A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in my second year in college (21 y/o) in the Netherlands, and because I like moving around and meeting new people I've been staying in temporary rooms for 1,5 years.Past december, there was a party in the house I lived in at that moment and I met a guy. We talked for a while and I just felt this connection. We kissed and it was amazing, even under the mistletoe :). At the end of the evening he asked if I wanted to come home with him but I wouldn't, because I don't sleep with guys I don't know. The week after we set up a date through facebook, but when I mentioned things wouldn't go further for a while (scared that sex was all he wanted) eventually he said our intentions were different and it wouldn't be fair to me to go through with it. I was disappointed but we didn't speak anymore.A girl in my house who was friends with his friend, said he's just come out of a long-term relationship and was still crushed about that (she'd broken up with him after 3,5 years) and he was really a good guy.Now the time came to switch rooms, and this same girl knew a room that became available from may to september, and I accepted. Later, I found out this guy lived in the same house.So now I live in this house and see this guy regularly and I've developed a crush on him, because he's just so cool and nice and I still feel this connection. The thing is, I don't even know if he remembers kissing me because it was late at a party, it was only once and we didn't see each other again afterwards. We haven't talked about it now so it could be that he thinks I don't remember.Should I ask him if he remembers? Should I tell him I like him? Or wait till I know him a little better? Or try and seduce him and see what happens form there? I don't know how he feels about his ex now but I have heard there was another girl he was having casual sex with, but I'm sort of hoping she could be the rebound and I could be the new thing. He's obviously the relationship sort of guy, but just wasn't (isn't?) over his ex.Help, what should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): Men and women handle breakups differently. He approached you some time ago, and judging from the time-frame you've indicated in the post, he may have still been in a relationship when he put the moves on you.
You made an approach before, and he made it clear his intentions were just for casual sex. He probably wasn't available at the time, anyway. He discontinued any contact once he determined that you weren't going to give it up. You've neglected to realize, that he has shown no further interest from that point. Not so much as a call or a text message during the interim.
In my opinion, you should proceed with caution; because he just recently ended a relationship, and you will be back to square one. You will just be available sex. His feelings are raw at this point, and you would only be setting yourself up to be used. People recently out of a breakup still carry feelings for their ex pretty strongly.
They often still have a desire to reconnect, or may still have unfinished business. His ex may still be in the picture; and they may still be in the process of completing the detachment. You will fall inconveniently in the middle of it all. It will only cause you concern and insecurity about how he really feels toward you, or is he still grieving for her.
Don't let your heat get ahead of your common sense. If you just want to have casual sex; then go for it. If you are looking for some sort of relationship; it is highly doubtful he would be ready so soon.
Dating him at this point,will only lead to him trying to wear you down to submit to sex. He was unsuccessful the first time, and that was a blow to his ego.
Young women often make the mistake of using sex as a tool to bait a man. They figure the feelings will follow. Men don't think that way. If sex is available, they will take if for what it's worth. You should establish if there is real interest to get to know you; if you are looking to find someone to share something meaningful.
Never date a person on a mission. Make an intellectual connection. Feel them out to learn who they are, what they like, what they stand for, and if you truly like them. Or if it's just a passing crush. Get to know them over time. If the chemistry is there, sex will happen inevitably. You have to establish if the other person is open to anything more.
The most important thing is, to determine if they really like you in return? Sex was his motive from the beginning.
If he just broke up with someone, there is a risk you will be used as sex on the rebound; or just a way to make his ex jealous. Arm-candy.
Find out the circumstances of his breakup, and if it was really bad. Avoid getting caught up in a lover's battle.
Get to know him first. Keep things casual and don't let on how much you like him. Feel him out to see where he's coming from and date other men in the meantime. Crushes come and go. You're just curious if his feelings have changed since you last kissed him.
In my opinion, most likely not.
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