A
female
age
36-40,
*ettyBoup
writes:Hi guys!I'm in a long distance relationship of 1 and a half years now, with a wonderful man I really adore. He's 40 and I'm 24, big gap but we get on great and he makes me laugh all the time. Basically, I have to go away to uni for approx 6 months of a year. I go back and stay with him all my holidays so we're apart at most for 7 weeks before we see each other. The thing is he hasn't come to visit me yet. I have suggested that I'd like him to come see me for a weekend or a week sometime. But he's just like "yeh I might do" hmm nah. When people ask me if he's coming to visit and I say he doesn't want to they say "aw that's mean" and it makes me think yeh maybe it is and makes me question his feelings for me. I feel a bit sad because I always travel to see him, I even went over for his 40th birthday weekend. Yet its my birthday this weekend and he's not coming to see me. He says he can't afford it and he doesn't like traveling. Which I can appreciate. Also he says he cant always get time off work, but surely if he really wanted to he could get a few days off?I just think it's a little unfair. I find it really hard sometimes being apart for so long because I think sometimes we lose touch and get used to being apart. Plus it's always a bit odd getting back together after being apart for a month or 2. So it would be nice for him to come over a weekend sometime to keep in touch.How can I tell this to him without making him feel guilty or that I'm being needy and demanding? Do you think maybe things are a bit one sided? He lives on an Island near England btw so its quite far/expensive to travel, but I'm a student and I manage it.
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female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (11 November 2009):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks guys.
I think eyeswideopen your point is probably part of it, I know he does worry about how he'll be percieved by my younger friends as well when I know most of them think he's a lovely really funny guy and they want him to come out. I don't get it coz he talks to anyone and his guitarist is younger than me so I don't know hy he worries.
Anyway I divulge. I think I'll just try and talk to him about it and see how it goes. Think I was just sad coz he isn't coming over for my birthday but I'll get over it.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (11 November 2009):
 Maybe he's afraid, because of the age difference, he'll look goofy or worse hanging out with a young college girl at a university.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (11 November 2009):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI bother with him because I love him. I don't take it that personally that he hasn't come over because that's the only issue really. Everything is is mostly great, we talk every day.
Can anyone give me advice on how to explain how I feel about this and ask him to come over? I just feel like I'd be nagging him. I don't want to be like begging him to please come and see me coz I'm not like that. I just want to get the point across without making him feel guilty or bad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): Why do you even bother with him? Seriously. You feel dissatisfied because he IS taking you for granted. For a 40 year-old, he's is such an un-gentleman.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (11 November 2009):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers. I guess the reason why he's not come over is because where he lives is my home so I guess he assumes I'm going to come back over anyway, not just to see him. But I have gone back every holiday, even for a week when if I wasn't with him I'd probably have stayed, coz it's expensive.
He says he doesn't like traveling and he hasn't been off the Island since I've met him. I think he thinks we see each other enough with me coming over and also maybe because I was the one who left to go to uni, then I'm the one who should come back to see him.
I mean the first year was ok because I only had a single bed anyway and he said he wouldn't be comfortable being in halls. But he's reluctant still even now I have my own house :(
He is coming over to stay with a friend of his to do a music gig near me so he's invited me to stay with him. It's almost like he won't come over just for me.
Apart from this we get on so well when we're together and he means the world to me, I know he feels the same for me and I know he wouldn't cheat or anything.
How do I explain how I feel about this?
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (11 November 2009):
You're not being needy and demanding. I think he's kind of taking advantage of the fact that you are the one to always come see him. I think you need to tell him that a relationship is a two-way street and that it's not fair for you to have to always make the trek to see him. And I agree that he could have taken some time off work to make your birthday special--I'm sure he knew about it beforehand and had ample time to request it off. I also think it's getting to the breaking point where you're going to tell him that if he wants to see you, he's going to have to do some of the work, there's two people in a relationship, not just one.
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