not the answer. They might feel good in the moment or for a little while but in the end, they will end up old and all alone. Their clock is ticking, just like ours. And honestly it is not as easy for them as it is for us. They are absolutely unenlightened and unevolved. You don't want one of these men. You want a good man. They are out there. Problem is there are way too many pieces of shit that you encounter before you meet the good ones.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 March 2022):
 I don't think you were too harsh either.
You asked a simple question.
You didn't ask him to propose, you asked him do you want to progress with me or toss in the towel.
The whole point of dating is to take the time to get to know one another and see if there is potential for something long-term.
I absolutely agree with Kenny that he is blowing hot and cold and in the end, it might not be worth investing more time in this guy. He is going to second guess everything.
No one is 100% sure after only 6 weeks. " I said yes but I wasn’t 100% sure in my head". You weren't even sure if you wanted to be his GF but you GAVE him and yourself a chance to find out.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (15 March 2022):
 He was the one who instigated it all, he was the one who asked you to be his girlfriend which you accepted. He was blowing hot, now he is blowing cold, i get the feeling if you keep him around he is going to be constantly blowing hot and cold and being flaky.
I don't agree that what you sent him was in any way harsh, he flaked on you so you have every right to know what is going on. It does not seem like he is in any rush to reply to you.
My advice would be to delete and block him, its only been 6 weeks. Put this one down to experience. I feel if you keep him around it's only going to lead to future heartache so save yourself from this and block him and move on. Plenty more fish in the sea.
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