A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi I have a question about sex.Basically, I just read in cosmopolitan that 34% of a poll of men thought the best length of time to spend having sex was 45 minutes.As a virgin, I was just wondering how you have sex for a length of tim ethis long?? Like what do you do throughout the time, is it just grinding up and down up and down, maybe in different positions, for 45 minutes flat???Please enlighten me Reply to this Question
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male
reader, daletom  +, writes (5 September 2008):
Hey, "Emilysanswers":
I've heard that the great Finnish distance runner, Paavo Nurmi, often ran with a stopwatch in one hand - even during competitions! Do you always time your lovemaking and keep a logbook? Produce a monthly report on your guy's performance, complete with graphs and tables?
(Actually, as young people new to sex and trying to learn each other's response pattern, my wife and I came across the advice to be "definite and specific about what you want from your partner" - and the examples they gave were "I want a kiss that lasts 15 seconds", and "don't do that more than 2 minutes".)
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (5 September 2008):
1. Seeing him looking cute doing something - 0 mins
2. going and kissing him - 2 mins
3. him getting up and kissing you back - 2 mins
4. heading upstairs - 1 min
5. kissing and groping and undressing - 7 mins
6. foreplay of various kinds - 15 mins
7. sex - 10 mins
8. cuddling - 8 mins
= 45 minutes!
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (5 September 2008):
I think the other responses emphasize that "having sex" involves a lot more than the coupling of genitals. Even setting aside the old aphorism that "good sex starts in the kitchen" (meaning, that your behavior toward each other outside the bedroom is a major factor in what goes on inside the bedroom), there are a lot of things that happen before the "grinding up and down" begins, and also things that happen after the twitching stops.
There is also a lot of variation from couple to couple, and from time to time with a given couple. My wife and I have had "quickies" that lasted only 5 minutes or so from the first kiss until the last button was re-buttoned. We have also had extended lovemaking sessions, involving several instances of intercourse, that started shortly after dawn and extended until lunchtime. (Mornings have been our favorite time for making love.)
The actual penis-in-vagina time might be only a minute or so, and probably never more than 15 minutes.
Other posters mentioned foreplay - I must mention afterglow. Perhaps the most fulfilling part of sex, and certainly the most tender, comes after the orgasms. Many couples like to stay coupled as the guy grows soft inside the girl. (You should NOT do this if you are relying on condoms for contraception and disease prevention!) During this time there is often kissing, gentle fondling, sometimes intimate conversation. This often goes on for 5 minutes, ten minutes, or more. When we were in our 20's it wasn't unusual for the afterplay to smoothly transition into foreplay for the next coupling.
May I point out two things about your question itself? First, it took some courage to ask the question, essentially admitting that you don't fully understand the process of sex. I admire that kind of integrity.
Second, it deals exclusively with the physical process of intercourse. This tells me you don't yet fully understand the nature of a fulfilling sexual relationship. That's NOT meant to insult you - it's an observation of where you are in the process of growing to be a responsible adult. Not only does sex involve things that happen before and after the joining of genitals, it also involves the joining of minds and emotions. As you develop a greater awareness and appreciation of these other dimensions of sexuality you will be moving closer to being ready for a sexual relationship. Don't let anybody convince you that you need to give up your virginity to gain this appreciation and awareness.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008): As you are still a virgin i would warrant that your first few times at least will be alot shorter than this and there will probably be alot of bumping and fumbling around and most of it will be just grinding up and down. When you do decide to have sex dont worry about this probable ineptness as is normal in ineperienced ppl.
To answer your question though, there are lots of things you can do for 45 minutes that are more than grinding up and down. Foreplay should certainly involve alot more than this, and should stimulate your whole body. There are a wide variety or oral techniques that can be used to "warm up" or begin the sexual experinence as well as a wide rande of different positions.
Personally with me and my girlfriend the whole thing normally lasts an hour or so, depending on how tired we are, inc foreplay. Foreplay normally lasts for about 15-20 mins for us, but i know what she likes so differing times and techniques for everyone. Then some oral stimulation and then we go through a number of positions for about 30-40mins.
Its not really the length that matters though its the sexual satisfaction and the emotional connection that are important. Dont rush into it and be safe.
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A
female
reader, Tremor  +, writes (5 September 2008):
 Keep in mind that the surveys in Cosmo are probably not comprehensive - women's magazines just aren't that credible. (That said, by God are they entertaining. =D)
I'd agree with the other posters - they probably include the foreplay in that 45 minutes. Kissing, touching, external stimulation, role playing... It can go on for much longer than 45 minutes! Like lexilou said, the act itself usually takes about 10-15 minutes.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (5 September 2008):
 I'm very surprised that such an answer came from men rather than women. LOL ! We usually hear more that women are unsatisfied due to the "quick sex" that a majority of men reportedly provide and possibly prefer. But in a perfect woman's world, men would spend a great deal of time with gradually more intensive foreplay that slowly gets her "oven" all heated up. Things like kissing, necking, fondling, maybe a massage and/or foot rub preceded by romantic stuff like candlelight dinner, slow dancing, bathing together, etc.
Actually, a truly hot evening for a woman can require much more than 45 minutes including all the build up that leads to any naked activities. But even after the clothes fall off, a good deal of time can be spent with mutual oral stimulation that may last at least 20 to 30 minutes for the woman's benefit. For more about what really gets many a woman ready, check out some of the writings on "cunnilingus" on this Web site. Use the search engine above (top of the page).
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (5 September 2008):
 No that would include foreplay too. God if a man banged away for that length of time you would be seriously sore! The actual act probably lasts 10-15 mins on average x
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