A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone,I am an aunt and I have answered many questions for others. But I am now in need of advice. I'll try to make this as short as possible :)A year and 1/2 ago my mother had 3 strokes and a heart attack. She is now left paralyzed on the right side of her body. My father, sister, brother and I all help with her daily care, but she is recovering rapidly for which we are very grateful. However, 2 months after she was hospitalized my sister found out that my father had been talking to another woman. Shortly after I and my brother have been finding out different things, we even know the womans name. And he continues to be involved with her to this day. The thing is, my dad takes wonderful care of my mom, he handles all of her medical needs, he's great with her. They've been married for 25 years now, but still he keeps talking to this "woman". It is very hard to talk to him, I can't stand being around him half of the time because I know when he's been with her. It hurts to know that he's doing this my mom and our family. My mom is a great wife, even though she's not fully able to be the woman she once was because of her disability, she is still a good person. And she is not stupid by any means. She can tell that something is going on with my dad. And she has told me and my sister recently, that if for any reason we found out that my dad was cheating to let her know. She said that she would rather be alone with her children and finish recovering, than to stay with my dad and have him "mess over" her.My question is for you all, do me and my siblings continue to be quiet and wait until it comes out on it's own? Or do we mention this to my Mom and let her know what's happening? I really am lost, I want my Mother to know, but I don't want to hinder the process of her healing. She's doing so good, getting her health back, being more active and she's really in a happy place. But it is killing me to know what my Dad is doing behind her back.Any thoughts? Any help is appreciated... Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncreate.your.peace, Ask oldersister, Oregongrl1 & reader anon --Thank you all for your responses! Greatly appreciated. You all stated some very good things & I plan on talking to my sister & brother and we will decide on what to do together.
I thinks it funny that you guys call us "kids" lol. Even though I know what you all mean, I'm 25, my sister 29 & my brother 32. So we're really not like 18-20 :)
I do want to be clear about one thing though: My father takes no more care for my Mother than his own children. We all work together, he is not and has not been in this alone. My sister & I even moved into a new house with them both, so we could be there. And he is very great with her---WHEN HE'S ACTUALLY THERE WITH HER & DOING HIS PART. He is not there 24/7.
Thank you guys again! :)
C. Grant,
For the record, I KNOW FOR A FACT that he is having A FULL BLOWN AFFAIR with this woman, I only said "talking" because where I come from that means more than one thing (sorry for not making that clear).
For the sake of not wanting a whole book about this, I tried to paraphrase & shorten things up. But there is much more to this than just what I stated. I know quite a bit about my parent's marriage because they openly talk to us about things at times, even more than we care to know (that alone is something for another time).
Furthermore, it is very much so my business when my dad makes all of his calls on the phone plan that I ALONE am generous enough to pay for. Suffice it to say that the bill is not a nice thing. It is my business when he uses MY CAR for his "frequent" visits to see this woman & I find her belongings in it when it's returned. It is my business when he leaves my Mom for hours at a time when my siblings & I are working, and she has to call me or them to say she needs to use the restroom & my Dad left so she can't use it at that time. It is my business when my siblings & I alter our schedules for him, only for him to lie to us & go spend time with that woman, when we could have been doing things we really needed to-like keeping our jobs! It is my business when aspects of his affair are running up the bills that I pay. When an affair is running a high price & stress on my personal tab...it is my business. I have more enough than of evidence and there is nothing for me to understand from him about it. I don't owe him anything. I don't care if my mother became a vegetable, if your spouse is not 6 feet under- you have no right to cheat!
Thank you for your response.
A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (27 June 2010):
First iam so sorry you all are going through that it is hard enough that your mother has suffered a stroke and yes if you tell her will she have another one? i know what i would do but what may work for my life doesn't mean it will work for someone elses? i would comfront my father and also let him know that your mother his wife is not a stupid woman, and let him know what she said to you! maybe he will be the man and come out with it to her instead of involving his children if hes any kind of man of father. i wont say husband because hes not acting like a husband right now. look out for your mom, even tho hes taking care of her so are all of you. your good kids! and who knows maybe hes waiting for her to get better to tell her him'self.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (27 June 2010):
 You don't know what is going on in your parents' marriage. Nor should you. It's their business, not yours.
Your father is taking care of your mother -- you haven't said anything that makes us think his attention to her is anything less than exemplary.
You haven't said that he's doing anything other than talking to this other woman. Yet you've decided that he's cheating.
It's not your business whether anything is going on. But if you choose to make it your business, before you drop a bomb on your mother, you owe it to both parents to understand what is really going on. So confront your father with the 'evidence' you've accumulated, and give him a genuine chance to explain.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2010): You needn't swoop in all sanctimonious and confrontational, but your father needs to be made aware that you know he is having an affair. He's probably going to be horribly embarrassed by his behavior. Don't tell your mother anything, though; it's your father's job to come clean.
...............................
|
