A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a strong career woman with a partner for six years. Technically, we still can't get married because we don't have divorce in our country and I got married when i was pretty young to someone whom i have been separated for about 11 years now. i consider myself a pretty level-headed person, quite moogamous when it comes to relationships. i do get fantasies about other men but it all ends there.my life with my partner has been good so far, we do have our differences. i'm a very driven person with strong ambitions and i work long hours. he's more laid back. we have talked about fixing my annullment from my marriage, getting married eventually and having kids but so far, it has all been talk. sometimes i don't know if he will ever get the will to do these things and act more decisively for our lives. i also earn more than him, don't take me wrong, money between us has not been a big issue but there is always this part of me that just wants to do and achieve more. these past weeks have been confusing. i met a younger but more accomplished person at work. we're not from the same company but he's a top executive in another firm related to ours. i took up the assignment because i got really challenged about the work. through that, we've been working together to make things happen for this multi-million dollar project.we started really friendly and he's a very nice person - also very driven and ambitious. i'm very impressed with him. he calls me, he texts me even at odd hours but it's because we're both ok with that about work - something my partner cannot understand.when we're together we're very professional. but when we email, text or call, there's always some kind of flattery and flirtation going on. i'm supposed to fly to this far place for an event this weekend but the executive i was assisting backed out. this guy volunteered to take his place. so here i am helping him and all and we're talking more and spending time more. the other day, i had to take his cloth measurements for a requirement that was needed badly and it was very awkward. i feel really conscious with him around. he's starting to ask me personal questions and he's always telling me how great i am not just at work and as a person. his text messages, while still professional are becoming very friendly and intriguing. he's teasing me about our trip, about how i should not allow him to get lost but it wouldn't be a bad idea if we get lost together and so on. i really feel confused. i find myself thinking about this person a lot. i have a feeling that he likes me also but probably not sure yet on how to deal with it. he's quite powerful in the organization even if he's actually younger than me. i feel that i want him to like me as a worker but i also feel this need that he like me as a woman. this weekend is coming up and it's sounding more and more like a personal trip for us. he's getting a private plane, he's suggesting sites to visit, things to do. i'm so afraid of myself that i might actually like him more. i still love my partner, we've gone through really tough times but everyday, we're becoming more and more distant. please help me and let me know what you think. how should i handle this other guy?
View related questions:
ambition, at work, divorce, flirt, money, teasing, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to all the advice. just to clarify, my partner and i are not married. second, this other guy and i do not work for the same company. he's a high ranking executive from another company but we work on the same project.
thank you for replying. i thought about things. i went with him for the trip. we flew commercial which was good. i asked a bolleague from our local office to be with us which was also good. we're profersional about things. we're going home tomorrow.
the attraction and sexual undercurrent is there. he teases me, he's quite attentive. we share inside jokes. about 3 people commented on how good are rapport and they thought we're very close, if not a couple. we don't talk a lot about personal details but we're trusting each other with secret high level work stuff. he 's being groomed to head a major division in my company in 2 to 3years and he told me he would want me to be there when it happens so he can have a confidant at work. he thinks i'm great and i haven't told him that he's great too.
im keeping thinks like this now. i'm keeping it professional and not physical. i just feel so terrible because it's like emotinnal cheating when i think about him or when we look at each other with admiration to the point i think other people are feeling the vibe. meanwhile i feel becoming emotionally distant from my partner more and more.
please let me know what you think. thanks.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): unless and until you have broken up with your partner, you should keep the new guy at a distance and not be flirting or doing anything that you wouldn't do around your other male co-workers.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): let's say you weren't with your current partner and were truly single. Without a doubt you'd probably start dating this new coworker since there's so much chemistry between you, and things initially will be great. But what about the future? You never know. The relationship with your coworker could eventually take a downturn and end up boring and stale (like your current relationship) or it could end up in a break up when you develop differences you can't resolve, or it might turn out to be a long lasting great relationship even leading to marriage and kids and growing old together.
The point is - any new relationship is uncertain, you don't know what the outcome is going to be when you're just at the beginning of it. It will for sure be great in the beginning because that's what all new relationships are like due to the novelty. I'm sure your relationship with your current partner was very different in the beginning too. But the only way to tell how a relationship will pan out in the long run is to actually be in it and see first hand what happens.
And that brings me to the main point which is that it's pointless trying to predict what the long term future of a relationship with this coworker will be like, in order to make your decision now as to whether to leave your partner for him. You can't predict the future of an unknown quantity (which is the coworker, because you hardly know him). Therefore you shouldn't be comparing your current partner to this guy because it's a baseless comparison.
But what you can more likely predict the future of, is your current relationship because you're very familiar with that already. It's true that you can't know even how your current relationship will become in the future, but you have a more educated guess about the potential for change because your partner is a known quantity.
therefore, I think you should take a long hard look at your current relationship and partner and decide if that is something you want to end so that you can risk a new relationship with anyone (whether it's your coworker or someone you have yet to even meet). Your choice isn't between your partner and your co-worker, exactly. It's between your partner and the opportunity to try something new, wherever that may lead. that means you have to figure out how badly do you want the opportunity for something new, compared with how badly do you want your current relationship?
there is no one right answer because it's different for everyone. Some people who are by nature highly risk averse will probably only feel comfortable with the predictable current relationship with the known quantity and so that's what they will choose, meaning, they will have to put the brakes on anything developing with the coworker in order to stay true to their partner. other people might not be so risk averse and may choose to take a chance on a new relationship even though it may not work out, but knowing that their current one has reached a dead end. in the end there is no universal right choice, but whichever is the right choice for YOU will depend on what your priorities in life are (and they are your priorities, not anyone else's).
People who have reached this decision-point but fall into affairs are those who in part cannot resolve their aversion to risk with their desire for something new so they try to have it both ways by staying in the current relationship while secretly pursuing an affair and hoping that the decision will become clearer with time, but often it does not and just creates a big mess.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): Work on your marriage first, and keep your distance from this coworker...you are asking for trouble. Be part of a solution, not part of the problem. Put more effort into your home life, do what you can to bring your husband and yourself closer together, talk to him about how distance you feel the two of you have become, go out on a date, do some things just the two of you....if the flame is truly out, you have come to the realization you no longer want to be married to this man, then get divorced....don't do something stupid and jump into the arms of another guy, just because he is paying you the attention you are craving at home....The grass may not be as green as you think it is on the other side, and then when your little affair is over and you break up your marriage over it, then what? Just because you are thinking about this guy often does not mean he feels the same way or is ready to start something serious with you....he is crossing the line anyway, but that may very well be just the way he wants it, a little fling, a conquest of a married women, and he's off hitting up someone else. It's very easy to cheat and forget the vows you took when you were married....be as driven in doing the right thing as you are in your career....they both take work and dedication to accomplish.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): Its a difficult one. The guy from work is trying, I think, to be more than a work colleague. He also sounds more your type,at least as far as motivation and ambition are concerned. He ticks those boxes your partner doesn't. Obviously you will be attracted.Just as he is to you.
However, you are in a relationship.Your spoken for. So if the weekend goes beyond professional into intimate, you will be cheating.You will be putting your current relationship at risk.You will have to lie to your partner and there will be a guilty secret eating away at you.
So its up to you if you want to risk everything for what could be ships that pass in the night.Or if you really want to continue your current relationship.
...............................
|
