A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, could really use some advice. So my boyfriend had an affair with this girl a few years ago, before he and I were dating. She was a girl he had dated in his 20's. But then she got married to someone else and they had slept together and had an affair while she was married. Awful, I know. Anyway, when he and I moved in together I realized she wasn't out of the picture yet as she would get in touch with him periodically on the internet. This was no big deal because I simply told him I wasn't cool with it, especially given their history and he completely understood and stopped talking to her. The problem is my curiosity got the best of me and I looked her up on a social network. Call it a sixth sense, maybe. And noticed through pictures that she and her husband have a baby, about two years old, that looks EXACTLY like my boyfriend. The girl and her husband are both brunettes with brown eyes. The baby is blonde with blue eyes just like my boyfriend. Even the eye color is the same tone of blue as my boyfriend's. And it is not just the coloring. The shape of his eyes and his cheeks, even his little pout look exactly like my boyfriend's face. In my opinion. Even her friends on facebook would comment on pics of her baby often pointing out how different her son's features are to her and her husband. "Holy shit! His eyes are so blue?!" Stuff like that. And it just made me cringe. I was too afraid to ask him about it because I didn't want him to know I had been snooping on his ex girlfriend, so instead I snooped on their old conversations that were in his email history to see if I could find out more information. There is definitely evidence of an affair but none discussed about him being the father. I did see one conversation where she pointed out that her husband is the father of her baby. But I don't know if she meant just legally or biologically. So I don't know. I don't think her husband has any suspicions.It was bothering me and I couldn't take it anymore so I finally decided to bite the bullet and ask him. I am sure he suspected I'd do some snooping as he already knows how I am and fortunately accepts me as I am. Anyway, he said it is impossible that it is his baby because the timing doesn't add up. He doesn't seem the type to neglect something like that so I believed him. To an extent. Up until the image of this kid pops back into my head. It wouldn't have been a normal type of pregnancy for a man to step up and acknowledge. I mean she is married. Maybe it was too scandalous to expose? Does he even know? It could be nothing more than a coincidence due to recessive genes...I just don't know. So I got to thinking again. During this affair, my boyfriend was living on the opposite coast. But he would travel back often to visit his family. And my understanding is that he would get together with this girl during these visits. She had posted pics of the birth of her kid soon after it happened. Based on the comments I knew the date posted was recent relative to the birth. So I counted back nine months to know when exactly she would've conceived. I did some digging and found out through a post his friend posted that he was in fact on the East coast visiting the month that she would've conceived. Which made me feel sick.I can't be sure if any of this is even true. But if it is, I am not sure how I feel about it. He and I are pretty serious, and I am beginning to wonder if this may come up in the future.Or since he blew her off on account of me, maybe she will reappear in the future with some "crazy" revelations. It is so scandalous. That would hurt me and I don't want to get hurt. I wish I could just know for sure now rather than later. But I already asked him about it and he said no. So I cannot keep pressing the issue. That's not cool either. Crazy huh? What do you guys think? What to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2015): Lol, no you can't fix stupid. Great advice.
Thank you 3
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 February 2015):
 Ah, thanks for the update OP
It makes a little more sense on the cheating part.
So you actually KNOW what he thinks of cheating and where you two stand. And THAT is a good thing. There are no safeguards for what she might/could/would/perhaps do in the future, specially if she finds out he is happy with you and IF you two get married.
BUT I do think as long as YOU and your BF are open about things and that HE keeps NOT being in contact with her you two will do fine.
You should talk to him about it again. Let him know how you feel. Sometimes getting these things out in the open makes them less "scary". I DO get the "men can be dense" but I also think your BF actually SEES her for the conniving wench she is. Don't let "what if's" and a EX gf be that huge pink elephant in the room that you walk around eggshells over.
However I would NOT suggest he takes a DNA test, UNLESS she claims he is the daddy.
Remember 2 things, YOU can not control what she does, and you can't fix stupid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): I'm the OP. Hey aunts. Thank you for your posts. Notsohappy, I feel the same way. I don't think it's a good time to bring it up right now, however. But when the timing is right, I will consider a good way to bring it up again. Honey pie, you've brought up some good points. As for the genetic side of it, it's not so much about how different this kid looks from his parents as it is how MUCH he looks like my boyfriend. As for the cheating aspect of it, he has talked openly about it, explained how he felt then about it and how he feels now. He knows it was wrong and very rotten. I don't think it was as cut and dry as it sounds. She was dating my boyfriend and her future husband at the same time, unbeknownst to either of them. When the cat came out of the bag, she started telling lies to both of them, to keep them both at her beck and call. Once she married the other guy, her relationship with my boyfriend turned into an affair. He still had a lot of emotions invested, perhaps wasn't thinking straight, I believe she was very dishonest and manipulative. I especially noticed this by their emails. I noticed in several emails he'd be dating someone new, he was fed up with the affair and ask her to move on (she was the one to contact him most of the time) and then suddenly she'd become really meddlesome and say she is leaving her husband and stuff to give him hope. Which she never did, but it'd leave him feeling confused. And keep him hanging by the thread. It was awful. Like you said, everyone has a past and I don't think it is something he is proud of. I've never judged him for it. People do stupid things, I know I have. And no, I do not feel threatened by her. She belongs on the Maury show lol. I think there was a time when my boyfriend really liked her, but since taking a step back and seeing everything she's done and is capable of from a different angle, I don't think he sees her in the same light. As for him and I, we are in love, we want to get married and start our own family. I'm not worried about her like that. But through the information I've gathered I wouldn't put anything past her. And like you've both brought up and honeypie said, "she might want the drama of revealing to my boyfriend that he is the father, should her relationship fall apart." She obviously likes drama. That's what scares me. And for some reason I feel next to positive this is her intention. My boyfriend does not know I feel this way. Furthermore, he is a guy. You know how men are, they don't see through things of this nature like we women do. They don't even notice when you get your haircut lol. I wish there was some way to safeguard our future from this possibly coming up or happening...if you guys have any more suggestions, please let me know.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 February 2015):
OK let's start with some genetics facts...
