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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am a 27 year old grad student and considering dating my 50 year old professor. I have taken 2 independent studies with him and 2 classes (undergraduate and graduate). Upon his recommendation, I am transferring to a top 10 university. To be very very blunt, I am very pretty and he is very very established in the field. He writes me amazing poems and says he loves me, body and (with emphasis), mind. I have expressed my doubts, he expresses his....passionately. He has been married twice before and has recently divorced, has kids his age with whom he talks about me. I imagine us traveling together, learning from him etc-but I wonder about the physical aspect. At the same time, I am not that traditional and I find the age and teacher-student aspect erotic. --I am no longer suspicious he is trying to take advantage of me sexually, but wonder if he really loved me, wouldn't he be concerned for my youth? I also fear commitment-he might need someone older who would be more likely to commit for a life time? yet we talk about children, marriage as if it were casual conversation. I also worry about what people say and, while dating him would have tremendous positive impact on my career, I also fear that it could label me in someway. I would be afraid to tell my father about dating him for quite sometime. If we weren't to be together, I worry that I would ruin a five year, life-impacting, friendship. That I won't have given him anything in return for all the advice, knowledge etc that he has given me. Without him, I wouldn't be in the career I am in now. Opinions? Advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Manya  +, writes (29 May 2008):
This is a very good question, because you don't want to ruin a friendship that seems to be good for both of you. If he is writing you poems, etc., then you have captured his imagination and affection! I wonder what field you are both in. If you are transferring to a top-ten University upon his recommendation, he sounds like he is looking out for your career, and is a great person to have on your side politically as well as personally. It is certainly not unheard of that people with your age differences marry! But if you get into a messy affair after his recent no-doubt painful divorce, it could be awful therefore you are right to be wary. If you are very pretty, as you say, you may also have suitors your own age,you could have your pick and he could be hurt!This is a case where you have to consult your own heart. Iwould say that, if you are not interested in a very long-term relationship, keep things as they are. Because good feelings will exist between you two for a lifetime! That isan extremely beautiful and rare thing -- intellectual passion as well as physical admiration! On the other hand, if you are madly in love with him, andtalk about children, perhaps you should go for it! But,why was he divorced twice? And what about yourself?Be honest with yourself. What would make you happy? Love isa huge topic, and there are many varieties and sometimes people fool themselves. Why not spend a little time apart so that you can get the best perspective?
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