A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey fellow cupids.I'm a little bit confused and have been for some time. I'm in a long term relationship and care for my partner, probably even love (sorry I'm not an emotional guy so it's hard to understand my feelings sometimes). For the last two months I haven't been interested in txting or phone calls from my partner. When we see each other I'm happy to see her. I've also developed a full blown crush on another girl, my first crush in 8 years.I also feel like my current partner doesn't offer me anything intellectually, is that a bad thing? I can't tell if I'm happy or complacent.I feel so many emotions of lately which is why I'm confused, this is not normal for me. I am not depressed or anything like that. Should I speak to a therapist? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you in advance
View related questions:
crush, depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2018): janniepeg - Completely agree and it is also something I have given some thought!
Im 29 and dont have any kids but Ive always wanted some since I was young but decided to set myself up before I did. My clock is ticking sadly :(
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 September 2018):
 I would be very scared if I have a long term boyfriend and he cares for me and probably loves me. I mean, have you said "I love you" to her and meant it? You may have started young and didn't know what sexual attraction feels like. You only know when you have encountered at least a few women to tell the difference. I've had intellectual crushes and emotional crushes.
One thing you haven't told us is if you are still having sex with your girlfriend, and has it ever been good. Usually if people are lacking something in the relationship and are scared to leave it, they seek it from some other source.
The crush brought out emotions of you and you are scared. Don't be discouraged. Continue to identify what emotions you are feeling. Who is to say what is normal, what isn't? You may think your growth is finished in your 20's In fact we continue to grow for a long time. I feel this is a transformation in you. Like animals, we shed skin and get new cells and go through cycles of changes. We might decide our current partner is not enough. It might be unnerving to feel all these things at once but wouldn't you want to see the world in more vibrant colours?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2018): Thanks for the advice.
WiseOwlE - Yes this is everything I've considered. I still don't know, hence why I'm confused.
HoneyPie - Yes we have been trying to do more activities lately. I'm hoping this gets us out of this slump if that is the problem
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2018): [EDIT]
Correction:
"If you're not sure what you feel; then explain what your long-term relationship with this woman is based upon?"
Post script:
The tone of my post is not meant to admonish you. It is intended to provoke thought and introspection. You're messing with another person's feelings; and this isn't just a teenage puppy-love. You're both adults, and she's assuming you're devoted; and sure of what you feel for her. Yes, you sometimes have to stop and think. However, the contradiction is all the feelings that suddenly appear; when another woman appears on the scene? Do you feel me?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2018): From what you say, it would seem your relationship has run its course; and now you want to see other women.
You're not that emotional? Then what kind of feelings or emotions is the other woman able to bring out of you that your girlfriend can't? I mean above the waist!
Just the sight of her moves you? Makes you emotional?
You don't throw me off with the intellectual bit. You really have to be doing more than crushing, for such a sudden unleashing of emotions and feelings. Like flirting! There has to be some form of exchange going on. You're too old for adolescent crushing. She tops the scale above the last eight years! Wow! Just the mere sight of her does all that?
You don't need to see a therapist; because you're attracted to another woman. You have to assess what your real feelings are for the person you're not so sure you love.
Why would you waste your girlfriend's time making her believe you are committed and in-love? If you;re not sure what you feel; then explain what your long-term relationship with this woman is based upon? Is it a romance, or just a friendship? What has kept it going long enough for it to be considered "long-term?"
What's keeping you there? She might be better-off investing her feelings in someone who can crush on her; and whose emotions and feelings she can surely stir. With the benefit of him knowing what he feels; and how to demonstrate it.
Now is the time to man-up and review your feelings; and how deep they go for the person you are with. Crushes are not purely intellectual, they are physical-attraction as well.
If you have grown tired of the relationship you're in; and she can't make you feel love, and know it. Then stop wasting her time and breakup.
You're not a teenager anymore. You're a man now, and mature enough to know what you feel; and what to do about your feelings.
If you're conflicted about your feelings for her, and out of touch with your emotions; then she should be the one writing the post. Not you!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 September 2018):
 Are you having a crush because you feel you aren't happy with who you are with?
While I DO think it can happen to people who are content in their lives and with their partner to develop a crush, the thing is... YOU have to decide to either ALLOW the "fantasy" of this crush to grow or NIP IT IN THE BUD.
Of course this NEW woman seems different from your GF, more interesting, funnier, prettier (which ever) but is that because you are actually looking for a way out with your GF? or just a little bored?
What do you OD with your GF? Anything that might STIMULATE more interesting conversations?
How long have you been dating?
Honestly? I've never been a fan of long phone-calls with my (now husband) or most other people. I prefer to spend time in person. I ONLY use texting for the purpose of information. Like, buy milk and bread on your way home... or can you pick up kid #2 or #3 at 5:30 from XYZ?..
I don't do conversations over text. So I get that it's not very stimulating at all.
Which means YOU need to talk to your GF (not tell her she isn't your match intellectually) but that you feel you want to spice up your conversations (and I don't mean adding dic pics or sexting). What I DO mean is EXPLORE hobbies, interest, try new things like doing something SHE enjoys and you don't much about and then introduce her to your hobbies or whatnot.
Share books. My husband loves fantasy genre/sci-fi and I love just about any genre. So I have introduced him to some of the books I enjoy and he has introduced me to some he likes. Same for movies and TV shows.
SHARED experiences and interests can make for GREAT conversations.
Last weekend we went and took my BIL's Jet Ski out.. I'm not a fan but I do love the water. Hubby loved it (though he is not much of a water fan) so it kind of worked out.
You two might also just have hit a slump in the relationship. Remember the GRASS is greener where you water it. And ignoring things doesn't FIX them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (22 September 2018):
 Ignore the crush. It's irrelevant. We all get crushes and it's common when you've been in a long term relationship.
That said, you need to be on the same page. If you're not on a similar intellectual level, life will be boring. Same goes for other traits.
This probably means your relationship has reached it's natural end, but it may be worth discussing it with her to see if it's something that can be improved or something that's just a fact.
...............................
|