TWO brown eyes people (father and mother) CAN have a blue eyed child even though BROWN eyed genes are dominant. It depends on the grandparent's eye color too. There are approximately 15 genetic loci that determine almost all of the variation in human eye color. SO DO NOT get fixated on that.
Now if we were were talking two brown eyed parents from Africa or Asia (for instance) the likelihood of a blue eyed child would be significantly less, if not impossible. The European gene-pool is VERY "muddy" due to the mix of ALL genetic backgrounds for over thousand years. The Norse raided all the way down to the Middle East and without doubt brought home women, the Romans and their expanding empire put Italians, Spaniards and goodness knows what else nationality ALL OVER Northern Europe. The British colonized how many countries? And add the Dutch? The Germans? Even the Slavic?
I'm not going to give you a history or genetics lesson, lol, but YES it IS possible for two brown eyed parents of EUROPEAN descent to have a blue eyed child.
The thing is, in this case, your BF had an affair (before you two met) which means his view on cheating may NOT be the same as YOUR view on cheating. BUT it's ALSO in the past. He cut her off when you told him you were uncomfortable with the contact. So while he may NOT feel bad about having been part of "cheating", he at least have respected your wishes and feelings.
You started to snoop, instead of talking to your BF - which in my book isn't cool. You wanted to KNOW something about him/his past you should have asked.
And BECAUSE of your distrust (yes, this is about trust and insecurities) you snooped and now it's becomes a whole series of "what if's"....
WHAT if the kid is his? Well, if it is - there isn't ANYTHING YOU can do! You can't change the fact, your BF can't change the fact.
LEGALLY - There is a presumption of paternity of a child to a married woman is the husband. Which means if she divorce her husband (but the husband IS on the birth certificate HE IS the father) they would have to go to court to change it, and THAT rarely happens as the MOTHER can lose child maintenance/spousal maintenance if she "reveals" that the kids aren't the husband's.
However, SHE might want the DRAMA of revealing (to your BF at least) that HE is the baby-daddy. If her marriage falls apart. SURE it's possible. What is ALSO possible is that a 3rd man could be the father.
As for how the baby look? It's hard to judge at age 2. My husband has 2 sons, NEITHER looked like him as babies, NEITHER look like him now (they are in their 20's) - they BOTH do have blue eyes (like him), and they are both tall (like him) other then that? there is VERY little resemblance. WE (hubby and I) have 3 daughters. 2 of them looks like me (80% me, 20% him), 1 looks more like him (40% me, 60% him) As babies? They all looked alike, now that they are older NONE of out 3 daughters actually look alike. They could easily have 3 different father (or mothers) they way they look, BUT THEY DON'T. So... don't be so focused on HOW the baby looks.
You have ALREADY had the discussion with him and he seems NOT at all interested in claiming any paternity.
My advice is TO stop snooping on the ex (so not cool) and let it go. FOCUS on your life together NOT ON HIS past. OR let him go.
Let's say she divorces and shows up wanting to "play house" with your BF and her (maybe his) son. What then? You think he would just toss you to the side and JUMP in with both feet? If that is what you think, maybe HE isn't FOR you.
If you think he could cheat on me with her. YES, that is possible. She cheated on her HUSBAND with him, and he KNOWINGLY had SEX with her even though she was (is) married. So maybe he doesn't HAVE many scruples about cheating as YOU do.
I'd talk values with your BF. Don't bring HER into the conversation, but sit down and TALK values.
There are no guaranties. But living in this kind of "fear" of the "what if's ?" IS going to drive you batty.
So decide, CAN YOU live with the fact that this kid COULD be his, could be the husband's - heck could be some random dude's..? If the answer is yes, then LET IT GO. IF the answer is no, then LET HIM go.
YOU had a past before you met your BF, he had a past before he met you. THAT is a fact. But it's ALSO the past. And if you spend your LIFE looking to HIS past for potential drama, you are going to miss out on the HERE and NOW.
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